hard2 stop

Borrowed Time

2010-06-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

I knew it was going to be difficult for Jason to adjust to our world. It was not the same one he left so many years ago. Immediately following his release my cousin stayed at the house. She, Jason and Cindy ( my brother's girlfriend) kept him busy. He had so much to get used to from learning how to text, setting up e mail account, dealing with the drastic decline in our father's health since the last time he was home. I think dad was the hardest for him. Everything I had already accepted Jason was getting a crash course in.

Jason did great when he got home. He got a full time job driving a fork lift. He was clean and sober, attending regular NA meetings. He came home every night and helped take care of dad. A couple weeks after Jason got home dad got very sick. We had to take him to the hospital where he was admitted. Jason got a hard crash course in ill dad 101. He stayed up at the hospital all night every night until he got his job. Then he was there as long as he could be until dad would boot him from the room. Dad ended up in ICU that trip but got better, kind of. They eventually sent dad home and Jason became his physical therapist. Every night it was exercises and then walking. Dad was getting stronger. Jason's next court date was looming closer. The closer the date got the more pensive Jason became. I tried to give him hope. It would be crazy to send him to prison now.

Dad got sick again about a week before Jason was due in court. He had a heart attack. They wanted to make sure he was stable before they did a cath to check the damage. Dad was not bouncing back the way he always did. They eventually scheduled the cath for the same day as Jason's court date. This was not good. It meant mom would be with dad and i would be responsible for Jason. Not that I thought he was going to run or anything.

The night before Jason and I went to the hospital. We sat there a long time just the four of us. When it was time for Jason and I to leave he leaned over and spoke to my dad so neither myself or my mother could hear. Jason was saying good bye and not just for the night.

The next morning we proceeded to get dressed and start downtown. I had been so hopeful since he got out that they would not send him back, but I could not escape the lump of lead that had taken place in my stomach. I was nauseated. I did stop to get Jason some breakfast. Something told me he needed to eat, it could be a while before his next meal. We got to the courthouse and walked in together. Side by side. Several people had shown up to offer us their support. I was so glad to see them. The lawyer seemed confident things would go well. Jason went up front and I sat in the galley and we waited for the judge to begin. Turns out they never assigned a prosecutor for the case. They picked on up out of the hallway, and he had to go over the case before we could start. It was nerve wrecking. All this waiting.

When things finally got underway, the dread I had tried to push away was back. The prosecutor wanted the probation revoked and Jason sent to prison for the rest of his sentence. The judge made a nice long speech. The longer she spoke the more I did not want to listen. In the end everything Jason had done right- never in trouble while in Florida, all the certificates, all the letters sent in, taking care of my dad, a full time job, staying clean and going to NA meetings, offering to pay back the money he owed for restitution- did not matter to her. She sent him back to prison. " Sometimes it is not about rehabilitation. Sometimes it is about punishment."

As the bailiff stalked over to handcuff Jason, Cindy lost in moaning and running from the courtroom. I was stunned. I could not believe this was really happening. I could feel my eyes well up with tears. It felt like I was trying to breathe through a thick cotton blanket, my lungs burning. My entire body burning with intense hatred, shaking from anger. This was not right. About this time I started to open my mouth to shout the words I could not keep from coming and Robin was standing in front of me. She pulled my head into her stomach as the words come tumbling out. " The fucking cunt just sent my baby brother back. I hope she chokes on her vomit and dies." I pulled away and went to take my brothers belongings from Roy then made a bee line for the door. I was sick inside. Devastated. Now I was going to have to tell my mother that I was not bringing her baby back with me. Again I failed. I told my dad I would bring him back.

Waiting

2010-06-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last post. It is now June and summer is upon us. I know I left my story about Marc a cliff hanger. I will get back to it eventually. So much has happened since I last posted. My little brother was brought back to Kentucky on Feb 20. A couple of retired State Troopers went to Florida to get him. They did not arrive until late Friday night and Jason's arriagnment was not scheduled until Monday morning. It was a long weekend. One of the longest I have ever had.

