Borrowed Time

I knew it was going to be difficult for Jason to adjust to our world. It was not the same one he left so many years ago. Immediately following his release my cousin stayed at the house. She, Jason and Cindy ( my brother's girlfriend) kept him busy. He had so much to get used to from learning how to text, setting up e mail account, dealing with the drastic decline in our father's health since the last time he was home. I think dad was the hardest for him. Everything I had already accepted Jason was getting a crash course in.

Jason did great when he got home. He got a full time job driving a fork lift. He was clean and sober, attending regular NA meetings. He came home every night and helped take care of dad. A couple weeks after Jason got home dad got very sick. We had to take him to the hospital where he was admitted. Jason got a hard crash course in ill dad 101. He stayed up at the hospital all night every night until he got his job. Then he was there as long as he could be until dad would boot him from the room. Dad ended up in ICU that trip but got better, kind of. They eventually sent dad home and Jason became his physical therapist. Every night it was exercises and then walking. Dad was getting stronger. Jason's next court date was looming closer. The closer the date got the more pensive Jason became. I tried to give him hope. It would be crazy to send him to prison now.

Dad got sick again about a week before Jason was due in court. He had a heart attack. They wanted to make sure he was stable before they did a cath to check the damage. Dad was not bouncing back the way he always did. They eventually scheduled the cath for the same day as Jason's court date. This was not good. It meant mom would be with dad and i would be responsible for Jason. Not that I thought he was going to run or anything.

The night before Jason and I went to the hospital. We sat there a long time just the four of us. When it was time for Jason and I to leave he leaned over and spoke to my dad so neither myself or my mother could hear. Jason was saying good bye and not just for the night.

The next morning we proceeded to get dressed and start downtown. I had been so hopeful since he got out that they would not send him back, but I could not escape the lump of lead that had taken place in my stomach. I was nauseated. I did stop to get Jason some breakfast. Something told me he needed to eat, it could be a while before his next meal. We got to the courthouse and walked in together. Side by side. Several people had shown up to offer us their support. I was so glad to see them. The lawyer seemed confident things would go well. Jason went up front and I sat in the galley and we waited for the judge to begin. Turns out they never assigned a prosecutor for the case. They picked on up out of the hallway, and he had to go over the case before we could start. It was nerve wrecking. All this waiting.

When things finally got underway, the dread I had tried to push away was back. The prosecutor wanted the probation revoked and Jason sent to prison for the rest of his sentence. The judge made a nice long speech. The longer she spoke the more I did not want to listen. In the end everything Jason had done right- never in trouble while in Florida, all the certificates, all the letters sent in, taking care of my dad, a full time job, staying clean and going to NA meetings, offering to pay back the money he owed for restitution- did not matter to her. She sent him back to prison. " Sometimes it is not about rehabilitation. Sometimes it is about punishment."

As the bailiff stalked over to handcuff Jason, Cindy lost in moaning and running from the courtroom. I was stunned. I could not believe this was really happening. I could feel my eyes well up with tears. It felt like I was trying to breathe through a thick cotton blanket, my lungs burning. My entire body burning with intense hatred, shaking from anger. This was not right. About this time I started to open my mouth to shout the words I could not keep from coming and Robin was standing in front of me. She pulled my head into her stomach as the words come tumbling out. " The fucking cunt just sent my baby brother back. I hope she chokes on her vomit and dies." I pulled away and went to take my brothers belongings from Roy then made a bee line for the door. I was sick inside. Devastated. Now I was going to have to tell my mother that I was not bringing her baby back with me. Again I failed. I told my dad I would bring him back.

Waiting

It has been a while since my last post. It is now June and summer is upon us. I know I left my story about Marc a cliff hanger. I will get back to it eventually. So much has happened since I last posted. My little brother was brought back to Kentucky on Feb 20. A couple of retired State Troopers went to Florida to get him. They did not arrive until late Friday night and Jason's arriagnment was not scheduled until Monday morning. It was a long weekend. One of the longest I have ever had.

