Continuing the Story

Hey. It has been a few days since my last post. I would love to say I am busy, but I can't. I have been getting conflicting information on my brother. I was told over the weekend that Kentucky was going to go get him from Florida. Bummer. Actually now we do not know. He signed extradition papers, but apparently they have any inmate with charges in another state sign them. He has not signed transportation papers for Kentucky to actually transport him back. As of right now we do not know if we need to get him or if Kentucky will show up to get him. I wish they would get their ducks in a row. The unorganized way they do things drive me crazy!!!!

I left off my story with Marc and my interesting evening at the Redneck Bar. As the weeks went by I did not hear back from him. He was no longer living in the same place so the number I had for him was a no go. At first I was pissed. He just disappeared. Then I started to move on, going back to the old ways. Dangerous dating. Four weeks later I get a phone call on my cell while I am at work. It is him. He had moved to Lexington to live with some friends. He had gotten laid off, so he said, and had to leave. He apologized and we talked for a few minutes. He called again later that night to chat. Over the work week we talked everyday and he really wanted to see me over the coming weekend. I drove to Lexington to pick him up. We went out and spent the weekend together. It was great. He was sweet and charming. He said everything I needed to hear. Things that the person in my last relationship never said to me. He treated me like I was a queen and he was the very lucky lottery winner. I felt like I had won the lottery. We continued in this fashion for about a month. He wanted to come back to Louisville but had no place to stay. I was still living with my parents, but the patio home I was having built would be done by the end of April. It was March. I helped him move back to Louisville and rented a place at an Intown Suite.
It was like we were playing house. I was having a blast.

While we stayed at the suite he contacted his ex and they arranged a time for him to get his daughter. She was 3 and so cute. I had met her once before. She was to stay just the one weekend with us and then go back to her mother. Jennifer dropped her off to us in a McDonald's parking lot on Friday night and we played happy family for the weekend. Sunday came and no call from Jennifer. She wasn't answering her phone or returning calls. Monday came and still nothing. Tuesday nothing. Wednesday nothing. Thursday nothing. Friday nothing. Saturday and Sunday nothing. I could not fathom any mother leaving her child for over a week and not trying to contact her or coming to get her. She left her with a change of clothes and two pairs of socks. We went shopping for clothes and toys to keep her entertained. I had no idea if she was coming back ever. The next Wednesday she called and arranged for us to drop the baby off to her at the same McDonald's. When we arrived the little girl clinged to Marc and Jennifer had to physically pull the crying child off of him. I watched the exchange feeling so sorry for the little girl. Then I looked at Jennifer. Her eyes were sunken in and bloodshot. Her pupils dilated and she was extremely jerky. I had seen this before. She was high. By the looks of it very high. Marc had warned me she was addicted to meth but when I first saw her, when we picked the girl up, she was not high. Now I understood how and why we did not get a call for a week and a half. I did not want to see that little girl ride away in an SUV with a mother that forgot she existed and one that was so stoned she could not control her body. I worried.

The night we dropped the little girl off, I got my first glimpse of the depression and darkness in Marc's head. His facade slipped. He became dejected and would hardly speak to me. His eyes were cold and remote, almost cruel . It was like he was another person. I chalked it off to his having to hand over his daughter knowing the situation he had to put her in. I would probably be angry too. Little did I know that my reasoning was not right. This was just a side of his personality he had hidden until I was hooked. He knew I would not walk away from him . He was right. I stayed. I should have run.

I did not forget

It has been a few days since my last post. I did not forget I just did not know how to proceed with the rest of the story. I have been spending some quality time with my best friend over the last couple weeks. We have been talking more than we have in quite some time. It is almost like when we were younger. The conversation just flows, naturally. Topics are still the same. Work, family, men. Occasionally we will throw in politics or whatever the big news of the day may be. It is really nice to have that back. I have missed it over the last few months. As I was saying, I am still not sure exactly how to continue my tale, so I am just going to wing it.

I left off with the morning after with Marc. I will start out with some information about our relationship in general. After that first day I had an on again, off again relationship for 3 years with the man. If you were around at the time and happened to be close to me, you know why it was on again and off again. If you were not, then after reading the next few blogs you will understand. Marc started off the relationship being everything I was looking for at the time. Dangerous, Mysterious, Sexy and Sweet. Yes for those with their mouths gaping. He was very sweet to me. It was not something he showed to the rest of the world. Also, it helped reel me in to his web. After some time the dark side, beyond the little bit of dangerous/mysteriousness, emerged. A really dark side. I don't know if even I understood all of it. He never raised his hand to me, but the emotional abuse was probably worse with someone like me. He did not call me names or make me feel bad about myself on a daily basis. The name calling was when he lost his temper. He used his best weapon against me. GUILT. I tend to be a very caring and empathetic person. He preyed on my good nature to feel guilt to get his way. He also used fear. Like I said he never raised his hands to me, but ...... you will understand after some of my next few posts. I am going to hit on a few of the most monumental of those times. I am going to start off with a more happy time. Well it was for me.

I thought I was getting what I wanted. Someone totally not like Brian. I picked him up one Saturday night, soon after we had met, and then picked Beth up. We had decided to party at The Redneck Bar. I was thrilled. When we arrived , Beth and I were greeted at the door as usual, our many friends giving us hugs and big smiles. Especially our favorite DJ. I had never seen J, the DJ, go from smiling and jovial to looking sick in a matter of seconds. I noticed, my nurse training kicking in, and wondered why he was upset. It did not take long to figure out because J's eyes were focused on Marc walking behind me with his hand on the small of my back. If looks could kill I think Marc would have been a dead man. I tried not to think about it because I did not want to know why the fact that I was with Marc would upset J so much. I pushed on through and made my way to the bar. I bought myself a soda, Marc and Beth a beer , and hunkered down in my usual spot at my usual table.

We had spent half the night talking, laughing, singing and mingling with our weekend friends. By we I do mean all of us. I was standing at the DJ booth chatting with J. Beth was talking to the bartender and Marc was in the back of the room mingling with some guys playing pool. J then got a very serious look on his face. Usually he did not get too serious. I was curious. He leaned over and so only I would be able to hear began to talk. " Jenny, you do not need to get messed up with that guy. He is bad news." J was warning me off Marc. Part of me wondered why, he had never warned me away from anyone before. Actually I had never seen or heard of him warning anyone like this before. I brushed it off , keeping things light. " J, I am not really involved with him. We are friends. Friends with benefits. I don't want to marry him, I just want to fuck him. " J's eye got very round and he gave a nervous chuckle. Not words you would have expected to hear out of my mouth. I think I shocked him. By that time Marc had made his way back to the front and J did not say anymore. I made my way back to the table and let the night continue to unfold.

