How to be Wondermus

I have recently taken a hard look at myself. I have been very depressed lately for a multitude of reasons and my outlook on life has been bleak, to say the least. I have decided to try and be more positive. Instead of looking at the glass as half empty try looking at it as half full. To do this I must get one last bout of negativity out. Like a negativity cleansing. I am about to rant... If I offend I am sorry, these are just general rants without a focus on one individual. I just need to get somethings out. Then I can focus on positivity.

First. I am fat. If you don't like it don't look at me. Most of the time you are not a supermodel yourself. I have a mirror, I know what I look like, and yes just because I am fat does not mean do not need to eat regular meals just like everyone else. Stop fucking staring at me.

Second. Are you perfect? Have you ever made a mistake? Unless your name is God or Jesus Christ I am guessing you have. Stop acting like when someone else makes a mistake it is soooooo horrible. I bet if you look back, you have some doosies. Don't throw mine in my face and I promise I will try not to throw yours back in your face. It hurts peoples feelings when that happens, but are you so self absorbed that you are unable to figure that out.

Third. Guilt is not something that should be used as a weapon. Making someone feel guilty for a decision they have made is wrong. Maybe that person feels guilty enough without having someone else try and make them feel worse about it. Trust me I can guilt trip people with the best of them. Shall I give it a go?

Fourth. Love is not something that can be turned on and off like a light switch. It can fade , it can change but most normal people can not just make it disappear in the blink of an eye. So just because you can do it does not mean most people can. It is hard and it hurts to loose anyone you love and mixed with guilt and mistakes can compound the hurt. You first have to fall in love to know how it feels, unless you are uncapable of the feeling. Good luck.

Ok I think I am done with my rant. Now on to being positive. I love the people in my life. They try so very hard to be there for me adn I do appreciate them more than they will ever know. Although my family drives me nuts, I would not trade any of them for the world. They have helped make me who I am. Thanks to all those people in my life. The new year is coming and maybe a brand new outlook. Love you all.

Happy Turkey Day

Hello to all those out there. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving. May you be blessed with good friends, good food, and a family that doesn't drive you out of your mind. If the last is not possible, I suggest picking up a bottle of wine for the dinner. One for you and one for the rest of the clan...lol.

In other news it has been a very interesting period of time since my last blog. No I have not yet found myself. I did find out certain people in my life can be vicious when they think I have been hurt, I mean out for blood. In a way it is great. It means I have people who care a great deal about me. In another way it is not so great because you loose the ability to stand up for yourself if it is done too often. My mindset has not been the best lately and I thank those who have put up with me. It will get better eventually. I will be back to my old self or something like my old self.

Have you ever done something that could ruin your life as you know it? I have. Once it is done there is no turning back you just have to play the hand out. I am still trying to figure out if I bluff or if I fold. I will have to let you know once I have made upo my mind.

Well enough of the seroius stuff. Have a great TurkeyDay! I know I will try. I mean the next day is shopping. One of my fav's.

Happy Friday

Happy Friday to all those out there. I am ready for the weekend. It has been a particularly stressful week for me. May those of you who are reading have a fun filled two days. I myself am going to unwind, or at least try..lol.

Paper or Plastic

I got out of bed the other morning as usual. Since I live alone I proceeded to get ready for my day. I got dressed, combed my hair, and got in my car to drive to work. It wasn't until I was half way to work I realized I forgot my breakfast and lunch. That meant I had to stop at the local supermarket prior to starting my work day. I don't know about you but I am not a morning person and should not be bothered for at least an hour after I wake up. It had not been an hour.
I walked through the isles looking for something appealing and went to the register to make my purchase. What is the first question of the day for me? Paper or plastic? No hello, how are you today. Paper or plastic? I wanted to ask if it was a rhetorical question as if it really matters, but I did not.
I know it may sound crazy but in the mere seconds it took to answer the question thoughts just raced through my head. I am as ecologically minded as the next person. I would like fresh air to breathe and uncluttered land to view , so this question brought some angst to my mind first thing in the morning. If I choose paper I am committing to cutting down the trees that produce vital oxygen. I am not a tree huger by any means , but I do like oxygen. Then again if I choose the plastic it will sit in our landfills for years, it will not breakdown longer than I may be alive.
I took a deep breath and had the lady bag my items. As I left the store the debate still going on in my head. Which is better paper or plastic? Which one would you choose?

