Umm I lost count

I decided to start blogging again to sort through some things in my past. I wanted to try and look back. Trying to see where I went wrong, what went right and what should never have happened at all. I started back when I felt as if I had been stuck in a rut and the person I presented to the world was really not the me inside. I wanted to be bold and daring not a doormat. I left off with the end of my relationship with "Brian".

I had settled into the grief of my dead dreams and was pretty much wallowing. Nothing my friends or family said made it any better. Jill recommended going right out and finding another man to spend the night with. Someone to distract me and make me forget. I was not like her. Men were not interchangeable to me. My other friend Lynn was seeing this guy and they were staying at Jill's house while she was gone. Lynn invited me over since I lived just down the road. Her boyfriend had invited his cousin as well. For a while it was the four of us hanging out and watching television. That was until Lynn and her man went to the bedroom. I really did not want to think what was happening back there and tried to focus on conversing with the guy's cousin. We will call him "Ted". Ted and I were in the living room for quite some time. We ended up on the couch together kissing. He was not the best kisser I had ever encountered but it would do for my damaged heart. I had felt unlovable and unwanted and here was someone who wanted me. Maybe I wasn't so unwantable after all. When Lynn and her man resurfaced, Ted and I took their place. It did not last long. Looking back I would have to say it was one of the worst sexual experiences I have ever had. He had no clue. It may have been the worst, but it was also a catalyst. It made me open my eyes. Just because one did not want me did not mean that no one did. I set my brain to try and think like Jill. Men could be interchangeable. Why should I continue to let them use me and hurt me. It was my turn. I could play the game. At least that is what I kept telling myself.

I saw Ted once after that night and I was not going to go there. Actually if I am not mistaken he seemed quite interested in Lynn. That was odd since she was still seeing his cousin. It did not stop me. I was on a mission. I had never been good at picking men up, or even where to look for available specimens. The only thing I could think of was the internet. I had always thought meeting men online was dangerous and a little crazy. Why not???? It was quite shocking at the sheer number of men looking for a woman online. I had to start somewhere. I started with a man from Lexington. That was good. He did not live near me so if I did not want anything else to do with him then I would not have to worry about bumping into him at the local store. We went out on a date to a chain Italian restaurant and I brought him back to my home. My parents had left town for the night so I had the place to myself. I chickened out. We were on the couch kissing and making out but I could not go the whole way. I told him my family was due back soon and he left with promises to call. I felt like such a coward. This is not the new me, I continued to repeat. I am bold, I am fearless, men are interchangeable. I set back to work.

Over the next few months I had some very interesting dates. A few I left at the meeting place without a glance back because I would not have sex with them if my life had depended on it. Some of the others made it to necking, some progressed to oral sex and there were a few that I did have sex with. I even gave a middle aged married man a go. Afterward the guilt of what I had done was crippling. I could not be responsible for coming between a husband and wife. I was not that kind of girl. Yes he was seeking me out, but I had too much respect for the sanctity of marriage. I called him and told him I could not see him anymore. He tried to talk me out of it, but I just couldn't. The there was the guy that to this day remains a mystery.

I was home from work and my parents had left town again. I was alone. I got online looking for someone to brighten my day. It was a fantasy. Sex with a stranger. No names, no faces, just sex. I was intrigued. He was a firefighter and had posted a picture but his face was blurry. I also had a picture on my site. He was tall and muscular, tanned and well proportioned. I was very interested. It was set. He would come to my home. I left the door unlocked and had given directions to my bedroom. I was face down on the bed in nothing but a red satin robe. I knew when he arrived. I could hear the car. The sound of the front door opening sent my heart beating so fast I thought it would come out of my chest. As the footsteps down the hall became clearer , I was taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. He was next to me. I felt his touch through the satin and about jumped off the bed. Calm, Calm, calm I continued to chant in my head. I felt the bed give with his weight and he was above me. He WAS tall and very muscular as he rested his body against mine. OH, my god. I could not believe I was really doing this. I wanted to see his face. I rolled over under his weight. As I did he dropped further down the bed. I could not see his face because he had buried it between my thighs. I lost all train of thought after that. After my climax I thought he was preparing himself for his release. I heard the car start. He was gone. He had come to my home and pleased me but did not stay for his own climax? Very strange. He called me back several times over the next few months. Our schedules never meshed for us to meet again. I can not believe I did that. He could have been a killer for all I knew. It was stupid, but it was an excellent orgasm.

I continued on in this fashion for a while. All the time my personal morals were screaming at me. You are not this kind of woman. This is not really you. Stop being stupid. Stop acting like Jill and be yourself. It was like the movies with the little angel and the little devil sitting on each shoulder. I was listening more to the little devil than I ever had. I found I was no longer in love with Brian, but felt no better about myself in the process. Actually, I felt worse about myself. It did not make sense. I went from feeling unwantable and unloved, to continue feeling that as well as heartless, trashy, stupid and a fake. What could I do to make it stop. The idea of being all alone again sent me into a panic. Something had to give.