Hello New Year

Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I have blogged. So very much has been going on. I am sure we all get that way during the holiday season. I had high hopes 2006 was going to begin a lot better than 2005 had ended. I was trying to think positive, be positive, stay positive but it seems everywhere I turn there is someone or something ready to knock me down.

I have recently parted company with a man I love. Despite everything that has happened I do love him. I may not like him very much right now and leaving was for the best, but I can not just turn my feeling off and on like a light switch. I am hurting. I am trying hard not to let everyone see how bad it truly is. You know put on a happy face. I was always one to wear a mask to hide most of my emotions anyway. I need the poeple in my life to understand this. I hope they understand this is not just going to fix itself in a week or two. I do not want to make the same mistakes I made after I lost my other love. It will take time.

I have been spending a lot of time at my parents home, partly because everywhere I turn in my own home it reminds me of him and beacuse my dog has someone to play with over there. I have been watching my dad day after day. He has recently started raditation on his hand for cancer. The wound is open and bleeds all the time and he is in pain. If he is in this much pain in the beginning how much will he be in by the time they are done? It is also possible that all of this will be for nothing and he will still have to have partial amputation. I guess only time will tell. It is just so very hard to see him like this. He puts on a happy face and a positive front to the world, but with us he falls so low. Please keep him in your prayers. I know I am.

I am feeling pretty alone right now. I know I am not, but it just feels that way. I miss the feel of my godchildren's arms around my neck. I miss the easy commradrie with certain friends. I miss being content. Although I did have an interesting suprise on New Years. We were sitting at a friends house watching the tv and the descent of the ball and I looked around. I felt so out of place, I felt so alone. I was in a room full of my best friends and I have never felt so alone. My two friends standing by their husbands, one friend curled up next to her boyfriend and me sitting in a hard backed chair in a corner by myself. Then my one friend's cell phone began to ring. It was a very good friend of mine from Chicago as well as one of my past loves. He stayed on the phone with me until after the ball dropped and was the first to wish me a Happy New Year. I didn't feel so alone. Especially after my best bud came over and planted one right on my smacker. Thanks Chicago, see you soon.

For all those out there may your new year blessed and I hope 2006 brings all the good fortune and positivity to your life. I know I am still working on mine. I guess you can say I am a work in progress.