Monday morning my mom, dad and I got up and got dressed to face the day at the courthouse. We had one of my best friends with us as well as one of my cousin's. My mom was a basket case ranting at the smallest things. My dad had grown very quiet. We were under the impression that there would be a lawyer there for Jason. We went early to try and get through the paperwork beforehand. My parents were going to use the house as a bond to get my brother out. We had to park 2 blocks from the courthouse and I pushed my dad in the wheelchair. He was not able to walk the distance. When we got there we were told that the property bond could not be done until Jason had been before the judge. We had to wait. As we waited it became apparent that the lawyer we thought was going to be there did not know he was supposed to be there. He also wanted a nice sum of money for his services. Money my parents did not have right at the moment. MY mother went crazy!!!! She was unconsolable at this point. She refused to answer the man's call and I had to do it. My cousin spoke with her husband and they offered to loan my mom and dad the money for the lawyer since my mom would be able to pay them back in a few weeks. We had the lawyer settled and he was on his way.

Now we waited for the lawyer, the arraignment, Jason. They brought him into the courtroom to stand before the judge. The same judge that had given him probation 9 years ago. She was not thrilled to see him. They had no prosecutor for the case. They could not even find his "jacket" to let them know what he had done or where he had been. Jason's lawyer talked the judge into giving him a property bond, but not before she lectured my parents, trying to talk them out of it. She wanted to give a full cash bond. Now it was a reace to get Jason's paperwork done downtown and then a race to Shepherdsville to get paperwork done there. We cut it very very close. I pulled into the parking lot in Shepherdsville at ten to 4. They closed at 4. My dad yelled at me 4 times in the car to slow down on the way. Each time he would turn his head I would inch back down on the acclerator. YEAH we made it. Now we had to wait for the paperwork to go through so he would get released.

I dropped my parents and Rob off at our home. She had come to the court house in downtown for support. Then me, my cousin, my friend and my brothers girlfriend drove back to downtown and waited for Jason to be released. We waited and waited and waited. We waited about 4-5 hours before he finally emerged from the double doors. I had called dibs on first hug. I am his sister. As I was hugging him I was recalling the words of a guy who had been released before Jason and had said how lucky Jason was to have a car full of women come and get him. I think Jason thought he was lucky just to be out. It was the first time he had been in the world in eight and a half years. We had another court date set for April 16, but right now we were living in the moment. I took my brother home, At last he was home.

Guilty and Scared

2010-02-02T15:18:00.000-08:00

My guilt had mounted. I was growing apart from one of my best friends and the other 3 thought I had lost my mind. Looking at it now, I think I had lost my mind. I stayed with Marc. He continued not to work and I continued to support him and all of his bad habits. Yes he had many. He loved to shop. He would go out and buy 200$ shoes and I would be worrying how I was going to pay the house payment. He would strut around town in GQ fashion and I would not even buy myself a t shirt from Wal Mart. The biggest problem was not the excessive shopping but the drugs. I issued ultimatums stop the cocaine. He would stop using that but moved on to something else. When I would figure out what his drug of the week was I would issue another ultimatum. I knew in my gut he was an addict, but every time he said he needed me , he had no one else who cared, I gave him another chance. A chance to change.

I had always felt guilty for not doing more for my brother. I knew when he was out of control and I made pathetic half hearted attempts to get him straight. Then I just ignored it. Pushed it from my head like it was not even happening. I was the big sister. I was supposed to protect him and watch out for him, and I didn't. Marc was going to be different in my eyes. I was going to do everything I could, be everything I could and give all I could to try and alleviate my own guilt at Jason's downfall. did I also mention Marc had serious mental health issues. He was manic depressive, possible schizophrenic, definitely personality disorder. He told me about his childhood abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional. He had many scars inside and out. I am not sure how much of it was true, but something or someone really fucked this guy up.

Marc used my guilt to keep me with him. He knew just what to say to pull me back in. We were having a particularly bad week. He was restless. I was weaning him off his current drug. Withdrawl symptoms were there. He wanted to go out. He was over the worst of the withdrawal so I agreed . He was going to go to a friends house close to my parents. While he was there I would hang out with mom and dad. He threw a fit when I went to the drivers side of my SUV. I gave in, it was not worth the hassle and let him drive. He ranted all the way down Preston Hwy from Shepherdsville. Eleven miles of 2 lane road. We had just passed the turn to my old high school. I was ignoring his rant. Then he pulled out the gun. He was screaming and crying, waving the gun in the air, while pushing down on the accelerator. The truck jumped to 60 miles per hour and he jammed the gun in his mouth. He was almost inaudible over the barrel. I could hardly make out what he was saying. I have never been so scared in my life. There was no way I would be able to control the truck if he pulled the trigger. We would both die or He would die and i would be seriously injured.

