The Fat Lady is Tuning Up

Well another Christmas has come and gone. I do hope everyone got all that was on their wish list. It was on3e for the books. I spent the Friday night prior to Christmas Eve working during the day. I did have the opportunity to work some overtime and get a bit of extra money, but after talking with my mother half way through my work day i realized i had to help pry her off the ceiling. See we were expecting about 50-70 people on Christmas eve and she was not ready. I picked up my friend Brandy and we went to my parents home to help my mom prepare. I spent 2 hours breaking bread. I do not mean eating dinner either. I mean literally breaking biscuit up in teeny tiny pieces for stuffing and then cornbread.

Christmas Eve my mothers side of the family comes over to my parents home. I think the house shrunk. Normally we do not have much of a problem with the size of my parents home, but when you place 60 people in it you have no room to breathe. It was utter chaos. I helped clean up from that event and started to assist with preparations for the next day.

Christmas Day I was gotten out of bed by my small dog and my parents rather large dog sitting on me. We unwrapped gifts and then i went back to sleep for a while. Just to let you know, if you like dinner rolls with Christmas dinner make sure you have them prior to Christmas day. I finally found somewhere that was open and had them after looking for 2 hours. My fathers side of the family come over to my parents home and we had Christmas with them. It was nice. There are not near as many of them. Although they did leave very early this year. It seems everyone has so many other places to go. My other family then arrived. My firend Leigh was there all day with her boyfriend, and then Sonia and her husband Michael, Brandy and her parents and sister, and Becky. I know I had mentioned that we decided not to buy gifts to make them. It was interesting. Leigh made me a beautiful orniment with charms that remind her of me inside them. Sonia gave me a framed picture from her honeymoon at the Grand Canyon, Becky made us a CD wiht a bunch of songs that remind us of each other, and my Brandy friend made us water globes from baby food jars and pillos that small good from stockings. They were so cute. I really did like each and every one of my gifts that were given to me this year.

My mother has decided next year that her and my father are going to go to Florida to visit my brother for Christmas. They have extended the invitation to me as well. I am unsure if I will be able to go due to work situations. I miss my brother so very much, but I also don't know if that is where I want to spend my Christmas morning and afternoon. Well not worry now, I have a whole year to figure it out.

I do hope everyone had a blessed holiday. The fat lady is warming up. 2005 is almost over. New years is this coming weekend, and we have yet to make definite plans. I am sure we will ring in 2006 together. Have a good week.

Lies Lies Lies and More Lies

Ok I know I said I was going to try and be more positive but I just have to get this out. Anger . I am tired of bottling up all my anger. Today just took the cake. I am done with it all. I am done done done done done done done done done DONE!!!! For those of you not up on my current situation, I have been seeing a man for some time that my friends do not like and my family does not like. It seems the only one that really likes him is me. Right now I don't even like him. I do love him but I do not like him at all right now. He has issues. Major issues. Issues I can not even begin to fix. Then there are the lies.

I am not a stupid person. Yes I know he has lied to me. Yes I have forgiven him. Now he lied to me for the last time. He lied to me during a time when he knew I was hurting finacially about something that was just going to make my situation even worse than it already is. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I can not tolerate this life anymore. It has to stop. He has to go. Right now I am MAD MAD MAD. Tomorrow I will still be MAD , but eventually I am going to be hurt. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of his making me feel guilty, I am of the fear, I am just tired. I am no longer going to give my self to those who don't appreciate it. I am no longer going to be a doormat for those who think they can walk on me. I am no longer going to give anything to anyone that I have not given to and have given back. I am not anyones fool and will not be treated as such. God help those who think otherwise. A new day is coming and a brand new year. Positivity mixed with spunk. I hope you can handle it.