Monday morning my mom, dad and I got up and got dressed to face the day at the courthouse. We had one of my best friends with us as well as one of my cousin's. My mom was a basket case ranting at the smallest things. My dad had grown very quiet. We were under the impression that there would be a lawyer there for Jason. We went early to try and get through the paperwork beforehand. My parents were going to use the house as a bond to get my brother out. We had to park 2 blocks from the courthouse and I pushed my dad in the wheelchair. He was not able to walk the distance. When we got there we were told that the property bond could not be done until Jason had been before the judge. We had to wait. As we waited it became apparent that the lawyer we thought was going to be there did not know he was supposed to be there. He also wanted a nice sum of money for his services. Money my parents did not have right at the moment. MY mother went crazy!!!! She was unconsolable at this point. She refused to answer the man's call and I had to do it. My cousin spoke with her husband and they offered to loan my mom and dad the money for the lawyer since my mom would be able to pay them back in a few weeks. We had the lawyer settled and he was on his way.

Now we waited for the lawyer, the arraignment, Jason. They brought him into the courtroom to stand before the judge. The same judge that had given him probation 9 years ago. She was not thrilled to see him. They had no prosecutor for the case. They could not even find his "jacket" to let them know what he had done or where he had been. Jason's lawyer talked the judge into giving him a property bond, but not before she lectured my parents, trying to talk them out of it. She wanted to give a full cash bond. Now it was a reace to get Jason's paperwork done downtown and then a race to Shepherdsville to get paperwork done there. We cut it very very close. I pulled into the parking lot in Shepherdsville at ten to 4. They closed at 4. My dad yelled at me 4 times in the car to slow down on the way. Each time he would turn his head I would inch back down on the acclerator. YEAH we made it. Now we had to wait for the paperwork to go through so he would get released.

I dropped my parents and Rob off at our home. She had come to the court house in downtown for support. Then me, my cousin, my friend and my brothers girlfriend drove back to downtown and waited for Jason to be released. We waited and waited and waited. We waited about 4-5 hours before he finally emerged from the double doors. I had called dibs on first hug. I am his sister. As I was hugging him I was recalling the words of a guy who had been released before Jason and had said how lucky Jason was to have a car full of women come and get him. I think Jason thought he was lucky just to be out. It was the first time he had been in the world in eight and a half years. We had another court date set for April 16, but right now we were living in the moment. I took my brother home, At last he was home.

Guilty and Scared

My guilt had mounted. I was growing apart from one of my best friends and the other 3 thought I had lost my mind. Looking at it now, I think I had lost my mind. I stayed with Marc. He continued not to work and I continued to support him and all of his bad habits. Yes he had many. He loved to shop. He would go out and buy 200$ shoes and I would be worrying how I was going to pay the house payment. He would strut around town in GQ fashion and I would not even buy myself a t shirt from Wal Mart. The biggest problem was not the excessive shopping but the drugs. I issued ultimatums stop the cocaine. He would stop using that but moved on to something else. When I would figure out what his drug of the week was I would issue another ultimatum. I knew in my gut he was an addict, but every time he said he needed me , he had no one else who cared, I gave him another chance. A chance to change.

I had always felt guilty for not doing more for my brother. I knew when he was out of control and I made pathetic half hearted attempts to get him straight. Then I just ignored it. Pushed it from my head like it was not even happening. I was the big sister. I was supposed to protect him and watch out for him, and I didn't. Marc was going to be different in my eyes. I was going to do everything I could, be everything I could and give all I could to try and alleviate my own guilt at Jason's downfall. did I also mention Marc had serious mental health issues. He was manic depressive, possible schizophrenic, definitely personality disorder. He told me about his childhood abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional. He had many scars inside and out. I am not sure how much of it was true, but something or someone really fucked this guy up.

Marc used my guilt to keep me with him. He knew just what to say to pull me back in. We were having a particularly bad week. He was restless. I was weaning him off his current drug. Withdrawl symptoms were there. He wanted to go out. He was over the worst of the withdrawal so I agreed . He was going to go to a friends house close to my parents. While he was there I would hang out with mom and dad. He threw a fit when I went to the drivers side of my SUV. I gave in, it was not worth the hassle and let him drive. He ranted all the way down Preston Hwy from Shepherdsville. Eleven miles of 2 lane road. We had just passed the turn to my old high school. I was ignoring his rant. Then he pulled out the gun. He was screaming and crying, waving the gun in the air, while pushing down on the accelerator. The truck jumped to 60 miles per hour and he jammed the gun in his mouth. He was almost inaudible over the barrel. I could hardly make out what he was saying. I have never been so scared in my life. There was no way I would be able to control the truck if he pulled the trigger. We would both die or He would die and i would be seriously injured.

