Guilty and Scared

My guilt had mounted. I was growing apart from one of my best friends and the other 3 thought I had lost my mind. Looking at it now, I think I had lost my mind. I stayed with Marc. He continued not to work and I continued to support him and all of his bad habits. Yes he had many. He loved to shop. He would go out and buy 200$ shoes and I would be worrying how I was going to pay the house payment. He would strut around town in GQ fashion and I would not even buy myself a t shirt from Wal Mart. The biggest problem was not the excessive shopping but the drugs. I issued ultimatums stop the cocaine. He would stop using that but moved on to something else. When I would figure out what his drug of the week was I would issue another ultimatum. I knew in my gut he was an addict, but every time he said he needed me , he had no one else who cared, I gave him another chance. A chance to change.

I had always felt guilty for not doing more for my brother. I knew when he was out of control and I made pathetic half hearted attempts to get him straight. Then I just ignored it. Pushed it from my head like it was not even happening. I was the big sister. I was supposed to protect him and watch out for him, and I didn't. Marc was going to be different in my eyes. I was going to do everything I could, be everything I could and give all I could to try and alleviate my own guilt at Jason's downfall. did I also mention Marc had serious mental health issues. He was manic depressive, possible schizophrenic, definitely personality disorder. He told me about his childhood abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional. He had many scars inside and out. I am not sure how much of it was true, but something or someone really fucked this guy up.

Marc used my guilt to keep me with him. He knew just what to say to pull me back in. We were having a particularly bad week. He was restless. I was weaning him off his current drug. Withdrawl symptoms were there. He wanted to go out. He was over the worst of the withdrawal so I agreed . He was going to go to a friends house close to my parents. While he was there I would hang out with mom and dad. He threw a fit when I went to the drivers side of my SUV. I gave in, it was not worth the hassle and let him drive. He ranted all the way down Preston Hwy from Shepherdsville. Eleven miles of 2 lane road. We had just passed the turn to my old high school. I was ignoring his rant. Then he pulled out the gun. He was screaming and crying, waving the gun in the air, while pushing down on the accelerator. The truck jumped to 60 miles per hour and he jammed the gun in his mouth. He was almost inaudible over the barrel. I could hardly make out what he was saying. I have never been so scared in my life. There was no way I would be able to control the truck if he pulled the trigger. We would both die or He would die and i would be seriously injured.

Then my psych training kicked in. I very calmly talked to him. I gave him the reassurance he needed. I let him him talk without escalating. I brought him down and talked him into handing me the gun. My hands were shaking so bad I was afraid I would accidentally hit the trigger. I found the safety and made sure it was on. Marc pulled over to the side of the road and we switched seats. I drove him the rest of the way. That night I stayed at my parents house. I told Marc that my mom needed my help with my father. I told my parents I was afraid of him. I wanted to leave him but I was scared.

The next night my mom told him to come get his things from the car. She told him that her and my father had to hospitalize me. They told him I had a nervous breakdown and was in a locked unit and no one could see me right now. I had no phone and could make no phone calls. I was really hiding in the den bathroom. In the tub , with the shower curtain pulled. He got his things and stayed perfectly nice to my parents and left. He made call after call to my cell phone . Left lovey messages like he did when we first started dating. I stayed with my parents for over 2 weeks. Afraid to go home.

Today and Continue the Insanity

I started a new job today. I will be working with a home health company as a visiting nurse. I have done the job before with another agency several years ago. It is amazing how much comes back to you. It is like my brain did not delete the information just filed it away knowing I might have need of it again. It is the beginning of February. I have been looking forward to this month for the last eight and a half years. Jason gets to come home, or so I thought. After waiting so long we find out a mere 2 weeks before we leave to get him that Kentucky plans on picking him up and we have to wait. Needless to say I am very disappointed. Hope and pray that the does not have to do too much time here for his violation. We really could use him home.

I left off my story with us keeping Marc's daughter and my move into my home. I am going to give a brief overview until my next episode. Marc and I lived together in my home. He did not work and I did. He would drop me off in the morning and come get me when it was time to go home. He was getting restless. He said he wanted a job, but had to get his child support issues taken care of before he could work. I took and several thousand dollar cash advance out on one of my credit cards to cover the attorney fees. Well that is what it was supposed to go for. Wrong again. Somehow the money disappeared. He said it went for this or that, but never for the lawyer. I was sick. I had never been this far in debt and could not afford the monthly payment. I become very depressed, unable to sleep, not eating right, irritable, weepy and always sick. My parents noticed. My friends noticed.

I went as far as to ask Jill for a loan. She loaned everyone else money. I had done as much for her as most of them probably more than most. I had Beth come with me to witness. Swallowing my pride was not something I did easily. Jill did not make it any better. I sat in her kitchen and told her of my plight. Beth sat listening quietly. I have never been so mortified, having to ask my friend for money. Jill at first refused to help me. She did not like Marc at all and had no problems voicing it. I was hurt that she would help everyone but me, when I was the one who talked my family into taking her and the kids in after they had been injured and left homeless. I was the one who bought the kids coats and shoes when she came home after her divorce. I was the one who got up early every morning before work and came home every night to care for her when she couldn't do it for herself. I left the kitchen to use the restroom.

When I came back Jill had changed her tune. She said she had thought about it and she would lend me the money, but their were stipulations. The stipulation was I would break off my relationship with Marc and have nothing else to do with him. EVER. This just pissed me off. Now I was hurt and pissed. She would lend money to anybody, but she wanted to control who I spent my time with? Not even my parents went there. I pretty much told her thanks anyway but I don't need it that bad. For me at the time it was like anyone else saying FUCK YOU!!! I left Jill's home with Beth, still miserable and not knowing what I was going to do. Mine and Jill's relationship was never the same. We started growing apart even though neither one of us would admit it. It took some time and reflection for me to see what might have happened when I left the table for the restroom. Jill had refused me and I left her alone with my champion, my best friend who always stood by me, Beth. I still wonder what Beth said to her to make Jill change her tune in a matter of a couple minutes. What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall.

I continued to get more depressed, but not my worst. What was I going to do? Marc continued to spend my money like it grew on a tree in the front yard. I continued to try and save him. My dad came over one Saturday to fix my bed. It was just the two of us. We were talking and then he slipped in the question. " What's going on ?" " Something is wrong." I broke down in tears, the only way you can with someone you know that has always been there. I told him about the debt but not how I got it. He told me he would take care of it. He went home later that evening and talked to my mom. One week later the bill was paid off and my guilt mounted. You would have thought after this I would have learned. Nope. I was on a mission to save the unsavagable, I just did not know it was a suicide mission.