Today and Continue the Insanity

I started a new job today. I will be working with a home health company as a visiting nurse. I have done the job before with another agency several years ago. It is amazing how much comes back to you. It is like my brain did not delete the information just filed it away knowing I might have need of it again. It is the beginning of February. I have been looking forward to this month for the last eight and a half years. Jason gets to come home, or so I thought. After waiting so long we find out a mere 2 weeks before we leave to get him that Kentucky plans on picking him up and we have to wait. Needless to say I am very disappointed. Hope and pray that the does not have to do too much time here for his violation. We really could use him home.

I left off my story with us keeping Marc's daughter and my move into my home. I am going to give a brief overview until my next episode. Marc and I lived together in my home. He did not work and I did. He would drop me off in the morning and come get me when it was time to go home. He was getting restless. He said he wanted a job, but had to get his child support issues taken care of before he could work. I took and several thousand dollar cash advance out on one of my credit cards to cover the attorney fees. Well that is what it was supposed to go for. Wrong again. Somehow the money disappeared. He said it went for this or that, but never for the lawyer. I was sick. I had never been this far in debt and could not afford the monthly payment. I become very depressed, unable to sleep, not eating right, irritable, weepy and always sick. My parents noticed. My friends noticed.

I went as far as to ask Jill for a loan. She loaned everyone else money. I had done as much for her as most of them probably more than most. I had Beth come with me to witness. Swallowing my pride was not something I did easily. Jill did not make it any better. I sat in her kitchen and told her of my plight. Beth sat listening quietly. I have never been so mortified, having to ask my friend for money. Jill at first refused to help me. She did not like Marc at all and had no problems voicing it. I was hurt that she would help everyone but me, when I was the one who talked my family into taking her and the kids in after they had been injured and left homeless. I was the one who bought the kids coats and shoes when she came home after her divorce. I was the one who got up early every morning before work and came home every night to care for her when she couldn't do it for herself. I left the kitchen to use the restroom.

When I came back Jill had changed her tune. She said she had thought about it and she would lend me the money, but their were stipulations. The stipulation was I would break off my relationship with Marc and have nothing else to do with him. EVER. This just pissed me off. Now I was hurt and pissed. She would lend money to anybody, but she wanted to control who I spent my time with? Not even my parents went there. I pretty much told her thanks anyway but I don't need it that bad. For me at the time it was like anyone else saying FUCK YOU!!! I left Jill's home with Beth, still miserable and not knowing what I was going to do. Mine and Jill's relationship was never the same. We started growing apart even though neither one of us would admit it. It took some time and reflection for me to see what might have happened when I left the table for the restroom. Jill had refused me and I left her alone with my champion, my best friend who always stood by me, Beth. I still wonder what Beth said to her to make Jill change her tune in a matter of a couple minutes. What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall.

I continued to get more depressed, but not my worst. What was I going to do? Marc continued to spend my money like it grew on a tree in the front yard. I continued to try and save him. My dad came over one Saturday to fix my bed. It was just the two of us. We were talking and then he slipped in the question. " What's going on ?" " Something is wrong." I broke down in tears, the only way you can with someone you know that has always been there. I told him about the debt but not how I got it. He told me he would take care of it. He went home later that evening and talked to my mom. One week later the bill was paid off and my guilt mounted. You would have thought after this I would have learned. Nope. I was on a mission to save the unsavagable, I just did not know it was a suicide mission.