Then my psych training kicked in. I very calmly talked to him. I gave him the reassurance he needed. I let him him talk without escalating. I brought him down and talked him into handing me the gun. My hands were shaking so bad I was afraid I would accidentally hit the trigger. I found the safety and made sure it was on. Marc pulled over to the side of the road and we switched seats. I drove him the rest of the way. That night I stayed at my parents house. I told Marc that my mom needed my help with my father. I told my parents I was afraid of him. I wanted to leave him but I was scared.

The next night my mom told him to come get his things from the car. She told him that her and my father had to hospitalize me. They told him I had a nervous breakdown and was in a locked unit and no one could see me right now. I had no phone and could make no phone calls. I was really hiding in the den bathroom. In the tub , with the shower curtain pulled. He got his things and stayed perfectly nice to my parents and left. He made call after call to my cell phone . Left lovey messages like he did when we first started dating. I stayed with my parents for over 2 weeks. Afraid to go home.

Today and Continue the Insanity

2010-02-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

I started a new job today. I will be working with a home health company as a visiting nurse. I have done the job before with another agency several years ago. It is amazing how much comes back to you. It is like my brain did not delete the information just filed it away knowing I might have need of it again. It is the beginning of February. I have been looking forward to this month for the last eight and a half years. Jason gets to come home, or so I thought. After waiting so long we find out a mere 2 weeks before we leave to get him that Kentucky plans on picking him up and we have to wait. Needless to say I am very disappointed. Hope and pray that the does not have to do too much time here for his violation. We really could use him home.

I left off my story with us keeping Marc's daughter and my move into my home. I am going to give a brief overview until my next episode. Marc and I lived together in my home. He did not work and I did. He would drop me off in the morning and come get me when it was time to go home. He was getting restless. He said he wanted a job, but had to get his child support issues taken care of before he could work. I took and several thousand dollar cash advance out on one of my credit cards to cover the attorney fees. Well that is what it was supposed to go for. Wrong again. Somehow the money disappeared. He said it went for this or that, but never for the lawyer. I was sick. I had never been this far in debt and could not afford the monthly payment. I become very depressed, unable to sleep, not eating right, irritable, weepy and always sick. My parents noticed. My friends noticed.

I went as far as to ask Jill for a loan. She loaned everyone else money. I had done as much for her as most of them probably more than most. I had Beth come with me to witness. Swallowing my pride was not something I did easily. Jill did not make it any better. I sat in her kitchen and told her of my plight. Beth sat listening quietly. I have never been so mortified, having to ask my friend for money. Jill at first refused to help me. She did not like Marc at all and had no problems voicing it. I was hurt that she would help everyone but me, when I was the one who talked my family into taking her and the kids in after they had been injured and left homeless. I was the one who bought the kids coats and shoes when she came home after her divorce. I was the one who got up early every morning before work and came home every night to care for her when she couldn't do it for herself. I left the kitchen to use the restroom.

When I came back Jill had changed her tune. She said she had thought about it and she would lend me the money, but their were stipulations. The stipulation was I would break off my relationship with Marc and have nothing else to do with him. EVER. This just pissed me off. Now I was hurt and pissed. She would lend money to anybody, but she wanted to control who I spent my time with? Not even my parents went there. I pretty much told her thanks anyway but I don't need it that bad. For me at the time it was like anyone else saying FUCK YOU!!! I left Jill's home with Beth, still miserable and not knowing what I was going to do. Mine and Jill's relationship was never the same. We started growing apart even though neither one of us would admit it. It took some time and reflection for me to see what might have happened when I left the table for the restroom. Jill had refused me and I left her alone with my champion, my best friend who always stood by me, Beth. I still wonder what Beth said to her to make Jill change her tune in a matter of a couple minutes. What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall.

I continued to get more depressed, but not my worst. What was I going to do? Marc continued to spend my money like it grew on a tree in the front yard. I continued to try and save him. My dad came over one Saturday to fix my bed. It was just the two of us. We were talking and then he slipped in the question. " What's going on ?" " Something is wrong." I broke down in tears, the only way you can with someone you know that has always been there. I told him about the debt but not how I got it. He told me he would take care of it. He went home later that evening and talked to my mom. One week later the bill was paid off and my guilt mounted. You would have thought after this I would have learned. Nope. I was on a mission to save the unsavagable, I just did not know it was a suicide mission.