...ps I chose plastic ( paper doesn't hold up well when frozen foods start to sweat)

Happy Hump Day

Well, it's Wednesday and we have made it half way through the week. What a week it has been! Happy hump day to all those out there. It boggles my mind to think next week is Thanksgiving. Where did the year go?
That brings me to the subject of time. I have begun to wonder if I am wasting time. Somedays it seems like I don't have enough of it. When I get a few minutes and take time to be lazy or read a book or watch tv, I feel like I am wasting my day. I should be doing something productive like clean my house, my car, doing something good for someone else. I am aware we all need a break and to take a moment to do something for ourselves, but when does it cross from a moment for yourself to wasting your time? One hour? Two?
Today I seem to be thinking more of time than normal. We use the word everyday and yet forget how powerful it is. What time will you be here? What time do you work or get off? Time is money. I can give you my time. Are you doing time? Are you wasting time?
As I get older I can some times hear my biological clock tic away. Am I running out of time? I am not married and have no children. I do want a family. I just want to find the right mate first. It is not my top priority right now but the thought that I may run out of time for those things. I hope not.
Well however you chooose to spend your time to day I hope you find it worth while. Hope you have a Happy Hump Day!

Fear, Guilt, and Remorse

Have you ever stopped to wonder what makes us feel guilty for doing things for ourselves? Is it the ever burdening voice of your mother during childhood telling you to "act nice", "share your things", "don't be selfish" or is it something deeper? I have recently had an encounter that I feel tremendously guilty about. I am lying to someone I love. Not the little white ones that aren't going to hurt, but whoppers that are going to do nothing but send them from my life for good. I know you asking, " What does the guilt about pushing someone away through lies have to do with doing something for yourself?" I will explain.
Love hurts. I love many people and when I can't live up to their expectations I feel guilty. Recently I have not lived up to anyone's expectations including my own. I know I have to live my life for myself, but the people who love me most have begun to question my actions. To keep all I have to push one away. It is for the best. This person is not respectable and does not respect me or my feelings. The problem is I can not just tell them good bye, I am too close to the situation. Hence the guilt factor.
Not only do I feel guilty, but I also have to live in fear. I am not so much worried about myself as I am the people closest too me. I have started to dig myself out of a black hole but with it come certain fears. Fear of rejection, fear of being old and alone, fear of death , fear of loss pick one I am experiencing it. I think the fear of the unknown and fear of someone else are very big right now as well. I could possibly be in danger. I just don't want anyone else getting caught in the crossfire. That would kill me.
Remorse. After the guilt starts to fade and fear subsides the inevitable remorse for your actions set in. I am not quite there yet, but I know I will be. I have been told I have nothing to feel guilty about and therefore remorse should not even be a factor.
Have you ever loves someone to the brink of sanity? That is where I am at. Telling them good bye and doing so in the fashion I am makes me wonder will I topple over the brink? With the help of some good friends and family I think I may just make it through.

Hi . My Name Is....

Hi. My name is.... well my name really does not matter. I am fairly new to the blog scene. I know most people write about their day, their lives, or the lives of those they know. I like the ones who write about their thoughts. I think I am an average American female. Single and still looking for Mr. Right. That is a few entires in itself. I live alone in a modest neghborhood. I have a wonderful family and a few amazing friends. I have varied intrestes from sitting at home and reading a good book to traveling abroad. Although, I do not get to travel near as much as I would like. I have started on a journey to discover myself, this blog is part of that. I hope you take the time to stop by, comment as you would like. All comments are welcome. Maybe we can get to know me together.