Then my psych training kicked in. I very calmly talked to him. I gave him the reassurance he needed. I let him him talk without escalating. I brought him down and talked him into handing me the gun. My hands were shaking so bad I was afraid I would accidentally hit the trigger. I found the safety and made sure it was on. Marc pulled over to the side of the road and we switched seats. I drove him the rest of the way. That night I stayed at my parents house. I told Marc that my mom needed my help with my father. I told my parents I was afraid of him. I wanted to leave him but I was scared.

The next night my mom told him to come get his things from the car. She told him that her and my father had to hospitalize me. They told him I had a nervous breakdown and was in a locked unit and no one could see me right now. I had no phone and could make no phone calls. I was really hiding in the den bathroom. In the tub , with the shower curtain pulled. He got his things and stayed perfectly nice to my parents and left. He made call after call to my cell phone . Left lovey messages like he did when we first started dating. I stayed with my parents for over 2 weeks. Afraid to go home.

Today and Continue the Insanity

I started a new job today. I will be working with a home health company as a visiting nurse. I have done the job before with another agency several years ago. It is amazing how much comes back to you. It is like my brain did not delete the information just filed it away knowing I might have need of it again. It is the beginning of February. I have been looking forward to this month for the last eight and a half years. Jason gets to come home, or so I thought. After waiting so long we find out a mere 2 weeks before we leave to get him that Kentucky plans on picking him up and we have to wait. Needless to say I am very disappointed. Hope and pray that the does not have to do too much time here for his violation. We really could use him home.

I left off my story with us keeping Marc's daughter and my move into my home. I am going to give a brief overview until my next episode. Marc and I lived together in my home. He did not work and I did. He would drop me off in the morning and come get me when it was time to go home. He was getting restless. He said he wanted a job, but had to get his child support issues taken care of before he could work. I took and several thousand dollar cash advance out on one of my credit cards to cover the attorney fees. Well that is what it was supposed to go for. Wrong again. Somehow the money disappeared. He said it went for this or that, but never for the lawyer. I was sick. I had never been this far in debt and could not afford the monthly payment. I become very depressed, unable to sleep, not eating right, irritable, weepy and always sick. My parents noticed. My friends noticed.

I went as far as to ask Jill for a loan. She loaned everyone else money. I had done as much for her as most of them probably more than most. I had Beth come with me to witness. Swallowing my pride was not something I did easily. Jill did not make it any better. I sat in her kitchen and told her of my plight. Beth sat listening quietly. I have never been so mortified, having to ask my friend for money. Jill at first refused to help me. She did not like Marc at all and had no problems voicing it. I was hurt that she would help everyone but me, when I was the one who talked my family into taking her and the kids in after they had been injured and left homeless. I was the one who bought the kids coats and shoes when she came home after her divorce. I was the one who got up early every morning before work and came home every night to care for her when she couldn't do it for herself. I left the kitchen to use the restroom.

When I came back Jill had changed her tune. She said she had thought about it and she would lend me the money, but their were stipulations. The stipulation was I would break off my relationship with Marc and have nothing else to do with him. EVER. This just pissed me off. Now I was hurt and pissed. She would lend money to anybody, but she wanted to control who I spent my time with? Not even my parents went there. I pretty much told her thanks anyway but I don't need it that bad. For me at the time it was like anyone else saying FUCK YOU!!! I left Jill's home with Beth, still miserable and not knowing what I was going to do. Mine and Jill's relationship was never the same. We started growing apart even though neither one of us would admit it. It took some time and reflection for me to see what might have happened when I left the table for the restroom. Jill had refused me and I left her alone with my champion, my best friend who always stood by me, Beth. I still wonder what Beth said to her to make Jill change her tune in a matter of a couple minutes. What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall.

I continued to get more depressed, but not my worst. What was I going to do? Marc continued to spend my money like it grew on a tree in the front yard. I continued to try and save him. My dad came over one Saturday to fix my bed. It was just the two of us. We were talking and then he slipped in the question. " What's going on ?" " Something is wrong." I broke down in tears, the only way you can with someone you know that has always been there. I told him about the debt but not how I got it. He told me he would take care of it. He went home later that evening and talked to my mom. One week later the bill was paid off and my guilt mounted. You would have thought after this I would have learned. Nope. I was on a mission to save the unsavagable, I just did not know it was a suicide mission.