Continuing the Story

2010-01-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

Hey. It has been a few days since my last post. I would love to say I am busy, but I can't. I have been getting conflicting information on my brother. I was told over the weekend that Kentucky was going to go get him from Florida. Bummer. Actually now we do not know. He signed extradition papers, but apparently they have any inmate with charges in another state sign them. He has not signed transportation papers for Kentucky to actually transport him back. As of right now we do not know if we need to get him or if Kentucky will show up to get him. I wish they would get their ducks in a row. The unorganized way they do things drive me crazy!!!!

I left off my story with Marc and my interesting evening at the Redneck Bar. As the weeks went by I did not hear back from him. He was no longer living in the same place so the number I had for him was a no go. At first I was pissed. He just disappeared. Then I started to move on, going back to the old ways. Dangerous dating. Four weeks later I get a phone call on my cell while I am at work. It is him. He had moved to Lexington to live with some friends. He had gotten laid off, so he said, and had to leave. He apologized and we talked for a few minutes. He called again later that night to chat. Over the work week we talked everyday and he really wanted to see me over the coming weekend. I drove to Lexington to pick him up. We went out and spent the weekend together. It was great. He was sweet and charming. He said everything I needed to hear. Things that the person in my last relationship never said to me. He treated me like I was a queen and he was the very lucky lottery winner. I felt like I had won the lottery. We continued in this fashion for about a month. He wanted to come back to Louisville but had no place to stay. I was still living with my parents, but the patio home I was having built would be done by the end of April. It was March. I helped him move back to Louisville and rented a place at an Intown Suite.
It was like we were playing house. I was having a blast.

While we stayed at the suite he contacted his ex and they arranged a time for him to get his daughter. She was 3 and so cute. I had met her once before. She was to stay just the one weekend with us and then go back to her mother. Jennifer dropped her off to us in a McDonald's parking lot on Friday night and we played happy family for the weekend. Sunday came and no call from Jennifer. She wasn't answering her phone or returning calls. Monday came and still nothing. Tuesday nothing. Wednesday nothing. Thursday nothing. Friday nothing. Saturday and Sunday nothing. I could not fathom any mother leaving her child for over a week and not trying to contact her or coming to get her. She left her with a change of clothes and two pairs of socks. We went shopping for clothes and toys to keep her entertained. I had no idea if she was coming back ever. The next Wednesday she called and arranged for us to drop the baby off to her at the same McDonald's. When we arrived the little girl clinged to Marc and Jennifer had to physically pull the crying child off of him. I watched the exchange feeling so sorry for the little girl. Then I looked at Jennifer. Her eyes were sunken in and bloodshot. Her pupils dilated and she was extremely jerky. I had seen this before. She was high. By the looks of it very high. Marc had warned me she was addicted to meth but when I first saw her, when we picked the girl up, she was not high. Now I understood how and why we did not get a call for a week and a half. I did not want to see that little girl ride away in an SUV with a mother that forgot she existed and one that was so stoned she could not control her body. I worried.

The night we dropped the little girl off, I got my first glimpse of the depression and darkness in Marc's head. His facade slipped. He became dejected and would hardly speak to me. His eyes were cold and remote, almost cruel . It was like he was another person. I chalked it off to his having to hand over his daughter knowing the situation he had to put her in. I would probably be angry too. Little did I know that my reasoning was not right. This was just a side of his personality he had hidden until I was hooked. He knew I would not walk away from him . He was right. I stayed. I should have run.

I did not forget

2010-01-19T10:21:00.001-08:00

It has been a few days since my last post. I did not forget I just did not know how to proceed with the rest of the story. I have been spending some quality time with my best friend over the last couple weeks. We have been talking more than we have in quite some time. It is almost like when we were younger. The conversation just flows, naturally. Topics are still the same. Work, family, men. Occasionally we will throw in politics or whatever the big news of the day may be. It is really nice to have that back. I have missed it over the last few months. As I was saying, I am still not sure exactly how to continue my tale, so I am just going to wing it.

