What's Going On

I have recently been told I am in desperate need of blogging.. Or was that flogging? Not sure, but I decided to go this route instead. It is much less painful. It has been a while since my last entry. I have been trying to do some soul searching. Trying to find out what's going on in my head. I assure you it is not a place you want to linger for any amount of time. Very scary.

I have had a person in my life that makes me feel wonderful and awful at the same time. I know it is a contradiction but it really does happen. No mater how hard I tried to hang on to the wonderful and get rid of the awful it seemed to go the other direction. That is a story that would take up blogs for the next year. Lets just say I am trying to deal with the issues that have been embedded.

I have always been goal oriented. Driven. Sometimes to a fault. I used to be judgmental and unforgiving. Cold and hard. Most people could not see me break. Let me rephrase that I would not let people see me break. Weakness was not acceptable. I was The Rock. Then my world started to fall apart. My brother was sent to prison out of the state. I loved like had never loved before, let someone in, and got my heart broke. Switched roles , becoming the caregiver, and lost my favorite grandparent. Attempted to compensate for the loss of my love through the arms of others. I assure you it does not work. Faced finacial ruin and bankruptcy. I was always the one with the budget and money, now having to swallow my pride and ask for help. Boy do I have that in spades. I also became involved with a person who had control of me like no other person has ever had control before. I still can not explain the power this person has /had. It is like a battered woman's syndrome to the extreme. I guess it is safe to say I am emotionally depleted. I cry. I used to hate to let anyone see me cry. I just didn't do it unless I was alone. Now I am humiliated when I can't keep the tears from coming. Horrified. Maybe it is just my body's way of getting me back for holding it in so long.

I am now in a very unique position. Limbo. I have went from hard , cold, unforgiving, judgmental to the other extreme. I have to find a happy medium. Something I can be comfortable with. It has to start with some tough love. Like nike.. Just do it. Soul searching. I do hope the people that are closest to me will understand and be open. The last thing I need is the I told you so's, the hitting raw nerves....and they all know my raw areas. I nee do to take time to heal from the inside. Let myself heal from wounds made some time ago. I hope, I wish, and I pray for strength and wisdom. I will close this with a quote.. Wisdom is not gained with age but by the life that is lived during that age.

Another Year Come and Gone

As most of you know last week was my birthday. I had a very busy week. Tuesday one of my friends took me to a new Chineese restaurant for dinner. It was very yummy! Wednesday night I spent the evening with my mom and dad. Only fitting to spend the day of my birth with the 2 people who created me. They took me out to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Also very yummy! Friday night my best friend and I went to dinner and out to The Redneck Bar. Saturday was my celebration with the girls. We had dinner at Bucca De Beppo then hit the bar. I proceded to get very drunk. I know I should be past the age where I get drunk for my birthday, but I do it so few times a year it seems as good of an excuse as any.....lol. As far as birthday's go it wasn't too bad. I am now 29, single, have no children and have never been married. I look back over the year that has come and gone and have to wonder....... Whats next?

I have always been the person who had a plan. A list of things to acomplish by a certain time was never far from my mind. Goal oriented to a fault. The past year has been limbo. I would like to say a little piece of my own personal hell. I have lost direction. I have no goal. I have no plan. I am lost. I still see the big picture. I eventually want to get married, have a child, live happily ever after. Who doesn't? I am just not sure those things are in the cards for me. If not i will have to live with that.

This year I have loved with everything in my being. Hurt and been hurt. Cried and laughed, sometimes at the same time. Loved ones have moved away or pulled away. It has been an interesting ride. I have learned some helpful lessons I would like to share.
1. Sometimes its none of my business.
2. Do not force it. It will just happen.
3. The greatest gifts have nothing to do with money.
4. Stick together or fall apart.

Life is like a box of chocolates........