It was bit later that night. Beth and I were at the table chatting and looking for songs to sing. when Marc come up excited and smiling hugely. " I just made 700 dollars." Both mine and Beth's eye got big as we watched him dance away. Then we turned and looked at each other. Beth said to me, " Jen , you do know that's 5-10 if you get caught." I could read the the look on her face because the one on mine mirrored it. He was selling drugs in the bar. I knew he had used the first night and thought it was just a once in a while , special occasion kind of thing. Now here I was with a guy who went against everything I believed in. My brain said run. My heart said find out more. Maybe you will finally understand your brother. I turned my brain off and listened with my heart. We were still looking for songs when Marc returned. He came over to me with the straightest face and said, " Hey, babe. Can I put my gun in your car? J says I can't have it while I am in here." The blood drained from my face but I pasted on one of my most charming fake smiles. " Um, sure." Was my response as I handed him the keys to unlock my truck.

Beth was horror struck. There is no other way to put it. She leaned over more frantic than before and said , " You just went to 10-20. Do not make me start reciting penile codes! What are you doing?!!!!" I had no response beyond, " Yeah, I know." I was numb. It was like I had turned off my brain completely. I could not think about it. It just would not compute. I had to find out. I had to know. Here was my chance to find out what was so appealing about this life, this lifestyle my brother lived and breathed. The one I could not save him from. I had to know. The rest of the night was uneventful. I dropped Marc and Beth off at their homes and went home alone. It was this night I opened myself up to the world I always wished would not have existed.

Party ! A Day Late

I spent some time today with "Beth". We went out to lunch and to use my Christmas present. Tickets to the Titanic exhibit. Our Museum of Science is hosting the exhibit temporarily. I had seen the exhibit twice in Chicago when I was dating Brain. Beth went with me once to that one. Since Louisville is a smaller city I knew the exhibition would be smaller. It was nice, not anywhere near as grand as the one in Chicago. I was somewhat disappointed with the gift shop . There was a whole gift shop that sold Titanic merchandise in Chicago. Our gift shop had 3 shelves maybe 3 feet long per shelf. Not much space, not much to put on the shelves. I did pick up a couple things very reasonably priced. We spent a lot of time today chatting about my past. That brings me up to the day in the past that changed everything. New Year's Day 2005.

I had spent New Year's Eve with my friends at Beth's apartment. We played games and watched the ball drop in Times Square. A good time was had by all. The next night Beth and I decided to hit our spot. The Redneck Bar. Deep down I was hoping to see HIM. It had been a couple of weeks. I was the driver again by choice. As we entered I heard the chorus of our names. Then I was passed from person to person for hugs and wishes of a good New Year. I was drowning in the scent of cologne. Everyone wearing something different. I was not paying a lot of attention while being turned, hugged and passed to the next set of arms. I stopped dead in my tracks when I almost landed straight into His arms. I had made it through my waiting crowd and he was on the fringe. All I could do was stare. His face split into a mischievous grin when he spoke to me. "Hey, How's it going?" I almost swallowed my tongue. If it had not been glued to the roof of my mouth I might have done it. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and knew I was blushing bright red. A barely audible "good" is all I could manage before I was pulled back to reality by another friend vying for my attention. I stumbled away to my usual table.

Tonight was different. Very different. Yes we had been in the bar together before but he had never spoken to me. Also he had always been accompanied by a woman, I assumed was his wife or girlfriend. Tonight she was no where to be seen. Interesting, very very interesting. Most of the night I spent mingling, singing and trying not to stare too much. Beth was up singing a song when I looked to my side and there he sat. Same smile on those lips. I took a deep breath and kept my cool. Just my luck. He was asking me about Beth. He wanted to know if she was married or had a significant other. It was really no big surprise. Most guys preferred Beth to me anyway. She was lively and vivacious, full of life and fun. I was more quiet and reserved, self conscious. I did take some pleasure in letting him know she was married and he had no chance. Hee hee hee my little devil rejoiced. He did not seem to upset with the news just switched gears and asked about my availability. I informed him I was not seeing anyone at the moment. He just smiled and got up to sing his song. Beth had finished and he had been called up by the DJ. At the time I was kind of bummed. Ok I was really bummed. Another guy who preferred one of my friends over me. It happened a lot with Jill, sometimes Beth, occasionally Lynn. I decided that was ok. I could still look.

A little later in the night I was sitting toward the end of the table by myself while Beth was chatting with the DJ. He came strolling back over. Sat down next to me with his Coronoa in hand and looked in the direction I had just been staring. He finally introduced himself. I will call him Marc, since it was one of his favorite alias. I introduced myself and he started asking the basic questions. How long have you been coming here? What do you do for a living? Do you live around here? How old are you? Any kids? We were both chatting away when a woman walked by. She was not a regular there. She was dressed more for prostitution than clubbing. Her short black miniskirt barely covered her ass and the abdomen revealing halter top left no doubt she was not wearing a bra. Fishnet stockings and 3 inch stilettos finished the outfit. I would not have taken such notice of her except one of the very drunk patrons at the bar propositioned her. Twenty bucks for a blow job in his car. It was the look on her over made up face that made me remember. She was offended. She was so offended she reached back and smacked the guy across the face letting him and anyone in the vicinity know she was not a whore. She was not easy and would not be having sex with anyone tonight , thank you very much.

I crossed my fingers hoping a fight would not break out. It didn't. Both Marc and I had seen the exchange and I could not contain the laughter. He was soon laughing with me. Then we got into a discussion not knowing where it was going to lead me . I wondered out loud., " Why do women who dress like that get so offended when they get propositioned in a place like this? Yes she has a right to dress however she wants, but if you wear an outfit screaming sex why would you act like a virgin schoolgirl when someone says something. You are in a bar." Marc agreed with me and expounded upon it with, " Yeah, so many people can be prudish about sex these days." I was getting bolder by the minute because I really did not think he was interested in me. He was fast becoming another one of my bar friends. I was comfortable and became myself, out of my shell and responded with, " I know exactly what you mean. Everyone has sex. Most people enjoy it. Why would you act like you don't. I know I do. I like sex. Hell, I like it all ,oral as well. I have no problem saying I like to give head." By this point he was laughing so hard he was crying but shaking his head in agreement. He responded with' Yeah I like sex too, and I like to eat pussy." I do not know if I was just overly tired or had really turned off my radar because I just kept going. " See, see what I mean. Everyone likes it." was my response. Marc then got a very thoughtful look on his face and I wondered what a drunk guy could be thinking so hard about at almost 3 in the morning. So I asked. He started to say something then stopped. "What? What were you going to say?" I had to know. He gave a half smile and said he couldn't , he really did not want to offend me now. Now I had to know. I pressed the issue. He looked me dead in the eye. His face as serious as a judge and spoke the words, " Would you let me eat you?" MY heart stopped.