I left off with the morning after with Marc. I will start out with some information about our relationship in general. After that first day I had an on again, off again relationship for 3 years with the man. If you were around at the time and happened to be close to me, you know why it was on again and off again. If you were not, then after reading the next few blogs you will understand. Marc started off the relationship being everything I was looking for at the time. Dangerous, Mysterious, Sexy and Sweet. Yes for those with their mouths gaping. He was very sweet to me. It was not something he showed to the rest of the world. Also, it helped reel me in to his web. After some time the dark side, beyond the little bit of dangerous/mysteriousness, emerged. A really dark side. I don't know if even I understood all of it. He never raised his hand to me, but the emotional abuse was probably worse with someone like me. He did not call me names or make me feel bad about myself on a daily basis. The name calling was when he lost his temper. He used his best weapon against me. GUILT. I tend to be a very caring and empathetic person. He preyed on my good nature to feel guilt to get his way. He also used fear. Like I said he never raised his hands to me, but ...... you will understand after some of my next few posts. I am going to hit on a few of the most monumental of those times. I am going to start off with a more happy time. Well it was for me.

I thought I was getting what I wanted. Someone totally not like Brian. I picked him up one Saturday night, soon after we had met, and then picked Beth up. We had decided to party at The Redneck Bar. I was thrilled. When we arrived , Beth and I were greeted at the door as usual, our many friends giving us hugs and big smiles. Especially our favorite DJ. I had never seen J, the DJ, go from smiling and jovial to looking sick in a matter of seconds. I noticed, my nurse training kicking in, and wondered why he was upset. It did not take long to figure out because J's eyes were focused on Marc walking behind me with his hand on the small of my back. If looks could kill I think Marc would have been a dead man. I tried not to think about it because I did not want to know why the fact that I was with Marc would upset J so much. I pushed on through and made my way to the bar. I bought myself a soda, Marc and Beth a beer , and hunkered down in my usual spot at my usual table.

We had spent half the night talking, laughing, singing and mingling with our weekend friends. By we I do mean all of us. I was standing at the DJ booth chatting with J. Beth was talking to the bartender and Marc was in the back of the room mingling with some guys playing pool. J then got a very serious look on his face. Usually he did not get too serious. I was curious. He leaned over and so only I would be able to hear began to talk. " Jenny, you do not need to get messed up with that guy. He is bad news." J was warning me off Marc. Part of me wondered why, he had never warned me away from anyone before. Actually I had never seen or heard of him warning anyone like this before. I brushed it off , keeping things light. " J, I am not really involved with him. We are friends. Friends with benefits. I don't want to marry him, I just want to fuck him. " J's eye got very round and he gave a nervous chuckle. Not words you would have expected to hear out of my mouth. I think I shocked him. By that time Marc had made his way back to the front and J did not say anymore. I made my way back to the table and let the night continue to unfold.

It was bit later that night. Beth and I were at the table chatting and looking for songs to sing. when Marc come up excited and smiling hugely. " I just made 700 dollars." Both mine and Beth's eye got big as we watched him dance away. Then we turned and looked at each other. Beth said to me, " Jen , you do know that's 5-10 if you get caught." I could read the the look on her face because the one on mine mirrored it. He was selling drugs in the bar. I knew he had used the first night and thought it was just a once in a while , special occasion kind of thing. Now here I was with a guy who went against everything I believed in. My brain said run. My heart said find out more. Maybe you will finally understand your brother. I turned my brain off and listened with my heart. We were still looking for songs when Marc returned. He came over to me with the straightest face and said, " Hey, babe. Can I put my gun in your car? J says I can't have it while I am in here." The blood drained from my face but I pasted on one of my most charming fake smiles. " Um, sure." Was my response as I handed him the keys to unlock my truck.

Beth was horror struck. There is no other way to put it. She leaned over more frantic than before and said , " You just went to 10-20. Do not make me start reciting penile codes! What are you doing?!!!!" I had no response beyond, " Yeah, I know." I was numb. It was like I had turned off my brain completely. I could not think about it. It just would not compute. I had to find out. I had to know. Here was my chance to find out what was so appealing about this life, this lifestyle my brother lived and breathed. The one I could not save him from. I had to know. The rest of the night was uneventful. I dropped Marc and Beth off at their homes and went home alone. It was this night I opened myself up to the world I always wished would not have existed.

Party ! A Day Late

2010-01-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

I spent some time today with "Beth". We went out to lunch and to use my Christmas present. Tickets to the Titanic exhibit. Our Museum of Science is hosting the exhibit temporarily. I had seen the exhibit twice in Chicago when I was dating Brain. Beth went with me once to that one. Since Louisville is a smaller city I knew the exhibition would be smaller. It was nice, not anywhere near as grand as the one in Chicago. I was somewhat disappointed with the gift shop . There was a whole gift shop that sold Titanic merchandise in Chicago. Our gift shop had 3 shelves maybe 3 feet long per shelf. Not much space, not much to put on the shelves. I did pick up a couple things very reasonably priced. We spent a lot of time today chatting about my past. That brings me up to the day in the past that changed everything. New Year's Day 2005.

