What's Going On

I have recently been told I am in desperate need of blogging.. Or was that flogging? Not sure, but I decided to go this route instead. It is much less painful. It has been a while since my last entry. I have been trying to do some soul searching. Trying to find out what's going on in my head. I assure you it is not a place you want to linger for any amount of time. Very scary.

I have had a person in my life that makes me feel wonderful and awful at the same time. I know it is a contradiction but it really does happen. No mater how hard I tried to hang on to the wonderful and get rid of the awful it seemed to go the other direction. That is a story that would take up blogs for the next year. Lets just say I am trying to deal with the issues that have been embedded.

I have always been goal oriented. Driven. Sometimes to a fault. I used to be judgmental and unforgiving. Cold and hard. Most people could not see me break. Let me rephrase that I would not let people see me break. Weakness was not acceptable. I was The Rock. Then my world started to fall apart. My brother was sent to prison out of the state. I loved like had never loved before, let someone in, and got my heart broke. Switched roles , becoming the caregiver, and lost my favorite grandparent. Attempted to compensate for the loss of my love through the arms of others. I assure you it does not work. Faced finacial ruin and bankruptcy. I was always the one with the budget and money, now having to swallow my pride and ask for help. Boy do I have that in spades. I also became involved with a person who had control of me like no other person has ever had control before. I still can not explain the power this person has /had. It is like a battered woman's syndrome to the extreme. I guess it is safe to say I am emotionally depleted. I cry. I used to hate to let anyone see me cry. I just didn't do it unless I was alone. Now I am humiliated when I can't keep the tears from coming. Horrified. Maybe it is just my body's way of getting me back for holding it in so long.

I am now in a very unique position. Limbo. I have went from hard , cold, unforgiving, judgmental to the other extreme. I have to find a happy medium. Something I can be comfortable with. It has to start with some tough love. Like nike.. Just do it. Soul searching. I do hope the people that are closest to me will understand and be open. The last thing I need is the I told you so's, the hitting raw nerves....and they all know my raw areas. I nee do to take time to heal from the inside. Let myself heal from wounds made some time ago. I hope, I wish, and I pray for strength and wisdom. I will close this with a quote.. Wisdom is not gained with age but by the life that is lived during that age.