Isn't it Ironic

I am still on my way to try and be more positive. I had my negativity cleansing rant on my last blog and what do you know I got sick over the weekend. Isn't that ironic. I am trying to make myself better and then get sick. Oh, well. Christmas is coming and I am really trying hard to get into the spirit. I have noticed the older I get the more difficult it becomes to get excited about the holidays. I always loved the holidays. I am a gift giver. I usually go overboard for every gift giving occasion. I have a very good friend that once told me it was a bit intimidating how out of the way I go. This year is a bit different. I have other financial obligations that are taking priority over buying Christmas gifts as I normally do.

My best friends and I have made a pact not to buy each other anything. We have to make each others gifts and can not spend more than 10 dollars on all the supplies for all 4 gifts. It is difficult let me tell you. I am a crafty person when I want to be but coming up with 4 gifts for 10 dollars is proving to be extremely interesting and very inventive at times. I can not wait to see what everyone comes up with. It should be a hoot. I guess the inability to give what I normally give for the holidays has me somewhat down. I know my friends are not the type of people who would like me better because i buy them something great, but I feel like I am letting them down if i don't. Another reason for the Christmas hum drum is there are people in my life missing this holiday season that I wish I had next to my side, now more than ever.

I lost both of my fathers parents almost 2 years ago. Last Christmas was hard, but I think everyone was still kind of in shock and trying so hard to not let it ruin the holiday. This year is harder. So much has happened since they have been gone. Things I still want to share and can't. I know they are watching down on me but it just isn't the same as getting a big hug or that special wink. I am also missing my younger brother this year more than normal. He has been gone for a few Christmases now, at least he will eventually be able to come home. I can not describe the bond between us. It is almost like when we are together we are stronger than when we are apart. I could use a little strength boost.

My dad. My dad has had such a difficult road in life. It breaks my heart to watch him sometimes. He is hanging in limbo regarding his next surgery. The though of the doctors having to take part or all of his hand off has really made him more depressed and dejected. He tries so hard not to let it show. The other night we were at my aunts house visiting and he had such a sad look on his face. His sister asked if he was alright and he said he was tired. Tired of fighting. Everyone got quiet for a while. It seemed like forever before anyone said anything. From the time I was a small child, my moms mother, my dads parents and my dad would always say the same thing when they wanted me to go get them something from another room. " If you go get..... I will dance at your wedding." My three grandparents are now gone from this earth the only one left is my dad. I want him to dance at my wedding. I don't have much time left.

I hope you have a Happy Holiday season and may God Bless you and those you love.