I had spent New Year's Eve with my friends at Beth's apartment. We played games and watched the ball drop in Times Square. A good time was had by all. The next night Beth and I decided to hit our spot. The Redneck Bar. Deep down I was hoping to see HIM. It had been a couple of weeks. I was the driver again by choice. As we entered I heard the chorus of our names. Then I was passed from person to person for hugs and wishes of a good New Year. I was drowning in the scent of cologne. Everyone wearing something different. I was not paying a lot of attention while being turned, hugged and passed to the next set of arms. I stopped dead in my tracks when I almost landed straight into His arms. I had made it through my waiting crowd and he was on the fringe. All I could do was stare. His face split into a mischievous grin when he spoke to me. "Hey, How's it going?" I almost swallowed my tongue. If it had not been glued to the roof of my mouth I might have done it. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and knew I was blushing bright red. A barely audible "good" is all I could manage before I was pulled back to reality by another friend vying for my attention. I stumbled away to my usual table.

Tonight was different. Very different. Yes we had been in the bar together before but he had never spoken to me. Also he had always been accompanied by a woman, I assumed was his wife or girlfriend. Tonight she was no where to be seen. Interesting, very very interesting. Most of the night I spent mingling, singing and trying not to stare too much. Beth was up singing a song when I looked to my side and there he sat. Same smile on those lips. I took a deep breath and kept my cool. Just my luck. He was asking me about Beth. He wanted to know if she was married or had a significant other. It was really no big surprise. Most guys preferred Beth to me anyway. She was lively and vivacious, full of life and fun. I was more quiet and reserved, self conscious. I did take some pleasure in letting him know she was married and he had no chance. Hee hee hee my little devil rejoiced. He did not seem to upset with the news just switched gears and asked about my availability. I informed him I was not seeing anyone at the moment. He just smiled and got up to sing his song. Beth had finished and he had been called up by the DJ. At the time I was kind of bummed. Ok I was really bummed. Another guy who preferred one of my friends over me. It happened a lot with Jill, sometimes Beth, occasionally Lynn. I decided that was ok. I could still look.

A little later in the night I was sitting toward the end of the table by myself while Beth was chatting with the DJ. He came strolling back over. Sat down next to me with his Coronoa in hand and looked in the direction I had just been staring. He finally introduced himself. I will call him Marc, since it was one of his favorite alias. I introduced myself and he started asking the basic questions. How long have you been coming here? What do you do for a living? Do you live around here? How old are you? Any kids? We were both chatting away when a woman walked by. She was not a regular there. She was dressed more for prostitution than clubbing. Her short black miniskirt barely covered her ass and the abdomen revealing halter top left no doubt she was not wearing a bra. Fishnet stockings and 3 inch stilettos finished the outfit. I would not have taken such notice of her except one of the very drunk patrons at the bar propositioned her. Twenty bucks for a blow job in his car. It was the look on her over made up face that made me remember. She was offended. She was so offended she reached back and smacked the guy across the face letting him and anyone in the vicinity know she was not a whore. She was not easy and would not be having sex with anyone tonight , thank you very much.

I crossed my fingers hoping a fight would not break out. It didn't. Both Marc and I had seen the exchange and I could not contain the laughter. He was soon laughing with me. Then we got into a discussion not knowing where it was going to lead me . I wondered out loud., " Why do women who dress like that get so offended when they get propositioned in a place like this? Yes she has a right to dress however she wants, but if you wear an outfit screaming sex why would you act like a virgin schoolgirl when someone says something. You are in a bar." Marc agreed with me and expounded upon it with, " Yeah, so many people can be prudish about sex these days." I was getting bolder by the minute because I really did not think he was interested in me. He was fast becoming another one of my bar friends. I was comfortable and became myself, out of my shell and responded with, " I know exactly what you mean. Everyone has sex. Most people enjoy it. Why would you act like you don't. I know I do. I like sex. Hell, I like it all ,oral as well. I have no problem saying I like to give head." By this point he was laughing so hard he was crying but shaking his head in agreement. He responded with' Yeah I like sex too, and I like to eat pussy." I do not know if I was just overly tired or had really turned off my radar because I just kept going. " See, see what I mean. Everyone likes it." was my response. Marc then got a very thoughtful look on his face and I wondered what a drunk guy could be thinking so hard about at almost 3 in the morning. So I asked. He started to say something then stopped. "What? What were you going to say?" I had to know. He gave a half smile and said he couldn't , he really did not want to offend me now. Now I had to know. I pressed the issue. He looked me dead in the eye. His face as serious as a judge and spoke the words, " Would you let me eat you?" MY heart stopped.