Continuing the Story

Hey. It has been a few days since my last post. I would love to say I am busy, but I can't. I have been getting conflicting information on my brother. I was told over the weekend that Kentucky was going to go get him from Florida. Bummer. Actually now we do not know. He signed extradition papers, but apparently they have any inmate with charges in another state sign them. He has not signed transportation papers for Kentucky to actually transport him back. As of right now we do not know if we need to get him or if Kentucky will show up to get him. I wish they would get their ducks in a row. The unorganized way they do things drive me crazy!!!!

I left off my story with Marc and my interesting evening at the Redneck Bar. As the weeks went by I did not hear back from him. He was no longer living in the same place so the number I had for him was a no go. At first I was pissed. He just disappeared. Then I started to move on, going back to the old ways. Dangerous dating. Four weeks later I get a phone call on my cell while I am at work. It is him. He had moved to Lexington to live with some friends. He had gotten laid off, so he said, and had to leave. He apologized and we talked for a few minutes. He called again later that night to chat. Over the work week we talked everyday and he really wanted to see me over the coming weekend. I drove to Lexington to pick him up. We went out and spent the weekend together. It was great. He was sweet and charming. He said everything I needed to hear. Things that the person in my last relationship never said to me. He treated me like I was a queen and he was the very lucky lottery winner. I felt like I had won the lottery. We continued in this fashion for about a month. He wanted to come back to Louisville but had no place to stay. I was still living with my parents, but the patio home I was having built would be done by the end of April. It was March. I helped him move back to Louisville and rented a place at an Intown Suite.
It was like we were playing house. I was having a blast.

While we stayed at the suite he contacted his ex and they arranged a time for him to get his daughter. She was 3 and so cute. I had met her once before. She was to stay just the one weekend with us and then go back to her mother. Jennifer dropped her off to us in a McDonald's parking lot on Friday night and we played happy family for the weekend. Sunday came and no call from Jennifer. She wasn't answering her phone or returning calls. Monday came and still nothing. Tuesday nothing. Wednesday nothing. Thursday nothing. Friday nothing. Saturday and Sunday nothing. I could not fathom any mother leaving her child for over a week and not trying to contact her or coming to get her. She left her with a change of clothes and two pairs of socks. We went shopping for clothes and toys to keep her entertained. I had no idea if she was coming back ever. The next Wednesday she called and arranged for us to drop the baby off to her at the same McDonald's. When we arrived the little girl clinged to Marc and Jennifer had to physically pull the crying child off of him. I watched the exchange feeling so sorry for the little girl. Then I looked at Jennifer. Her eyes were sunken in and bloodshot. Her pupils dilated and she was extremely jerky. I had seen this before. She was high. By the looks of it very high. Marc had warned me she was addicted to meth but when I first saw her, when we picked the girl up, she was not high. Now I understood how and why we did not get a call for a week and a half. I did not want to see that little girl ride away in an SUV with a mother that forgot she existed and one that was so stoned she could not control her body. I worried.

The night we dropped the little girl off, I got my first glimpse of the depression and darkness in Marc's head. His facade slipped. He became dejected and would hardly speak to me. His eyes were cold and remote, almost cruel . It was like he was another person. I chalked it off to his having to hand over his daughter knowing the situation he had to put her in. I would probably be angry too. Little did I know that my reasoning was not right. This was just a side of his personality he had hidden until I was hooked. He knew I would not walk away from him . He was right. I stayed. I should have run.

I did not forget

It has been a few days since my last post. I did not forget I just did not know how to proceed with the rest of the story. I have been spending some quality time with my best friend over the last couple weeks. We have been talking more than we have in quite some time. It is almost like when we were younger. The conversation just flows, naturally. Topics are still the same. Work, family, men. Occasionally we will throw in politics or whatever the big news of the day may be. It is really nice to have that back. I have missed it over the last few months. As I was saying, I am still not sure exactly how to continue my tale, so I am just going to wing it.

I left off with the morning after with Marc. I will start out with some information about our relationship in general. After that first day I had an on again, off again relationship for 3 years with the man. If you were around at the time and happened to be close to me, you know why it was on again and off again. If you were not, then after reading the next few blogs you will understand. Marc started off the relationship being everything I was looking for at the time. Dangerous, Mysterious, Sexy and Sweet. Yes for those with their mouths gaping. He was very sweet to me. It was not something he showed to the rest of the world. Also, it helped reel me in to his web. After some time the dark side, beyond the little bit of dangerous/mysteriousness, emerged. A really dark side. I don't know if even I understood all of it. He never raised his hand to me, but the emotional abuse was probably worse with someone like me. He did not call me names or make me feel bad about myself on a daily basis. The name calling was when he lost his temper. He used his best weapon against me. GUILT. I tend to be a very caring and empathetic person. He preyed on my good nature to feel guilt to get his way. He also used fear. Like I said he never raised his hands to me, but ...... you will understand after some of my next few posts. I am going to hit on a few of the most monumental of those times. I am going to start off with a more happy time. Well it was for me.

