I did not forget
It has been a few days since my last post. I did not forget I just did not know how to proceed with the rest of the story. I have been spending some quality time with my best friend over the last couple weeks. We have been talking more than we have in quite some time. It is almost like when we were younger. The conversation just flows, naturally. Topics are still the same. Work, family, men. Occasionally we will throw in politics or whatever the big news of the day may be. It is really nice to have that back. I have missed it over the last few months. As I was saying, I am still not sure exactly how to continue my tale, so I am just going to wing it.
I left off with the morning after with Marc. I will start out with some information about our relationship in general. After that first day I had an on again, off again relationship for 3 years with the man. If you were around at the time and happened to be close to me, you know why it was on again and off again. If you were not, then after reading the next few blogs you will understand. Marc started off the relationship being everything I was looking for at the time. Dangerous, Mysterious, Sexy and Sweet. Yes for those with their mouths gaping. He was very sweet to me. It was not something he showed to the rest of the world. Also, it helped reel me in to his web. After some time the dark side, beyond the little bit of dangerous/mysteriousness, emerged. A really dark side. I don't know if even I understood all of it. He never raised his hand to me, but the emotional abuse was probably worse with someone like me. He did not call me names or make me feel bad about myself on a daily basis. The name calling was when he lost his temper. He used his best weapon against me. GUILT. I tend to be a very caring and empathetic person. He preyed on my good nature to feel guilt to get his way. He also used fear. Like I said he never raised his hands to me, but ...... you will understand after some of my next few posts. I am going to hit on a few of the most monumental of those times. I am going to start off with a more happy time. Well it was for me.
I thought I was getting what I wanted. Someone totally not like Brian. I picked him up one Saturday night, soon after we had met, and then picked Beth up. We had decided to party at The Redneck Bar. I was thrilled. When we arrived , Beth and I were greeted at the door as usual, our many friends giving us hugs and big smiles. Especially our favorite DJ. I had never seen J, the DJ, go from smiling and jovial to looking sick in a matter of seconds. I noticed, my nurse training kicking in, and wondered why he was upset. It did not take long to figure out because J's eyes were focused on Marc walking behind me with his hand on the small of my back. If looks could kill I think Marc would have been a dead man. I tried not to think about it because I did not want to know why the fact that I was with Marc would upset J so much. I pushed on through and made my way to the bar. I bought myself a soda, Marc and Beth a beer , and hunkered down in my usual spot at my usual table.
We had spent half the night talking, laughing, singing and mingling with our weekend friends. By we I do mean all of us. I was standing at the DJ booth chatting with J. Beth was talking to the bartender and Marc was in the back of the room mingling with some guys playing pool. J then got a very serious look on his face. Usually he did not get too serious. I was curious. He leaned over and so only I would be able to hear began to talk. " Jenny, you do not need to get messed up with that guy. He is bad news." J was warning me off Marc. Part of me wondered why, he had never warned me away from anyone before. Actually I had never seen or heard of him warning anyone like this before. I brushed it off , keeping things light. " J, I am not really involved with him. We are friends. Friends with benefits. I don't want to marry him, I just want to fuck him. " J's eye got very round and he gave a nervous chuckle. Not words you would have expected to hear out of my mouth. I think I shocked him. By that time Marc had made his way back to the front and J did not say anymore. I made my way back to the table and let the night continue to unfold.
It was bit later that night. Beth and I were at the table chatting and looking for songs to sing. when Marc come up excited and smiling hugely. " I just made 700 dollars." Both mine and Beth's eye got big as we watched him dance away. Then we turned and looked at each other. Beth said to me, " Jen , you do know that's 5-10 if you get caught." I could read the the look on her face because the one on mine mirrored it. He was selling drugs in the bar. I knew he had used the first night and thought it was just a once in a while , special occasion kind of thing. Now here I was with a guy who went against everything I believed in. My brain said run. My heart said find out more. Maybe you will finally understand your brother. I turned my brain off and listened with my heart. We were still looking for songs when Marc returned. He came over to me with the straightest face and said, " Hey, babe. Can I put my gun in your car? J says I can't have it while I am in here." The blood drained from my face but I pasted on one of my most charming fake smiles. " Um, sure." Was my response as I handed him the keys to unlock my truck.
Beth was horror struck. There is no other way to put it. She leaned over more frantic than before and said , " You just went to 10-20. Do not make me start reciting penile codes! What are you doing?!!!!" I had no response beyond, " Yeah, I know." I was numb. It was like I had turned off my brain completely. I could not think about it. It just would not compute. I had to find out. I had to know. Here was my chance to find out what was so appealing about this life, this lifestyle my brother lived and breathed. The one I could not save him from. I had to know. The rest of the night was uneventful. I dropped Marc and Beth off at their homes and went home alone. It was this night I opened myself up to the world I always wished would not have existed.
