A 2 Year Journey
As I said in my previous post. I was off to Chicago to see Brian for the first time. I had it in my head it was just going to be a fling. One weekend. That wasn't too much to ask for. I would let my hair down and do something so out of my personal box. God I was nervous. I put on my poker face, the one I always like to use when I wanted everyone to think I had it all under control, and pushed the accelerator down. I made it to his apartment building in a little over 5 hours. The sun was starting to decline, only the way it does in the late afternoon. He was waiting in the parking lot for me. He took my bag and we made the walk back to his place chatting about my trip up.
The weekend was great for me. We stayed in most of the time : talking, laughing, some television, and yes there was sex as well. I will not get into all that. I will leave it with I was not left unsatisfied during the weekend. I also broadened my scope beyond the bedroom. It did rain most of the weekend putting a bit of a damper on my sightseeing of the city. I saw most of the landmarks from his old camero. I purchased everyone gifts from the local grocery store. Ooops, I guess they know now. Yes I even made the required phone calls to my parents and all of my friends. I left him on Sunday. Happy and Sad. I was happy it had all went so well. Sad that it was over and I would be going back to my good girl role. I really did like Brian despite the eleven year age difference. It never seemed to matter. I called him when I got home and was surprised at another marathon phone conversation. I had just left. Is this really how a fling goes? At that point I really did not care anymore. I just liked talking to the man. So I did.
Brian made the trip down to Louisville the next weekend. We stayed in a hotel close to my home. My parents were not ready to deal with having a man stay with me in their home. I was not ready for that either. I introduced him to my best friend Beth and in turn Beth and I introduced him to "The Redneck Bar". I tried to warn him before we went. I was sure he would feel funny being around some of the people there. Boy, was I wrong. He loved it!!! I did not know he like to sing karaoke as much as he did, and classic country music at that. It soon became one of our favorite places to hang out when he was in town. We switched off weekends until winter when he had to stay close to home for his job. I did most of the traveling then. I was blissfully happy and had fallen very much in love with Brian. The traveling was starting to get a bit old. I wanted us to at least be in the same city. I was very honest with Brian about what I wanted from life. The American Dream: husband, kids, job, stability and love. He in turn was honest with me. He always said he loved me but did not know if he would ever want the kind of life I did. I gave him time. In my mind it was all connected. If you love someone you want to be with them. Love turns to marriage and so on. I knew he had his own issues about relationships. I tried not to push. I guess I did not do a very good job. I saw the signs for months before it happened. I just did not want to see them. A fool in love will delude them self in believing everything is going to be ok. That's what I did until it was all taken away from me.
I had come up to Chicago for a long weekend. We were going to use the Cubs tickets I had given him for our 2 year anniversary. He seemed so distant and cold. Nothing I could say or do seemed to break through. I tried to pull a smile or see his eye warm , but nothing. It felt like I was standing on my tip toes reaching and reaching, but with each move the object just moves a little further away, out of your grasp. His sister was coming in that weekend as well. He left me alone in his apartment with the promise he would be gone shortly. He was meeting a Realtor about a condo. He was gone all day. I waited and waited, so worried that something might have happened to him. I knew it was getting close to the time he was to pick his sister up. The locked turned and he came through the door. Now I was angry. He had left me there, no word, no call, nothing all day and just strolls in without a care in the world. He tried to talk to me but I was so angry the tears had started and he shut down. He left me again to go get his sister. When Brain came back with her I tried to put on a happy face, my mask. I don't think I did a very good job. I had one last chance, I was going to do what I had to . That night I swallowed my pride and asked Brian to make love to me. I had never had to ask anyone that before and I was humiliated at his half hearted attempt. I faked it so it would stop and I could bury my head in the pillow, crying myself to sleep.
The next morning we got up. Dropped his sister off at the airport after a lunch at his favorite hot dog joint and went back to his apartment. He was even more distant than before. I packed my things and started to make my way to the car. I had a long ride home after a very long and emotionally wrenching weekend. He carried my bag as usual and stopped outside my door. Then the words I was dreading came to be. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I stood there. My mind had separated from my body and I did not want to believe it was happening. I heard the lines falling from his lips. It's not you it's me. You are one of the best people I have ever known. I am sorry. The nausea and pain increased with every word he spoke. I so did not want him to see me cry. Not now. I was wearing a necklace he had bought me and was trying to get it off while he spoke. The damn thing would not come off. I had to get it off. It felt like it was burning into my flesh the more he spoke. He helped get it off and I handed it to him to keep. I could not decipher the look on his face. Hurt? Regret? Confusion? He handed it back telling me he had bought it for me and it was mine. I threw it in my floorboard on the passenger side and said something. I don't remember the words I was so lost. All I know is that it was not nice or polite. How could I have screwed up so badly? What was wrong with me? How could a reasonable intelligent woman be unable to hold on to a relationship? He turned and walked away.