I thought I was getting what I wanted. Someone totally not like Brian. I picked him up one Saturday night, soon after we had met, and then picked Beth up. We had decided to party at The Redneck Bar. I was thrilled. When we arrived , Beth and I were greeted at the door as usual, our many friends giving us hugs and big smiles. Especially our favorite DJ. I had never seen J, the DJ, go from smiling and jovial to looking sick in a matter of seconds. I noticed, my nurse training kicking in, and wondered why he was upset. It did not take long to figure out because J's eyes were focused on Marc walking behind me with his hand on the small of my back. If looks could kill I think Marc would have been a dead man. I tried not to think about it because I did not want to know why the fact that I was with Marc would upset J so much. I pushed on through and made my way to the bar. I bought myself a soda, Marc and Beth a beer , and hunkered down in my usual spot at my usual table.

We had spent half the night talking, laughing, singing and mingling with our weekend friends. By we I do mean all of us. I was standing at the DJ booth chatting with J. Beth was talking to the bartender and Marc was in the back of the room mingling with some guys playing pool. J then got a very serious look on his face. Usually he did not get too serious. I was curious. He leaned over and so only I would be able to hear began to talk. " Jenny, you do not need to get messed up with that guy. He is bad news." J was warning me off Marc. Part of me wondered why, he had never warned me away from anyone before. Actually I had never seen or heard of him warning anyone like this before. I brushed it off , keeping things light. " J, I am not really involved with him. We are friends. Friends with benefits. I don't want to marry him, I just want to fuck him. " J's eye got very round and he gave a nervous chuckle. Not words you would have expected to hear out of my mouth. I think I shocked him. By that time Marc had made his way back to the front and J did not say anymore. I made my way back to the table and let the night continue to unfold.

It was bit later that night. Beth and I were at the table chatting and looking for songs to sing. when Marc come up excited and smiling hugely. " I just made 700 dollars." Both mine and Beth's eye got big as we watched him dance away. Then we turned and looked at each other. Beth said to me, " Jen , you do know that's 5-10 if you get caught." I could read the the look on her face because the one on mine mirrored it. He was selling drugs in the bar. I knew he had used the first night and thought it was just a once in a while , special occasion kind of thing. Now here I was with a guy who went against everything I believed in. My brain said run. My heart said find out more. Maybe you will finally understand your brother. I turned my brain off and listened with my heart. We were still looking for songs when Marc returned. He came over to me with the straightest face and said, " Hey, babe. Can I put my gun in your car? J says I can't have it while I am in here." The blood drained from my face but I pasted on one of my most charming fake smiles. " Um, sure." Was my response as I handed him the keys to unlock my truck.

Beth was horror struck. There is no other way to put it. She leaned over more frantic than before and said , " You just went to 10-20. Do not make me start reciting penile codes! What are you doing?!!!!" I had no response beyond, " Yeah, I know." I was numb. It was like I had turned off my brain completely. I could not think about it. It just would not compute. I had to find out. I had to know. Here was my chance to find out what was so appealing about this life, this lifestyle my brother lived and breathed. The one I could not save him from. I had to know. The rest of the night was uneventful. I dropped Marc and Beth off at their homes and went home alone. It was this night I opened myself up to the world I always wished would not have existed.

Party ! A Day Late

I spent some time today with "Beth". We went out to lunch and to use my Christmas present. Tickets to the Titanic exhibit. Our Museum of Science is hosting the exhibit temporarily. I had seen the exhibit twice in Chicago when I was dating Brain. Beth went with me once to that one. Since Louisville is a smaller city I knew the exhibition would be smaller. It was nice, not anywhere near as grand as the one in Chicago. I was somewhat disappointed with the gift shop . There was a whole gift shop that sold Titanic merchandise in Chicago. Our gift shop had 3 shelves maybe 3 feet long per shelf. Not much space, not much to put on the shelves. I did pick up a couple things very reasonably priced. We spent a lot of time today chatting about my past. That brings me up to the day in the past that changed everything. New Year's Day 2005.