I was so not expecting that. For a minute I could not say anything at all. I know my eyes had to have gotten huge and my mouth had fallen open in shock ,because he got a regretful look on his face and started to apologize for offending me. I came into my head and quickly reassured him that I was not offended , not at all. He didn't look like he believed me so I answered his question. " Yes, yes I would let you." His eyes smoldered with the one word from his lips, "Tonight?" It was what I wanted. I went for it. " Yes , tonight." We agreed that I would go back to his place with him after I dropped Beth at home that night. He asked me to dance and we swayed close together on the dance floor. I was not paying attention to anyone but him, the sound of his voice as he sang in my ear, his scent that was filling my head and scrambling my senses. He kissed me on the dance floor and I knew it was right. The Earth moved.

I told Beth what I was going to do after I dropped her off. The way I had been acting lately I don't think I surprised her, although she did look concerned. The night wore on and we closed the bar down. I dropped Beth at her apartment and made the trip back to Marc's place. On the way he told me about his ex girl friend, the one I had seen him with. Then he asked if I had ever been in love. Odd question to bring up right before sleeping with someone, but I was honest. I told him about Brain. He proceeded to tell me about Jennifer. We had the same name. She was not his most recent ex ,but his ex fiancee. I understood where he was. He understood where I was. Great. We pulled into the drive of the house he was spending the night at. No one was home. He led me into the kitchen and played host, offering me something to drink or eat. I declined. I was looking around and not paying a lot of attention to what he was doing. When I returned my attention to him he was leaning over a small glass mirror on the counter cutting something up with a razor. On further inspection I knew what he was cutting. Cocaine. I had never seen anyone cut a line of cocaine before. Only in the movies ,never in person. I had seen the drug from patients personal belongings in the hospital, but it was always in a baggie. I was staring. He looked up , smiled and offered me a line. I declined, telling him I was randomly drug tested at work and could loose my nursing license if I tested positive. He was satisfied with the response and did not push. He did his line with a rolled up dollar bill, just like in the movies. My brain was just not processing what I was seeing. I was anti-drug, I had a brother in prison due to drugs and despised them. It still was not computing in my brain. He took my hand and led me back to the bedroom.

I think he could tell something was not right. I am sure he assumed it was nerves. It was really me trying to figure out if I was going to stay or go after what I had seen in the kitchen. Then I decided. I am not marrying the guy , I am just sleeping with him. I wanted a bad boy, someone a little dangerous, someone as far away from straight laced Brian as I could get. Well here he was staring me in the face, wanting me as much as I wanted him. Marc put in a movie and we were laying on the bed snuggled together watching the beginning. He leaned down and kissed me again and that was all it took. Things were starting to get pretty heated when my cell phone went off. The first thought in my head was Beth. It had to be her calling me at four in the morning. I had just dropped her off a little while ago. He stayed snuggled next to me, kissing my neck when I reached for the phone. I did not even look at the caller ID. I just answered with a breathless, "Hello." It wasn't Beth. The blood that had been running hot in my veins turned to ice. It was Brian. Beth and I had called him earlier in the night to chat and he was returning the call thinking we may still be together. Marc stopped kissing me the second he heard the other man's name and a look of surprise crossed his face. I told Brain that I had already dropped Beth off and we were no longer together. Usually we would have chatted for a few but I was in a bit of a hurry to get off the phone. Brian figured out I was kind of busy and I think he was as anxious to end the call as I was. How awkward is that, making out with a man when you ex calls to chat. Oops.

Marc was very gracious after I got off the phone. He asked if I was ok and if I wanted to leave. Why would I want to leave? Brain was in Chicago and we were ancient history and I had Mr Sexy right here. Hell no I did not want to leave. I told him as much. We continued where we had left off. I am not going to get into the actual action, but lets say he made good on his request from earlier in the night, plus some. More than once. He held me next to him through the rest of the night, occasionally waking me with a kiss or a touch for a repeat performance. Later that day we made plans to meet that night. I left him at the door with a kiss. Flying high.

Today I wonder about the encounter. I have no doubt if Beth had been single he would have been over there trying to get her to turn his way. I am not sure she would have but he would have tried harder than he did. Now, something tells me, he was never really interested in Beth beyond a good time. I was his Mark. Every con artist scopes the lay of the land before making a move. I honestly think he knew Beth was married before he ever asked me. I also now believe he knew I was single and had taken the break up with Brian very hard. Anyone who knew us in the bar could have told him about us. My guess is he had already asked around. I thought I had him in my sights, but I was really in his. We were just not playing the same game.

First Sight

Something had to give. Boy, when I said that I was hoping for a little bend , I did not know I was getting ready to snap it in half. It was December 2004. "Beth" and I decided to go out to our favorite weekend hang out. The Redneck Bar. I was usually the designated driver on our outings, by choice. I also loved watching Beth let her hair down and be herself. We always had a great time. Our favorite DJ was working that night. Beth and I were regulars and we knew most of the employees there by name. Heck the DJ had been known to give us a call on nights it was slow and try and talk us into coming up to liven up his night. Whenever we walked in the place a chorus of our names was heard and we were both greeting with smiles and hugs from half the people in the place. It was comfortable. It was fun. I had been becoming more and more unhappy with how I was behaving with the opposite sex. I had kept from "dating" anyone from my favorite hang out at this time. Beth had made her way to the bar and I had noticed that there were people sitting in our usual spot. I switched tables and started people watching. My eyes fell on my usual spot and I started watching the group that had planted themselves there. That was the first time I had saw him.

I could not drag my eyes away. He wasn't beautiful, he wasn't classically handsome, but there was something about him I could not turn away from. He looked wild, dangerous, and totally yummy. He was dressed impeccably in slacks, a long sleeved button down shirt and shiny black dress shoes. He stood about 5 ft 10 and had the tan of someone who is out in the sun a lot. His short coal black hair was gelled into a disarray. It was like he had taken his hands and run them through his hair leaving it sticking about every which way, like a rock star. He was laughing and having the time of his life it seemed. My interest was more than piqued. Beth caught me staring. She kept nudging me to get me to quit. The guy was there with another woman. His girlfriend by all appearances. I did not want to get into a confrontation with some female marking her territory. I tried to keep my eyes up front, where the DJ was busy calling people up for karaoke. He called a name and up walked Mr. Dangerous himself. He had put himself in the spotlight so I could look all I wanted while he stood up to sing his song. I wasn't expecting much. Most people who get up to sing karaoke are not very good. He was going to try and sing one of my favorite songs. " Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi.