I left off with the morning after with Marc. I will start out with some information about our relationship in general. After that first day I had an on again, off again relationship for 3 years with the man. If you were around at the time and happened to be close to me, you know why it was on again and off again. If you were not, then after reading the next few blogs you will understand. Marc started off the relationship being everything I was looking for at the time. Dangerous, Mysterious, Sexy and Sweet. Yes for those with their mouths gaping. He was very sweet to me. It was not something he showed to the rest of the world. Also, it helped reel me in to his web. After some time the dark side, beyond the little bit of dangerous/mysteriousness, emerged. A really dark side. I don't know if even I understood all of it. He never raised his hand to me, but the emotional abuse was probably worse with someone like me. He did not call me names or make me feel bad about myself on a daily basis. The name calling was when he lost his temper. He used his best weapon against me. GUILT. I tend to be a very caring and empathetic person. He preyed on my good nature to feel guilt to get his way. He also used fear. Like I said he never raised his hands to me, but ...... you will understand after some of my next few posts. I am going to hit on a few of the most monumental of those times. I am going to start off with a more happy time. Well it was for me.
I thought I was getting what I wanted. Someone totally not like Brian. I picked him up one Saturday night, soon after we had met, and then picked Beth up. We had decided to party at The Redneck Bar. I was thrilled. When we arrived , Beth and I were greeted at the door as usual, our many friends giving us hugs and big smiles. Especially our favorite DJ. I had never seen J, the DJ, go from smiling and jovial to looking sick in a matter of seconds. I noticed, my nurse training kicking in, and wondered why he was upset. It did not take long to figure out because J's eyes were focused on Marc walking behind me with his hand on the small of my back. If looks could kill I think Marc would have been a dead man. I tried not to think about it because I did not want to know why the fact that I was with Marc would upset J so much. I pushed on through and made my way to the bar. I bought myself a soda, Marc and Beth a beer , and hunkered down in my usual spot at my usual table.
We had spent half the night talking, laughing, singing and mingling with our weekend friends. By we I do mean all of us. I was standing at the DJ booth chatting with J. Beth was talking to the bartender and Marc was in the back of the room mingling with some guys playing pool. J then got a very serious look on his face. Usually he did not get too serious. I was curious. He leaned over and so only I would be able to hear began to talk. " Jenny, you do not need to get messed up with that guy. He is bad news." J was warning me off Marc. Part of me wondered why, he had never warned me away from anyone before. Actually I had never seen or heard of him warning anyone like this before. I brushed it off , keeping things light. " J, I am not really involved with him. We are friends. Friends with benefits. I don't want to marry him, I just want to fuck him. " J's eye got very round and he gave a nervous chuckle. Not words you would have expected to hear out of my mouth. I think I shocked him. By that time Marc had made his way back to the front and J did not say anymore. I made my way back to the table and let the night continue to unfold.
It was bit later that night. Beth and I were at the table chatting and looking for songs to sing. when Marc come up excited and smiling hugely. " I just made 700 dollars." Both mine and Beth's eye got big as we watched him dance away. Then we turned and looked at each other. Beth said to me, " Jen , you do know that's 5-10 if you get caught." I could read the the look on her face because the one on mine mirrored it. He was selling drugs in the bar. I knew he had used the first night and thought it was just a once in a while , special occasion kind of thing. Now here I was with a guy who went against everything I believed in. My brain said run. My heart said find out more. Maybe you will finally understand your brother. I turned my brain off and listened with my heart. We were still looking for songs when Marc returned. He came over to me with the straightest face and said, " Hey, babe. Can I put my gun in your car? J says I can't have it while I am in here." The blood drained from my face but I pasted on one of my most charming fake smiles. " Um, sure." Was my response as I handed him the keys to unlock my truck.
Beth was horror struck. There is no other way to put it. She leaned over more frantic than before and said , " You just went to 10-20. Do not make me start reciting penile codes! What are you doing?!!!!" I had no response beyond, " Yeah, I know." I was numb. It was like I had turned off my brain completely. I could not think about it. It just would not compute. I had to find out. I had to know. Here was my chance to find out what was so appealing about this life, this lifestyle my brother lived and breathed. The one I could not save him from. I had to know. The rest of the night was uneventful. I dropped Marc and Beth off at their homes and went home alone. It was this night I opened myself up to the world I always wished would not have existed.
posted by hard2stop @ 10:21 AM
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