I had spent New Year's Eve with my friends at Beth's apartment. We played games and watched the ball drop in Times Square. A good time was had by all. The next night Beth and I decided to hit our spot. The Redneck Bar. Deep down I was hoping to see HIM. It had been a couple of weeks. I was the driver again by choice. As we entered I heard the chorus of our names. Then I was passed from person to person for hugs and wishes of a good New Year. I was drowning in the scent of cologne. Everyone wearing something different. I was not paying a lot of attention while being turned, hugged and passed to the next set of arms. I stopped dead in my tracks when I almost landed straight into His arms. I had made it through my waiting crowd and he was on the fringe. All I could do was stare. His face split into a mischievous grin when he spoke to me. "Hey, How's it going?" I almost swallowed my tongue. If it had not been glued to the roof of my mouth I might have done it. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and knew I was blushing bright red. A barely audible "good" is all I could manage before I was pulled back to reality by another friend vying for my attention. I stumbled away to my usual table.

Tonight was different. Very different. Yes we had been in the bar together before but he had never spoken to me. Also he had always been accompanied by a woman, I assumed was his wife or girlfriend. Tonight she was no where to be seen. Interesting, very very interesting. Most of the night I spent mingling, singing and trying not to stare too much. Beth was up singing a song when I looked to my side and there he sat. Same smile on those lips. I took a deep breath and kept my cool. Just my luck. He was asking me about Beth. He wanted to know if she was married or had a significant other. It was really no big surprise. Most guys preferred Beth to me anyway. She was lively and vivacious, full of life and fun. I was more quiet and reserved, self conscious. I did take some pleasure in letting him know she was married and he had no chance. Hee hee hee my little devil rejoiced. He did not seem to upset with the news just switched gears and asked about my availability. I informed him I was not seeing anyone at the moment. He just smiled and got up to sing his song. Beth had finished and he had been called up by the DJ. At the time I was kind of bummed. Ok I was really bummed. Another guy who preferred one of my friends over me. It happened a lot with Jill, sometimes Beth, occasionally Lynn. I decided that was ok. I could still look.

A little later in the night I was sitting toward the end of the table by myself while Beth was chatting with the DJ. He came strolling back over. Sat down next to me with his Coronoa in hand and looked in the direction I had just been staring. He finally introduced himself. I will call him Marc, since it was one of his favorite alias. I introduced myself and he started asking the basic questions. How long have you been coming here? What do you do for a living? Do you live around here? How old are you? Any kids? We were both chatting away when a woman walked by. She was not a regular there. She was dressed more for prostitution than clubbing. Her short black miniskirt barely covered her ass and the abdomen revealing halter top left no doubt she was not wearing a bra. Fishnet stockings and 3 inch stilettos finished the outfit. I would not have taken such notice of her except one of the very drunk patrons at the bar propositioned her. Twenty bucks for a blow job in his car. It was the look on her over made up face that made me remember. She was offended. She was so offended she reached back and smacked the guy across the face letting him and anyone in the vicinity know she was not a whore. She was not easy and would not be having sex with anyone tonight , thank you very much.

I crossed my fingers hoping a fight would not break out. It didn't. Both Marc and I had seen the exchange and I could not contain the laughter. He was soon laughing with me. Then we got into a discussion not knowing where it was going to lead me . I wondered out loud., " Why do women who dress like that get so offended when they get propositioned in a place like this? Yes she has a right to dress however she wants, but if you wear an outfit screaming sex why would you act like a virgin schoolgirl when someone says something. You are in a bar." Marc agreed with me and expounded upon it with, " Yeah, so many people can be prudish about sex these days." I was getting bolder by the minute because I really did not think he was interested in me. He was fast becoming another one of my bar friends. I was comfortable and became myself, out of my shell and responded with, " I know exactly what you mean. Everyone has sex. Most people enjoy it. Why would you act like you don't. I know I do. I like sex. Hell, I like it all ,oral as well. I have no problem saying I like to give head." By this point he was laughing so hard he was crying but shaking his head in agreement. He responded with' Yeah I like sex too, and I like to eat pussy." I do not know if I was just overly tired or had really turned off my radar because I just kept going. " See, see what I mean. Everyone likes it." was my response. Marc then got a very thoughtful look on his face and I wondered what a drunk guy could be thinking so hard about at almost 3 in the morning. So I asked. He started to say something then stopped. "What? What were you going to say?" I had to know. He gave a half smile and said he couldn't , he really did not want to offend me now. Now I had to know. I pressed the issue. He looked me dead in the eye. His face as serious as a judge and spoke the words, " Would you let me eat you?" MY heart stopped.