I braced myself for the slaughter of another innocent song. The music began and his deep gravely voice sent shivers down my arms. I sat there , slack jawed, in awe. He could sing. He could sing well. The more difficult the song became the more he got into it. I was mesmerized, hooked. I think even Beth was a bit shocked. After he had finished, everyone gave him a loud round of applause. Some of the patrons were even going over to talk to him , to request he sing another. I knew what I wanted to hear. I just could not get out of my seat to ask him to sing it. I spoke very quietly to Beth. She had already had a few drinks and was not as reserved as myself. I was sober. She did it for me. She went over and asked him if he would sing the song I wanted to hear. I could not believe it when he agreed. His girlfriend did not look very happy . Beth came back to our table with the news that he had agreed to sing it and I was on cloud nine. I could not wait. Eventually the DJ called his name and he took the floor and the microphone again. The familiar music that started the song sent my pulse into the same beat.

I know , I know. What was the song I so wanted to hear? With his voice it had to be "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. For those of you who are going, What song is that?, you would not be alone. Many people do not know that is the title of the song they have heard over and over. They tend to know it by the refrain, " I wanna fuck you like and animal. I wanna feel you from the inside." I could go on but by this point I am sure you know the song. It was a telling kind of song considering that is exactly what I so wanted to do. No one had ever brought on such a quick , mind numbing lust with just a look or the sound of his voice. It was like I had been put under his spell. All I know is I wanted him and I wanted him bad.

I made do that night with listening him sing the words I wanted to hear, the words I wanted to say. I did not make a move. I didn't "date" guys from my bar and I did not "date " men who were already spoken for. I learned that one the hard way. I also did not want to mess up my party spot with possible awkward meetings after the fact. I could not get him out of my head though. I dropped Beth off that night and went home alone. I saw him once more at the Redneck Bar, with the same woman. I continued to cast sly glances his direction and stare openly when he got up to sing. I did not speak to him. I just watched. Little did I know with the coming New Year all that would change.

Umm I lost count

I decided to start blogging again to sort through some things in my past. I wanted to try and look back. Trying to see where I went wrong, what went right and what should never have happened at all. I started back when I felt as if I had been stuck in a rut and the person I presented to the world was really not the me inside. I wanted to be bold and daring not a doormat. I left off with the end of my relationship with "Brian".

I had settled into the grief of my dead dreams and was pretty much wallowing. Nothing my friends or family said made it any better. Jill recommended going right out and finding another man to spend the night with. Someone to distract me and make me forget. I was not like her. Men were not interchangeable to me. My other friend Lynn was seeing this guy and they were staying at Jill's house while she was gone. Lynn invited me over since I lived just down the road. Her boyfriend had invited his cousin as well. For a while it was the four of us hanging out and watching television. That was until Lynn and her man went to the bedroom. I really did not want to think what was happening back there and tried to focus on conversing with the guy's cousin. We will call him "Ted". Ted and I were in the living room for quite some time. We ended up on the couch together kissing. He was not the best kisser I had ever encountered but it would do for my damaged heart. I had felt unlovable and unwanted and here was someone who wanted me. Maybe I wasn't so unwantable after all. When Lynn and her man resurfaced, Ted and I took their place. It did not last long. Looking back I would have to say it was one of the worst sexual experiences I have ever had. He had no clue. It may have been the worst, but it was also a catalyst. It made me open my eyes. Just because one did not want me did not mean that no one did. I set my brain to try and think like Jill. Men could be interchangeable. Why should I continue to let them use me and hurt me. It was my turn. I could play the game. At least that is what I kept telling myself.

I saw Ted once after that night and I was not going to go there. Actually if I am not mistaken he seemed quite interested in Lynn. That was odd since she was still seeing his cousin. It did not stop me. I was on a mission. I had never been good at picking men up, or even where to look for available specimens. The only thing I could think of was the internet. I had always thought meeting men online was dangerous and a little crazy. Why not???? It was quite shocking at the sheer number of men looking for a woman online. I had to start somewhere. I started with a man from Lexington. That was good. He did not live near me so if I did not want anything else to do with him then I would not have to worry about bumping into him at the local store. We went out on a date to a chain Italian restaurant and I brought him back to my home. My parents had left town for the night so I had the place to myself. I chickened out. We were on the couch kissing and making out but I could not go the whole way. I told him my family was due back soon and he left with promises to call. I felt like such a coward. This is not the new me, I continued to repeat. I am bold, I am fearless, men are interchangeable. I set back to work.

Over the next few months I had some very interesting dates. A few I left at the meeting place without a glance back because I would not have sex with them if my life had depended on it. Some of the others made it to necking, some progressed to oral sex and there were a few that I did have sex with. I even gave a middle aged married man a go. Afterward the guilt of what I had done was crippling. I could not be responsible for coming between a husband and wife. I was not that kind of girl. Yes he was seeking me out, but I had too much respect for the sanctity of marriage. I called him and told him I could not see him anymore. He tried to talk me out of it, but I just couldn't. The there was the guy that to this day remains a mystery.

I was home from work and my parents had left town again. I was alone. I got online looking for someone to brighten my day. It was a fantasy. Sex with a stranger. No names, no faces, just sex. I was intrigued. He was a firefighter and had posted a picture but his face was blurry. I also had a picture on my site. He was tall and muscular, tanned and well proportioned. I was very interested. It was set. He would come to my home. I left the door unlocked and had given directions to my bedroom. I was face down on the bed in nothing but a red satin robe. I knew when he arrived. I could hear the car. The sound of the front door opening sent my heart beating so fast I thought it would come out of my chest. As the footsteps down the hall became clearer , I was taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. He was next to me. I felt his touch through the satin and about jumped off the bed. Calm, Calm, calm I continued to chant in my head. I felt the bed give with his weight and he was above me. He WAS tall and very muscular as he rested his body against mine. OH, my god. I could not believe I was really doing this. I wanted to see his face. I rolled over under his weight. As I did he dropped further down the bed. I could not see his face because he had buried it between my thighs. I lost all train of thought after that. After my climax I thought he was preparing himself for his release. I heard the car start. He was gone. He had come to my home and pleased me but did not stay for his own climax? Very strange. He called me back several times over the next few months. Our schedules never meshed for us to meet again. I can not believe I did that. He could have been a killer for all I knew. It was stupid, but it was an excellent orgasm.

I continued on in this fashion for a while. All the time my personal morals were screaming at me. You are not this kind of woman. This is not really you. Stop being stupid. Stop acting like Jill and be yourself. It was like the movies with the little angel and the little devil sitting on each shoulder. I was listening more to the little devil than I ever had. I found I was no longer in love with Brian, but felt no better about myself in the process. Actually, I felt worse about myself. It did not make sense. I went from feeling unwantable and unloved, to continue feeling that as well as heartless, trashy, stupid and a fake. What could I do to make it stop. The idea of being all alone again sent me into a panic. Something had to give.