I stood there, unable to move, numb. I could not get my mind to wrap around what had just happened. I slipped into the drivers seat and went to put the keys into the ignition. My hands were shaking so bad it took three times before I could get the key into the proper place. The sound of the car starting ripped through the numbness and let in the pain. I felt like I was going to drown in it. The tears finally came. I don't know how long I sat there crying. I had lost all track of time. I knew I was going to have to drive home but I could not get the tears to stop. I had to get away from there. Maybe if I was home the unbearable pain would not be so bad, it would dim. I called Beth. I was crying so hard she could hardly understand what I was saying . She had never heard me in this state. I had never been in that state. I don't remember if I called Jill or not but somehow she found out and I remember she called Brian. That was even more embarrassing. I did not need my friends raking him over the coals. In my mind he obviously did not care, I was beyond reason. Beth talked me into stopping by her house when I got back to town. I must have broken every speed limit from Chicago to Louisville because I made it back in 4 hours. I cut 1 1/2 hours off my return trip. I stopped by Beth's house for a some comforting and a drink. I continued to cry. I went home and told my mom and dad what had happened. For a while my mom held me while I cried and then my dad took his turn. I went to bed and continued to cry. It felt like someone had taken part of me , I was not complete. What they left was just pain. Time went by. Brian had spoken to Jill and I was at the angry phase so I called him. I intended to give him a piece of my mind. What right did have talking to my friends? When I called the sound of his voice threatened to rip the hole in my heart back open. I listened. He did not want to loose me completely from his life. He hoped at some point that we could still be in contact just not romantically linked. I hung up the phone and thought about it. I decided that I would rather have him in my life as my friend, than to not have him in my life at all even thought I loved him still.
Over 5 years later. I am no longer the young woman Brian left. I am 32 years old and much wiser in the relationship department, thanks to Brian and a few others. Today, Brian and I are friends. I would say he is one of my best friends. We chat occasionally on the phone. He comes down for Derby every year and has also made a few other trips down. We usually find the time to hook up, for lunch or a trip to "The Redneck Bar" when he does make an appearance. I have even ventured up to Chicago once. Our friendship has survived our breakup as well as both of us moving on to other relationships. I still love Brian very much. I am no longer in love with Brian. HUGE difference. I also hope he knows if he happens to read this that no matter what we were always friends and always will be. If he ever needs anything I am just a call away.
The weekend was great for me. We stayed in most of the time : talking, laughing, some television, and yes there was sex as well. I will not get into all that. I will leave it with I was not left unsatisfied during the weekend. I also broadened my scope beyond the bedroom. It did rain most of the weekend putting a bit of a damper on my sightseeing of the city. I saw most of the landmarks from his old camero. I purchased everyone gifts from the local grocery store. Ooops, I guess they know now. Yes I even made the required phone calls to my parents and all of my friends. I left him on Sunday. Happy and Sad. I was happy it had all went so well. Sad that it was over and I would be going back to my good girl role. I really did like Brian despite the eleven year age difference. It never seemed to matter. I called him when I got home and was surprised at another marathon phone conversation. I had just left. Is this really how a fling goes? At that point I really did not care anymore. I just liked talking to the man. So I did.
Brian made the trip down to Louisville the next weekend. We stayed in a hotel close to my home. My parents were not ready to deal with having a man stay with me in their home. I was not ready for that either. I introduced him to my best friend Beth and in turn Beth and I introduced him to "The Redneck Bar". I tried to warn him before we went. I was sure he would feel funny being around some of the people there. Boy, was I wrong. He loved it!!! I did not know he like to sing karaoke as much as he did, and classic country music at that. It soon became one of our favorite places to hang out when he was in town. We switched off weekends until winter when he had to stay close to home for his job. I did most of the traveling then. I was blissfully happy and had fallen very much in love with Brian. The traveling was starting to get a bit old. I wanted us to at least be in the same city. I was very honest with Brian about what I wanted from life. The American Dream: husband, kids, job, stability and love. He in turn was honest with me. He always said he loved me but did not know if he would ever want the kind of life I did. I gave him time. In my mind it was all connected. If you love someone you want to be with them. Love turns to marriage and so on. I knew he had his own issues about relationships. I tried not to push. I guess I did not do a very good job. I saw the signs for months before it happened. I just did not want to see them. A fool in love will delude them self in believing everything is going to be ok. That's what I did until it was all taken away from me.
I had come up to Chicago for a long weekend. We were going to use the Cubs tickets I had given him for our 2 year anniversary. He seemed so distant and cold. Nothing I could say or do seemed to break through. I tried to pull a smile or see his eye warm , but nothing. It felt like I was standing on my tip toes reaching and reaching, but with each move the object just moves a little further away, out of your grasp. His sister was coming in that weekend as well. He left me alone in his apartment with the promise he would be gone shortly. He was meeting a Realtor about a condo. He was gone all day. I waited and waited, so worried that something might have happened to him. I knew it was getting close to the time he was to pick his sister up. The locked turned and he came through the door. Now I was angry. He had left me there, no word, no call, nothing all day and just strolls in without a care in the world. He tried to talk to me but I was so angry the tears had started and he shut down. He left me again to go get his sister. When Brain came back with her I tried to put on a happy face, my mask. I don't think I did a very good job. I had one last chance, I was going to do what I had to . That night I swallowed my pride and asked Brian to make love to me. I had never had to ask anyone that before and I was humiliated at his half hearted attempt. I faked it so it would stop and I could bury my head in the pillow, crying myself to sleep.
The next morning we got up. Dropped his sister off at the airport after a lunch at his favorite hot dog joint and went back to his apartment. He was even more distant than before. I packed my things and started to make my way to the car. I had a long ride home after a very long and emotionally wrenching weekend. He carried my bag as usual and stopped outside my door. Then the words I was dreading came to be. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I stood there. My mind had separated from my body and I did not want to believe it was happening. I heard the lines falling from his lips. It's not you it's me. You are one of the best people I have ever known. I am sorry. The nausea and pain increased with every word he spoke. I so did not want him to see me cry. Not now. I was wearing a necklace he had bought me and was trying to get it off while he spoke. The damn thing would not come off. I had to get it off. It felt like it was burning into my flesh the more he spoke. He helped get it off and I handed it to him to keep. I could not decipher the look on his face. Hurt? Regret? Confusion? He handed it back telling me he had bought it for me and it was mine. I threw it in my floorboard on the passenger side and said something. I don't remember the words I was so lost. All I know is that it was not nice or polite. How could I have screwed up so badly? What was wrong with me? How could a reasonable intelligent woman be unable to hold on to a relationship? He turned and walked away.
I stood there, unable to move, numb. I could not get my mind to wrap around what had just happened. I slipped into the drivers seat and went to put the keys into the ignition. My hands were shaking so bad it took three times before I could get the key into the proper place. The sound of the car starting ripped through the numbness and let in the pain. I felt like I was going to drown in it. The tears finally came. I don't know how long I sat there crying. I had lost all track of time. I knew I was going to have to drive home but I could not get the tears to stop. I had to get away from there. Maybe if I was home the unbearable pain would not be so bad, it would dim. I called Beth. I was crying so hard she could hardly understand what I was saying . She had never heard me in this state. I had never been in that state. I don't remember if I called Jill or not but somehow she found out and I remember she called Brian. That was even more embarrassing. I did not need my friends raking him over the coals. In my mind he obviously did not care, I was beyond reason. Beth talked me into stopping by her house when I got back to town. I must have broken every speed limit from Chicago to Louisville because I made it back in 4 hours. I cut 1 1/2 hours off my return trip. I stopped by Beth's house for a some comforting and a drink. I continued to cry. I went home and told my mom and dad what had happened. For a while my mom held me while I cried and then my dad took his turn. I went to bed and continued to cry. It felt like someone had taken part of me , I was not complete. What they left was just pain. Time went by. Brian had spoken to Jill and I was at the angry phase so I called him. I intended to give him a piece of my mind. What right did have talking to my friends? When I called the sound of his voice threatened to rip the hole in my heart back open. I listened. He did not want to loose me completely from his life. He hoped at some point that we could still be in contact just not romantically linked. I hung up the phone and thought about it. I decided that I would rather have him in my life as my friend, than to not have him in my life at all even thought I loved him still.
Over 5 years later. I am no longer the young woman Brian left. I am 32 years old and much wiser in the relationship department, thanks to Brian and a few others. Today, Brian and I are friends. I would say he is one of my best friends. We chat occasionally on the phone. He comes down for Derby every year and has also made a few other trips down. We usually find the time to hook up, for lunch or a trip to "The Redneck Bar" when he does make an appearance. I have even ventured up to Chicago once. Our friendship has survived our breakup as well as both of us moving on to other relationships. I still love Brian very much. I am no longer in love with Brian. HUGE difference. I also hope he knows if he happens to read this that no matter what we were always friends and always will be. If he ever needs anything I am just a call away.
posted by hard2stop @ 8:53 PM
2 Comments:
At 9:06 AM,
CindyCinlou said…
It's funny how one person can change you. How being with them makes you realize things and even though your not in love with them they leave a lasting place in your heart.
At 7:04 PM,
hard2stop said…
That is very true.
Post a Comment
<< Home