I was so not expecting that. For a minute I could not say anything at all. I know my eyes had to have gotten huge and my mouth had fallen open in shock ,because he got a regretful look on his face and started to apologize for offending me. I came into my head and quickly reassured him that I was not offended , not at all. He didn't look like he believed me so I answered his question. " Yes, yes I would let you." His eyes smoldered with the one word from his lips, "Tonight?" It was what I wanted. I went for it. " Yes , tonight." We agreed that I would go back to his place with him after I dropped Beth at home that night. He asked me to dance and we swayed close together on the dance floor. I was not paying attention to anyone but him, the sound of his voice as he sang in my ear, his scent that was filling my head and scrambling my senses. He kissed me on the dance floor and I knew it was right. The Earth moved.

I told Beth what I was going to do after I dropped her off. The way I had been acting lately I don't think I surprised her, although she did look concerned. The night wore on and we closed the bar down. I dropped Beth at her apartment and made the trip back to Marc's place. On the way he told me about his ex girl friend, the one I had seen him with. Then he asked if I had ever been in love. Odd question to bring up right before sleeping with someone, but I was honest. I told him about Brain. He proceeded to tell me about Jennifer. We had the same name. She was not his most recent ex ,but his ex fiancee. I understood where he was. He understood where I was. Great. We pulled into the drive of the house he was spending the night at. No one was home. He led me into the kitchen and played host, offering me something to drink or eat. I declined. I was looking around and not paying a lot of attention to what he was doing. When I returned my attention to him he was leaning over a small glass mirror on the counter cutting something up with a razor. On further inspection I knew what he was cutting. Cocaine. I had never seen anyone cut a line of cocaine before. Only in the movies ,never in person. I had seen the drug from patients personal belongings in the hospital, but it was always in a baggie. I was staring. He looked up , smiled and offered me a line. I declined, telling him I was randomly drug tested at work and could loose my nursing license if I tested positive. He was satisfied with the response and did not push. He did his line with a rolled up dollar bill, just like in the movies. My brain was just not processing what I was seeing. I was anti-drug, I had a brother in prison due to drugs and despised them. It still was not computing in my brain. He took my hand and led me back to the bedroom.

I think he could tell something was not right. I am sure he assumed it was nerves. It was really me trying to figure out if I was going to stay or go after what I had seen in the kitchen. Then I decided. I am not marrying the guy , I am just sleeping with him. I wanted a bad boy, someone a little dangerous, someone as far away from straight laced Brian as I could get. Well here he was staring me in the face, wanting me as much as I wanted him. Marc put in a movie and we were laying on the bed snuggled together watching the beginning. He leaned down and kissed me again and that was all it took. Things were starting to get pretty heated when my cell phone went off. The first thought in my head was Beth. It had to be her calling me at four in the morning. I had just dropped her off a little while ago. He stayed snuggled next to me, kissing my neck when I reached for the phone. I did not even look at the caller ID. I just answered with a breathless, "Hello." It wasn't Beth. The blood that had been running hot in my veins turned to ice. It was Brian. Beth and I had called him earlier in the night to chat and he was returning the call thinking we may still be together. Marc stopped kissing me the second he heard the other man's name and a look of surprise crossed his face. I told Brain that I had already dropped Beth off and we were no longer together. Usually we would have chatted for a few but I was in a bit of a hurry to get off the phone. Brian figured out I was kind of busy and I think he was as anxious to end the call as I was. How awkward is that, making out with a man when you ex calls to chat. Oops.

Marc was very gracious after I got off the phone. He asked if I was ok and if I wanted to leave. Why would I want to leave? Brain was in Chicago and we were ancient history and I had Mr Sexy right here. Hell no I did not want to leave. I told him as much. We continued where we had left off. I am not going to get into the actual action, but lets say he made good on his request from earlier in the night, plus some. More than once. He held me next to him through the rest of the night, occasionally waking me with a kiss or a touch for a repeat performance. Later that day we made plans to meet that night. I left him at the door with a kiss. Flying high.

Today I wonder about the encounter. I have no doubt if Beth had been single he would have been over there trying to get her to turn his way. I am not sure she would have but he would have tried harder than he did. Now, something tells me, he was never really interested in Beth beyond a good time. I was his Mark. Every con artist scopes the lay of the land before making a move. I honestly think he knew Beth was married before he ever asked me. I also now believe he knew I was single and had taken the break up with Brian very hard. Anyone who knew us in the bar could have told him about us. My guess is he had already asked around. I thought I had him in my sights, but I was really in his. We were just not playing the same game.

First Sight

Something had to give. Boy, when I said that I was hoping for a little bend , I did not know I was getting ready to snap it in half. It was December 2004. "Beth" and I decided to go out to our favorite weekend hang out. The Redneck Bar. I was usually the designated driver on our outings, by choice. I also loved watching Beth let her hair down and be herself. We always had a great time. Our favorite DJ was working that night. Beth and I were regulars and we knew most of the employees there by name. Heck the DJ had been known to give us a call on nights it was slow and try and talk us into coming up to liven up his night. Whenever we walked in the place a chorus of our names was heard and we were both greeting with smiles and hugs from half the people in the place. It was comfortable. It was fun. I had been becoming more and more unhappy with how I was behaving with the opposite sex. I had kept from "dating" anyone from my favorite hang out at this time. Beth had made her way to the bar and I had noticed that there were people sitting in our usual spot. I switched tables and started people watching. My eyes fell on my usual spot and I started watching the group that had planted themselves there. That was the first time I had saw him.

I could not drag my eyes away. He wasn't beautiful, he wasn't classically handsome, but there was something about him I could not turn away from. He looked wild, dangerous, and totally yummy. He was dressed impeccably in slacks, a long sleeved button down shirt and shiny black dress shoes. He stood about 5 ft 10 and had the tan of someone who is out in the sun a lot. His short coal black hair was gelled into a disarray. It was like he had taken his hands and run them through his hair leaving it sticking about every which way, like a rock star. He was laughing and having the time of his life it seemed. My interest was more than piqued. Beth caught me staring. She kept nudging me to get me to quit. The guy was there with another woman. His girlfriend by all appearances. I did not want to get into a confrontation with some female marking her territory. I tried to keep my eyes up front, where the DJ was busy calling people up for karaoke. He called a name and up walked Mr. Dangerous himself. He had put himself in the spotlight so I could look all I wanted while he stood up to sing his song. I wasn't expecting much. Most people who get up to sing karaoke are not very good. He was going to try and sing one of my favorite songs. " Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi.

I braced myself for the slaughter of another innocent song. The music began and his deep gravely voice sent shivers down my arms. I sat there , slack jawed, in awe. He could sing. He could sing well. The more difficult the song became the more he got into it. I was mesmerized, hooked. I think even Beth was a bit shocked. After he had finished, everyone gave him a loud round of applause. Some of the patrons were even going over to talk to him , to request he sing another. I knew what I wanted to hear. I just could not get out of my seat to ask him to sing it. I spoke very quietly to Beth. She had already had a few drinks and was not as reserved as myself. I was sober. She did it for me. She went over and asked him if he would sing the song I wanted to hear. I could not believe it when he agreed. His girlfriend did not look very happy . Beth came back to our table with the news that he had agreed to sing it and I was on cloud nine. I could not wait. Eventually the DJ called his name and he took the floor and the microphone again. The familiar music that started the song sent my pulse into the same beat.

I know , I know. What was the song I so wanted to hear? With his voice it had to be "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. For those of you who are going, What song is that?, you would not be alone. Many people do not know that is the title of the song they have heard over and over. They tend to know it by the refrain, " I wanna fuck you like and animal. I wanna feel you from the inside." I could go on but by this point I am sure you know the song. It was a telling kind of song considering that is exactly what I so wanted to do. No one had ever brought on such a quick , mind numbing lust with just a look or the sound of his voice. It was like I had been put under his spell. All I know is I wanted him and I wanted him bad.

I made do that night with listening him sing the words I wanted to hear, the words I wanted to say. I did not make a move. I didn't "date" guys from my bar and I did not "date " men who were already spoken for. I learned that one the hard way. I also did not want to mess up my party spot with possible awkward meetings after the fact. I could not get him out of my head though. I dropped Beth off that night and went home alone. I saw him once more at the Redneck Bar, with the same woman. I continued to cast sly glances his direction and stare openly when he got up to sing. I did not speak to him. I just watched. Little did I know with the coming New Year all that would change.