A 2 Year Journey

As I said in my previous post. I was off to Chicago to see Brian for the first time. I had it in my head it was just going to be a fling. One weekend. That wasn't too much to ask for. I would let my hair down and do something so out of my personal box. God I was nervous. I put on my poker face, the one I always like to use when I wanted everyone to think I had it all under control, and pushed the accelerator down. I made it to his apartment building in a little over 5 hours. The sun was starting to decline, only the way it does in the late afternoon. He was waiting in the parking lot for me. He took my bag and we made the walk back to his place chatting about my trip up.

The weekend was great for me. We stayed in most of the time : talking, laughing, some television, and yes there was sex as well. I will not get into all that. I will leave it with I was not left unsatisfied during the weekend. I also broadened my scope beyond the bedroom. It did rain most of the weekend putting a bit of a damper on my sightseeing of the city. I saw most of the landmarks from his old camero. I purchased everyone gifts from the local grocery store. Ooops, I guess they know now. Yes I even made the required phone calls to my parents and all of my friends. I left him on Sunday. Happy and Sad. I was happy it had all went so well. Sad that it was over and I would be going back to my good girl role. I really did like Brian despite the eleven year age difference. It never seemed to matter. I called him when I got home and was surprised at another marathon phone conversation. I had just left. Is this really how a fling goes? At that point I really did not care anymore. I just liked talking to the man. So I did.

Brian made the trip down to Louisville the next weekend. We stayed in a hotel close to my home. My parents were not ready to deal with having a man stay with me in their home. I was not ready for that either. I introduced him to my best friend Beth and in turn Beth and I introduced him to "The Redneck Bar". I tried to warn him before we went. I was sure he would feel funny being around some of the people there. Boy, was I wrong. He loved it!!! I did not know he like to sing karaoke as much as he did, and classic country music at that. It soon became one of our favorite places to hang out when he was in town. We switched off weekends until winter when he had to stay close to home for his job. I did most of the traveling then. I was blissfully happy and had fallen very much in love with Brian. The traveling was starting to get a bit old. I wanted us to at least be in the same city. I was very honest with Brian about what I wanted from life. The American Dream: husband, kids, job, stability and love. He in turn was honest with me. He always said he loved me but did not know if he would ever want the kind of life I did. I gave him time. In my mind it was all connected. If you love someone you want to be with them. Love turns to marriage and so on. I knew he had his own issues about relationships. I tried not to push. I guess I did not do a very good job. I saw the signs for months before it happened. I just did not want to see them. A fool in love will delude them self in believing everything is going to be ok. That's what I did until it was all taken away from me.

I had come up to Chicago for a long weekend. We were going to use the Cubs tickets I had given him for our 2 year anniversary. He seemed so distant and cold. Nothing I could say or do seemed to break through. I tried to pull a smile or see his eye warm , but nothing. It felt like I was standing on my tip toes reaching and reaching, but with each move the object just moves a little further away, out of your grasp. His sister was coming in that weekend as well. He left me alone in his apartment with the promise he would be gone shortly. He was meeting a Realtor about a condo. He was gone all day. I waited and waited, so worried that something might have happened to him. I knew it was getting close to the time he was to pick his sister up. The locked turned and he came through the door. Now I was angry. He had left me there, no word, no call, nothing all day and just strolls in without a care in the world. He tried to talk to me but I was so angry the tears had started and he shut down. He left me again to go get his sister. When Brain came back with her I tried to put on a happy face, my mask. I don't think I did a very good job. I had one last chance, I was going to do what I had to . That night I swallowed my pride and asked Brian to make love to me. I had never had to ask anyone that before and I was humiliated at his half hearted attempt. I faked it so it would stop and I could bury my head in the pillow, crying myself to sleep.

The next morning we got up. Dropped his sister off at the airport after a lunch at his favorite hot dog joint and went back to his apartment. He was even more distant than before. I packed my things and started to make my way to the car. I had a long ride home after a very long and emotionally wrenching weekend. He carried my bag as usual and stopped outside my door. Then the words I was dreading came to be. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I stood there. My mind had separated from my body and I did not want to believe it was happening. I heard the lines falling from his lips. It's not you it's me. You are one of the best people I have ever known. I am sorry. The nausea and pain increased with every word he spoke. I so did not want him to see me cry. Not now. I was wearing a necklace he had bought me and was trying to get it off while he spoke. The damn thing would not come off. I had to get it off. It felt like it was burning into my flesh the more he spoke. He helped get it off and I handed it to him to keep. I could not decipher the look on his face. Hurt? Regret? Confusion? He handed it back telling me he had bought it for me and it was mine. I threw it in my floorboard on the passenger side and said something. I don't remember the words I was so lost. All I know is that it was not nice or polite. How could I have screwed up so badly? What was wrong with me? How could a reasonable intelligent woman be unable to hold on to a relationship? He turned and walked away.

I stood there, unable to move, numb. I could not get my mind to wrap around what had just happened. I slipped into the drivers seat and went to put the keys into the ignition. My hands were shaking so bad it took three times before I could get the key into the proper place. The sound of the car starting ripped through the numbness and let in the pain. I felt like I was going to drown in it. The tears finally came. I don't know how long I sat there crying. I had lost all track of time. I knew I was going to have to drive home but I could not get the tears to stop. I had to get away from there. Maybe if I was home the unbearable pain would not be so bad, it would dim. I called Beth. I was crying so hard she could hardly understand what I was saying . She had never heard me in this state. I had never been in that state. I don't remember if I called Jill or not but somehow she found out and I remember she called Brian. That was even more embarrassing. I did not need my friends raking him over the coals. In my mind he obviously did not care, I was beyond reason. Beth talked me into stopping by her house when I got back to town. I must have broken every speed limit from Chicago to Louisville because I made it back in 4 hours. I cut 1 1/2 hours off my return trip. I stopped by Beth's house for a some comforting and a drink. I continued to cry. I went home and told my mom and dad what had happened. For a while my mom held me while I cried and then my dad took his turn. I went to bed and continued to cry. It felt like someone had taken part of me , I was not complete. What they left was just pain. Time went by. Brian had spoken to Jill and I was at the angry phase so I called him. I intended to give him a piece of my mind. What right did have talking to my friends? When I called the sound of his voice threatened to rip the hole in my heart back open. I listened. He did not want to loose me completely from his life. He hoped at some point that we could still be in contact just not romantically linked. I hung up the phone and thought about it. I decided that I would rather have him in my life as my friend, than to not have him in my life at all even thought I loved him still.

Over 5 years later. I am no longer the young woman Brian left. I am 32 years old and much wiser in the relationship department, thanks to Brian and a few others. Today, Brian and I are friends. I would say he is one of my best friends. We chat occasionally on the phone. He comes down for Derby every year and has also made a few other trips down. We usually find the time to hook up, for lunch or a trip to "The Redneck Bar" when he does make an appearance. I have even ventured up to Chicago once. Our friendship has survived our breakup as well as both of us moving on to other relationships. I still love Brian very much. I am no longer in love with Brian. HUGE difference. I also hope he knows if he happens to read this that no matter what we were always friends and always will be. If he ever needs anything I am just a call away.

Continued....

OK Where did I leave off. Oh yeah. I had decided to go to Chicago with much prodding from Jill. I had set the time with Brian and now I had to tell everyone what I was doing. I just did not live in a world where I could disappear for a whole weekend and no one would notice. First I had to call Jill back and let her know that I was really going to go through with it. She was floored. She never thought I would actually do it. I don't think I have heard her laugh like that since I told her. When I hung up the phone with Jill I decided to tackle the biggest problem. My parents.

It was a typical Monday night. They were both seated on the sofa in our living room watching TV. They had no idea the bomb I was about to drop on them. I went to the living room, sat in the chair and waited for a commercial to come on. While waiting for the commercial I could feel myself chickening out. There is no way I could look my dad in the eye and tell him. I had always been a daddy's girl and this was likely to send him into a stroke. I quickly left the room and sat in our den trying to figure out a way to let them know. Dad finally went to bed that night. Mom was always a night owl and still sat on the sofa watching a different program. I sat back down in the chair and got her attention. I started off with some trivial conversation. Nothing major. I just wanted to get her talking. Then I told her I was going to go out of town for the weekend and just wanted to let her know. The evasiveness must have turned on her "mom radar" because she started asking a lot of questions. Where was I going? Who was I going with? When was I leaving? When would I get back? I was still trying to be evasive and answered her questions as shortly as possible. I am going to Chicago. No one is coming with me. I am going to leave Friday after work and return Sunday night. I just opened a can of worms. I never went out of town alone. She knew I would not go to a city the size of Chicago alone either. I finally broke down and told her I was going to see a "friend" I had met. Her eyes got huge. She got the " Oh No you are not" look on her face. Before she could say anything I gently reminded her I was well above legal age and I would be very careful. I would call when I left here and when I arrived. I would also call each day I was gone and prior to my return home. She so did not like the idea. I quickly left and went to my bedroom. I was feeling somewhat better knowing that I had told my mom and she had not yet pad locked my bedroom door. I drifted off to sleep that night contemplating my next move. How was I going to tell my best friend as well as my other 2 exceptionally close friends. We were all like a pack. I could not just tell one. Jill already knew so I knew my time was limited before the other 3 found out. I wanted to be the one to tell them. But what to say????

The next day while I was out visiting patients I decided to call my friend Lynn at work. I have changed the names of the innocent........lol. Lynn was closer to Jill than the other 2 and I figured I had better get a hold of her first. Just being straightforward and honest was the best way to go. She is a very straightforward kind of person anyway. I just told her What I was doing for the upcoming weekend. She seemed to take it a lot better than I thought she would. She had her concerns and she did voice them, but it was OK. I got off the phone feeling much better about my decision. I then decided to call friend number 2 while on lunch. We will call her Sally. The conversation with Sally was so much different than the one I just had with Lynn. Sally freaked out. She told me I had lost my mind and what was I thinking? After she had gotten done lecturing me loudly. I tried to put her mind at ease. I don't think I did a very good job. Eventually I had to get off the phone to see a patient and promised I would call her later. At this point the optimism I was feeling has gone. In my head Sally said everything I had originally been thinking, well so did Lynn but she just put it in a different way. I so did not want to make that third phone call. I was dreading it almost as much as I dreading telling my dad, which I still had not done. The last call was to the person who has known me my entire life. She knew all my secrets. Heck, most of the time she could finish my sentences. I was sure this was a sentence she was most definitely not going to be able to finish. I decided to put it off.....but I knew I could put it off indefinitely.

It's Wednesday. I have not told my dad. I have not told my best friend. I did have a nice long chat with Brian on the phone the night before. Another marathon phone call. I think it was 4 hours this time. I am back to feeling good about my trip. That is until I make the call to my best friend. We usually talked every day and I had skipped yesterday. I knew there was no way I was getting out of it today. I made the call. "Beth" answered the phone in her usual cheerful voice. I decided to go for cheerful too. I started off asking all the usual questions. How was her day going? How was her husband and little boy? How was work? We chatted for bit. The she asked the question I was dreading. " So what are you doing this weekend?" By the sound of her voice I could not tell if she had already been tipped off by one of the other 3. It was just a little different than normal. I went for it. She knew I had met a man Derby night. Of course I had told her all about it. When I told her she got very very quiet. I was wondering if maybe I had lost connection with my cell. I had not lost her. She was just gathering her thoughts. Like I said Beth has known me all of my life. If she was going to try and talk me out of something she knew the best way to go about it. Logically. I had always been logical. She systematically voiced the reasons she thought I should not go. They ranged from , "You have never driven to Chicago alone and do not know where you are going", to "You do not know this man. He could be a serial killer waiting to cut you up into little pieces and hide you in his closet. " I tried my best to ease her worries. I knew everything she said was out of concern for my well being, but I was determined. Once she realized that I was going to go I had to make my promises. Yes I would call when I got there. Yes I would call both days while I was gone. I promise I will not let him cut me up into little pieces. Little did I know he would do just that 2 years later.

I got home Wednesday night and my mother cornered me. She wanted to know when I intended on telling my dad. I got a great idea. I was not going to tell him. I had told her so if he wondered where I was then she could tell him. She liked that idea even less than me actually going. I got phone calls that night from Sally, Jill, Beth and Lynn. I was so relieved when I picked up the phone and it was Brian. I could finally rest. Thursday came and I spoke with Beth again. Since we spoke almost everyday anyway, it was not much different than normal. She was still gently trying to keep me here. I have great friends that truly care about me. I thought Friday would never get here. Worked seemed to take forever and I even got off early. I called Beth and my mom, letting them know I was on my way to Chicago, and began my 5 1/2 hour drive.

Right and Wrong

The holiday season is now behind us. Or at least it is for me. School starts back. All of the four day weekends are ending. Today I helped my mother and her best friend take down our Christmas decorations. We went light on decorating this year and it still took forever to get everything done. Dad sat on the couch and watched a football game. The Colts and Bills, I think. All I know is it was snowing something fierce on the screen. I am glad I did not have tickets to that game. After we had finished hiding away the holidays, we all went out to dinner. I felt bad that my mom's friend took care of the bill. She said she had a gift card and that her significant other does not like the joint. I left the tip. It was only fair. Right? Came home and tried to read a little bit. My dog, Habit, wasn't too fond of that idea. She likes to jump in my lap and lay across my chest, breast level, while I am trying to read. It kind of blocks the view. That and I am usually dodging her tongue as well. She is a sneaky little devil.