I was so not expecting that. For a minute I could not say anything at all. I know my eyes had to have gotten huge and my mouth had fallen open in shock ,because he got a regretful look on his face and started to apologize for offending me. I came into my head and quickly reassured him that I was not offended , not at all. He didn't look like he believed me so I answered his question. " Yes, yes I would let you." His eyes smoldered with the one word from his lips, "Tonight?" It was what I wanted. I went for it. " Yes , tonight." We agreed that I would go back to his place with him after I dropped Beth at home that night. He asked me to dance and we swayed close together on the dance floor. I was not paying attention to anyone but him, the sound of his voice as he sang in my ear, his scent that was filling my head and scrambling my senses. He kissed me on the dance floor and I knew it was right. The Earth moved.

I told Beth what I was going to do after I dropped her off. The way I had been acting lately I don't think I surprised her, although she did look concerned. The night wore on and we closed the bar down. I dropped Beth at her apartment and made the trip back to Marc's place. On the way he told me about his ex girl friend, the one I had seen him with. Then he asked if I had ever been in love. Odd question to bring up right before sleeping with someone, but I was honest. I told him about Brain. He proceeded to tell me about Jennifer. We had the same name. She was not his most recent ex ,but his ex fiancee. I understood where he was. He understood where I was. Great. We pulled into the drive of the house he was spending the night at. No one was home. He led me into the kitchen and played host, offering me something to drink or eat. I declined. I was looking around and not paying a lot of attention to what he was doing. When I returned my attention to him he was leaning over a small glass mirror on the counter cutting something up with a razor. On further inspection I knew what he was cutting. Cocaine. I had never seen anyone cut a line of cocaine before. Only in the movies ,never in person. I had seen the drug from patients personal belongings in the hospital, but it was always in a baggie. I was staring. He looked up , smiled and offered me a line. I declined, telling him I was randomly drug tested at work and could loose my nursing license if I tested positive. He was satisfied with the response and did not push. He did his line with a rolled up dollar bill, just like in the movies. My brain was just not processing what I was seeing. I was anti-drug, I had a brother in prison due to drugs and despised them. It still was not computing in my brain. He took my hand and led me back to the bedroom.

I think he could tell something was not right. I am sure he assumed it was nerves. It was really me trying to figure out if I was going to stay or go after what I had seen in the kitchen. Then I decided. I am not marrying the guy , I am just sleeping with him. I wanted a bad boy, someone a little dangerous, someone as far away from straight laced Brian as I could get. Well here he was staring me in the face, wanting me as much as I wanted him. Marc put in a movie and we were laying on the bed snuggled together watching the beginning. He leaned down and kissed me again and that was all it took. Things were starting to get pretty heated when my cell phone went off. The first thought in my head was Beth. It had to be her calling me at four in the morning. I had just dropped her off a little while ago. He stayed snuggled next to me, kissing my neck when I reached for the phone. I did not even look at the caller ID. I just answered with a breathless, "Hello." It wasn't Beth. The blood that had been running hot in my veins turned to ice. It was Brian. Beth and I had called him earlier in the night to chat and he was returning the call thinking we may still be together. Marc stopped kissing me the second he heard the other man's name and a look of surprise crossed his face. I told Brain that I had already dropped Beth off and we were no longer together. Usually we would have chatted for a few but I was in a bit of a hurry to get off the phone. Brian figured out I was kind of busy and I think he was as anxious to end the call as I was. How awkward is that, making out with a man when you ex calls to chat. Oops.

Marc was very gracious after I got off the phone. He asked if I was ok and if I wanted to leave. Why would I want to leave? Brain was in Chicago and we were ancient history and I had Mr Sexy right here. Hell no I did not want to leave. I told him as much. We continued where we had left off. I am not going to get into the actual action, but lets say he made good on his request from earlier in the night, plus some. More than once. He held me next to him through the rest of the night, occasionally waking me with a kiss or a touch for a repeat performance. Later that day we made plans to meet that night. I left him at the door with a kiss. