So Much Time

I can hardly believe it has been close to three years since I last blogged. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other times it feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened I have trouble catching my breath. Quick report: My four best friends are now down to 3. Tragedy and truth separated one from the pack. Of the remaining three, one is married with 2 children . I am so happy for her. The second I believe has found her heart, the one person who compliments her better than anyone. They are living together and seem very happy. The third friend, and has otherwise been deemed my best friend during past blogs, has had as much going on as I have. Divorced , two wonderful little boys, and is now engaged to be married again. Although , I have not heard a date yet. Her fiancee has been ill recently but is slowly getting better.

As for myself, I do not know where to start. I guess the beginning would be great. When I was blogging before I was in a relationship with a person who was very bad for me. Actually, he was just bad. Not only for me but for everyone he touched. It took me a long time to realize it. By the time that I did, he had pulled me down almost as far as he could. He lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me and my family, yet never showed an ounce of regret or sorrow for what he had done. He would always say the words, but looking into the depth of his eyes " sorrow" nor " guilt" was ever evident. He played me like he had many others before. I had warnings, I had proof , but for the longest time I did not accept it. When I finally did it left me broken hearted, untrusting and depressed. Oh forgot to mention bankrupt as well. I had to sell my home, move back in with my parents. I wish I could say I am rid of him. Lord knows I have made myself clear enough. Over the last year he does continue to try and contact me on occasion. I do not respond. You would think he would get a clue.

My father continues to be plagued by illness. I know is was foolish to ever wish he would just get better, but one always hopes. It is a good thing I moved back in with him and my mother so I can help her out with some of his care. He has lost an arm to cancer. Now has a non healing wound on his other hand. I pray everyday that they do not have to take it as well. I believe that would be the nail in his coffin. He is constantly being cut on due to his skin cancer. Poor healing from his other medications also have him getting frequent infections. He is on oxygen and has a hard time getting around. He still has his pride and every time he needs assistance with something new I can see the embarrassment and hurt in his face and eyes. He is way to young to be in his condition. He has the mentality of a person in his fifties but the body of someone in their seventies. My mom has a hard time dealing with all of it. She believes he should be able to do more than he can. I think she does not want to see how far he has deteriorated. It has to be hard to see your best friend waste away slowly and painfully. I tend to catch the anger she has since my brother is still not here.

My brother is getting out of prison after 8.5 years in Feb 2010. It has been a long time coming. We have missed him so much. I have forgiven him for the things he did to our family. Although, there have been times over the last several years I still get very angry. Not for what he did, but because he has not been here when we needed him. When I needed him. Being the only child around is difficult when they tell you your father is probably going to die through the night and you have to be the strong one for your mother, or when you have to be the one to hold your mother together after making the decision on a date to turn off life support. How about when we needed a man around to help with all the things that break or are falling down around the house. Not that I have not done it myself. Me and my friends remodeled our bathroom to make it handicap accessible, painted the whole house and remodeled our den. I hung dry wall!!!! Anyway, I will be glad to see him home.

As for me today. I a still with mom and dad, dealing with his health issues and mom's increasing inability to handle it. I am waiting to go get my brother next month. I have no children. I have no husband and no prospects. I have taken a break from dating. I tell everyone my "picker" is broken. Meaning I seem to always choose the wrong ones. I figured if I took a break maybe I would make better decisions when I am ready to climb back on the proverbial horse. Looking for a new job. I hate job hunting!!!! Well I guess I will go now. Hopefully it will not be 3 years until the next one.