I love to watch her sometimes. She cracks me up. You never know what she is going to do next. Habit has calmed down a lot since I got her, but she can still find things to get into. She also loves playing with my parents dog, Tie. Actually she is one of the few that can coax a laugh out of me these days. Man that is wrong.

I have started thinking about a lot of life's little issues recently. When we are children our parents try and teach us right from wrong. It was always concrete. It was either right or it was wrong. They never mentioned the grey areas. The areas where what is right for one person may be wrong for someone else, the times when what we do is wrong but for the right reasons and vice versa. Why do they leave that part out? It's the most difficult to deal with. Maybe to make us stronger and more independent thinkers? I have realized even at my age I tend to fall upon the wisdom of my parents. They have been around longer and experienced more of what life has to offer. I am not saying I always take their advice, but another perspective can be enlightening. At times it can be humbling as well.

I was what you would call a very odd teen. At school and around large groups of people I was very introverted. Around my closest friends and family I broke out of my shell. I did not take risks and I did not see grey areas. Everything was black and white or right and wrong. I was very inflexible about it as well. Over the last 10 years I have noticed a huge change in my personality. My friends and family have been an influence in the change. I can not blame them for all of it though. Some of the change was just me. It was me coming into myself. I started taking some risks. It was so hard letting go. I guess I started with my best friends wedding. Yes, I know it was a movie. I am actually speaking about a real wedding, really more like the after the reception ,party. Most have heard about it or were there. I won't divulge too much into it, but I ended up propositioning one of the members of the wedding party. He had no problem with saying yes. I will let you figure the rest out on your own. I had never done anything so reckless or crazy before. Although ,I thought I could be the kind of person that one night would be enough, it wasn't the case. We ended up together again several months later, and the guilt set in. Eventually we decided that we would be better off as friends. I have seen him several times since and we are both very nice to one another.

MY biggest leap came one Derby night several years ago. One of my girlfriends and I decided to go out dancing. Why I wanted to go dancing I do not know. Fate, maybe, because I was not a club kind of girl. We stopped at my friends favorite haunt for dancing. For some reason it was like Senior Citizen's night. Most of the patrons were older than my parents. Since she did not have a good selection of men to choose from we decided to go to a different club, Downtown. We never go to this particular club. It was only the second time I had ever been there. It is one of those clubs where there are multiple types of bars under one building. Needless to say since it was Derby, it was packed. For anonymity sake we will call my friend Jill. Well Jill had plenty of men to choose from now. We were traveling from bar to bar. I was looking to find a dance floor playing music I liked and Jill was looking for a man to snuggle up with. Boy did she ever find a man!!! I will call him by his name since it is a nickname anyway. BONES. Bones was in his mid to late forties, while I was 24 and Jill was 26. If you ever watched the movie Night at The Roxbury. That is Bones. His shirt was buttoned up halfway, gold chain around his neck, drink in his hand and enough cologne to cover 3 men. He came right up to us. Introduced himself and proceeded to offer to buy us a drink.

" Hey, your buuueeeeaatuiful. Can I buy you a Shoooooot?" Were his exact words to Jill. I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Jill was wide eyed and speechless. She told him she already had a drink , but he was ushering us over to his table to meet his friends. There was only one there at the time. Bones got Jill cornered at the table in a seat and introduced us to his friend. We will call him Brian, although that is not his real name. Bones then turned his back to me and Brain, and began to make a play for Jill. I thought it was funny and he seemed harmless, so I decided to talk to Brian. I learned he was from Chicago and only here for the Derby. He comes every year. They were having their usual after Derby festivities. I told him a little about myself, but was not thinking much about it. I honestly thought the man was homosexual and saw no sense in flirting. I just did not have the right equipment. It was about midway through our conversation I looked over and Jill was giving me THE LOOK. You know the look that says get me out of here or I am going to kill you. I made my excuses to Brian, told Bones and Jill I really liked the song playing and wanted to dance. I grabbed Jill's hand and drug her out to the dance floor. We danced for a while then made our way into another bar that plays country and western music. I did not give another thought to the crazy man named Bones and his friend Brian.

Later that night Jill had not only found one man, but she had two.They were both trying to get her to choose them over the other. I could hear them bantering , flirting, and coaxing her to sway her opinion. It got to be quite boring for me. I started to tune them out and began people watching. I always liked to people watch in bars because you can see everything from people fighting, flirting, making out, to having sex. It never seemed to amaze me what some people would do in public. Little did I know I would become one of those people. Anyway, I was looking around and low and behold I see the guy from earlier, Brian. No Bones. I went over and we started talking again. We talked for quite some time. Jill had chosen her squeeze for the night and they went to the dance floor. Brian asked if I would like to dance and I agreed. Heck gay men can be great friends, in the back of my head. "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This", by Toby Keith was playing while we danced. I looked up into his eyes and felt the butterflies in my stomach. My first thought was ,Holy shit. I can not like this guy like that. He is gay and I have already traveled down the road of the gay boyfriend. No matter what I told myself during that dance those butterflies would not go away. The song ended and so did the dance. Brian offered to buy me a drink. I usually do not drink when I am designated driver, but Jill and him talked me into having one. I was sensible and kept it to the just one. Brian and I continued to chat about Chicago, Louisville, Derby, our jobs and interests. Jill came over and said in a very loud voice that we should exchange phone numbers. I pulled her away when she went to the bar to get a napkin to write them on and told her that I really thought the man was gay. She told me I was out of my mind and to give him my number. Jill wrote my number on the napkin and gave it to him. She also copied his number down and gave it to me. I was mortified. At this point it was getting late and Jill proclaimed she was starving. She asked the man she had chosen if he wanted to go to breakfast with us, of course he said yes. She then turned to Brian and asked him if he would like to come as well. Now I really wanted to kill her. Then I thought, Bones would come too. This could be really fun. Brian agreed and Bones had found a woman that fell for his lines. Bleached blond, big breasts and little brain. We all went to Denny's for breakfast.