The Season of Giving

I want to wish all those who read and comment on my blog a very Merry Christmas. I know there is well over a week until the BIG event, but I thought I would get an early start in case I do not get the opportunity to later in the week. They have started calling Christmas, The Season of Giving. What happens when you are all given out?
Through the year we are expected to gift everything from weddings, births, birthdays, anniversaries,assorted holidays ex: Valentines Day, Mothers Day, Fathers Day. Even the greeting card industry is makning them up now. Come on, when I was growing up I never heard of Sweetest Day. If you walk into a Hall mark in September or October you can bet you will hear of it now. Now at the end of the year the is major giving shabang, Christmas.
I myself have had a difficult year finacially. It doesn't seem to be looking any better in the very near future, although I do have a plan and it will work itself out soon enough. When I was first thinking of the Christams season I was not looking forward to it. I could not finacnically afford to give the way I always do. Then my friends and I made that pact to make gifts instead of buy them and I started to wonder if the season of giving isn't really about giving literally. I have made my friends gifts, or at least the biggest part of them. They do not look store bought and they do not look fantastic but I know I made them. I put thought and caring into each one. I am giving them part of myself. Maybe the season of giving isn't about what can be bought but what you can share of yourself with those that you love. I do hope they appreciate the effort as I will appreciate theirs.
As a teenager I looked back at the things I had made my mother for Christmas and was embarassed that she would sit some of them out on display. They were so very ugly. How could she want that sitting out? As an adult I now know. It was made by me. I put everything I had into that present for her at the time. It was given with love. It may very well be ugly ,but because she loves me and I made it for her, it earned a special place in our home. So for all those reading I hope you take a moment to stop shopping and wrapping and cherish The Season of Giving by giving something of yourself to someone you love. God Bless.

Isn't it Ironic

I am still on my way to try and be more positive. I had my negativity cleansing rant on my last blog and what do you know I got sick over the weekend. Isn't that ironic. I am trying to make myself better and then get sick. Oh, well. Christmas is coming and I am really trying hard to get into the spirit. I have noticed the older I get the more difficult it becomes to get excited about the holidays. I always loved the holidays. I am a gift giver. I usually go overboard for every gift giving occasion. I have a very good friend that once told me it was a bit intimidating how out of the way I go. This year is a bit different. I have other financial obligations that are taking priority over buying Christmas gifts as I normally do.

My best friends and I have made a pact not to buy each other anything. We have to make each others gifts and can not spend more than 10 dollars on all the supplies for all 4 gifts. It is difficult let me tell you. I am a crafty person when I want to be but coming up with 4 gifts for 10 dollars is proving to be extremely interesting and very inventive at times. I can not wait to see what everyone comes up with. It should be a hoot. I guess the inability to give what I normally give for the holidays has me somewhat down. I know my friends are not the type of people who would like me better because i buy them something great, but I feel like I am letting them down if i don't. Another reason for the Christmas hum drum is there are people in my life missing this holiday season that I wish I had next to my side, now more than ever.

I lost both of my fathers parents almost 2 years ago. Last Christmas was hard, but I think everyone was still kind of in shock and trying so hard to not let it ruin the holiday. This year is harder. So much has happened since they have been gone. Things I still want to share and can't. I know they are watching down on me but it just isn't the same as getting a big hug or that special wink. I am also missing my younger brother this year more than normal. He has been gone for a few Christmases now, at least he will eventually be able to come home. I can not describe the bond between us. It is almost like when we are together we are stronger than when we are apart. I could use a little strength boost.

My dad. My dad has had such a difficult road in life. It breaks my heart to watch him sometimes. He is hanging in limbo regarding his next surgery. The though of the doctors having to take part or all of his hand off has really made him more depressed and dejected. He tries so hard not to let it show. The other night we were at my aunts house visiting and he had such a sad look on his face. His sister asked if he was alright and he said he was tired. Tired of fighting. Everyone got quiet for a while. It seemed like forever before anyone said anything. From the time I was a small child, my moms mother, my dads parents and my dad would always say the same thing when they wanted me to go get them something from another room. " If you go get..... I will dance at your wedding." My three grandparents are now gone from this earth the only one left is my dad. I want him to dance at my wedding. I don't have much time left.

I hope you have a Happy Holiday season and may God Bless you and those you love.