Denny's was packed, as usual. We waited for quite some time for our table. All of us chatting. I think I was the only sober one there. When we finally got seated, our orders placed, and our food searved Bones had us all in stitches. We had all almost finished eating when Bones said he was going to go out to their car and he took the blond with him. Everyone at the table decided to hang out inside for a while to give them some privacy. When they left we all figured they were not going out there to chat. They never came back in. We all were beginning to get very tired, and Brain and Bones had to drive back to Chicago that day, so we left. Jill said a long goodbye to her friend with promises of calling later that day to make arrangements to see one another again. Brian walked me to my car door. He leaned down and kissed me. At first I was in shock. Then I was into it. It was not one of those meek, timid first kisses. You know the ones where it is a little awkward because you don't have the right angle or pressure. This was perfect and according to Jill, HOT. I have to admit , I agree. It seemed to go on forever but not long enough. There was no embarrassed pause after. He extended an offer for me to come to Chicago sometime and I told him to give me a call and maybe he would have to make a trip to Louisville before next Derby. We got into our separate cars and he pulled out of the parking lot. I sat there for the longest time just staring out the windshield. Jill squealed and bounced in her seat, "Oh my GOD. Oh my GOD! I don't think I have ever seen you kissed like that before." I shook my head a little and replied with a huge grin and bright red blush, " I don't think I have ever been kissed like that before." I dropped Jill off and drove home in a hormone induced fog.

I thought about that kiss and the words he had spoken all the next day. I was seriously contemplating going to Chicago for a weekend to see a guy I had just met in a bar. Actually I was telling myself the reasons I should not do it , and why it would be a huge mistake and extremely stupid. I had talked myself out of even calling him. I was sure I was just some girl he met out of town and was looking for a fling to occupy his time until he went home. I had even talked myself into thinking he was married with 4 kids and I was such a horrible person for letting him kiss me. Then I talked to Jill. When Jill and I were together I was her conscience and she was the little devil on my shoulder telling me to go for it. This was no exception. When I told her what I thought she found reasons why I should do it to counter the reasons I thought I shouldn't. It boiled down to I really had always been the good girl. I couldn't even have a one night stand. As Jill said it was time to do something for myself. Something fun, a little wild, a little reckless. A fling is what she called it. One weekend with a man who's kiss curled my toes. I wasn't a virgin by any means, although most of my previous sexual encounters left me far from satisfied. This was my chance to change it. It took her over an hour to talk me into it. I hung up the phone with her and dialed the ten digits that would change my life.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I rehearsed in my head what I was going to say when he picked up the phone. God I felt like and idiot. The phone rang and rang. Then the click of an answering machine turning on. I heard his message and my heart dropped to my stomach. My mind was racing. Should I leave a message or not? I took the chance, left the message and disconnected the phone. I really did not think he would return the call. I called Jill back and told her about the message I had left. We were chatting about what I should say when my call waiting beeped in. I figured it was someone for my mom. I got off the phone with Jill and answered the second caller. It was him. Brian. He had been out to the library but called when he got in. Words can not describe what was going through my head. I casually asked how the trip home had been. How things were going in Chicago. We chatted for a bit before I gathered the courage. " So, I was thinking about maybe taking a trip to Chicago this coming weekend. Do you have plans?" I think I finally shocked him. He did not have plans and made the very polite offer to let me stay at his place instead of having to pay for a hotel room. I took him up on the offer. We chatted for the longest time that night. We were on the phone for over 3 hours. When we finally got off the phone. The butterflies came back. OH holy hell. How was I going to tell my parents I was going to Chicago to stay the weekend with some guy I met 2 days ago? How was I going to tell the rest of my friends? They were going to flip!

So Much Time

I can hardly believe it has been close to three years since I last blogged. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other times it feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened I have trouble catching my breath. Quick report: My four best friends are now down to 3. Tragedy and truth separated one from the pack. Of the remaining three, one is married with 2 children . I am so happy for her. The second I believe has found her heart, the one person who compliments her better than anyone. They are living together and seem very happy. The third friend, and has otherwise been deemed my best friend during past blogs, has had as much going on as I have. Divorced , two wonderful little boys, and is now engaged to be married again. Although , I have not heard a date yet. Her fiancee has been ill recently but is slowly getting better.

As for myself, I do not know where to start. I guess the beginning would be great. When I was blogging before I was in a relationship with a person who was very bad for me. Actually, he was just bad. Not only for me but for everyone he touched. It took me a long time to realize it. By the time that I did, he had pulled me down almost as far as he could. He lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me and my family, yet never showed an ounce of regret or sorrow for what he had done. He would always say the words, but looking into the depth of his eyes " sorrow" nor " guilt" was ever evident. He played me like he had many others before. I had warnings, I had proof , but for the longest time I did not accept it. When I finally did it left me broken hearted, untrusting and depressed. Oh forgot to mention bankrupt as well. I had to sell my home, move back in with my parents. I wish I could say I am rid of him. Lord knows I have made myself clear enough. Over the last year he does continue to try and contact me on occasion. I do not respond. You would think he would get a clue.

My father continues to be plagued by illness. I know is was foolish to ever wish he would just get better, but one always hopes. It is a good thing I moved back in with him and my mother so I can help her out with some of his care. He has lost an arm to cancer. Now has a non healing wound on his other hand. I pray everyday that they do not have to take it as well. I believe that would be the nail in his coffin. He is constantly being cut on due to his skin cancer. Poor healing from his other medications also have him getting frequent infections. He is on oxygen and has a hard time getting around. He still has his pride and every time he needs assistance with something new I can see the embarrassment and hurt in his face and eyes. He is way to young to be in his condition. He has the mentality of a person in his fifties but the body of someone in their seventies. My mom has a hard time dealing with all of it. She believes he should be able to do more than he can. I think she does not want to see how far he has deteriorated. It has to be hard to see your best friend waste away slowly and painfully. I tend to catch the anger she has since my brother is still not here.

My brother is getting out of prison after 8.5 years in Feb 2010. It has been a long time coming. We have missed him so much. I have forgiven him for the things he did to our family. Although, there have been times over the last several years I still get very angry. Not for what he did, but because he has not been here when we needed him. When I needed him. Being the only child around is difficult when they tell you your father is probably going to die through the night and you have to be the strong one for your mother, or when you have to be the one to hold your mother together after making the decision on a date to turn off life support. How about when we needed a man around to help with all the things that break or are falling down around the house. Not that I have not done it myself. Me and my friends remodeled our bathroom to make it handicap accessible, painted the whole house and remodeled our den. I hung dry wall!!!! Anyway, I will be glad to see him home.

As for me today. I a still with mom and dad, dealing with his health issues and mom's increasing inability to handle it. I am waiting to go get my brother next month. I have no children. I have no husband and no prospects. I have taken a break from dating. I tell everyone my "picker" is broken. Meaning I seem to always choose the wrong ones. I figured if I took a break maybe I would make better decisions when I am ready to climb back on the proverbial horse. Looking for a new job. I hate job hunting!!!! Well I guess I will go now. Hopefully it will not be 3 years until the next one.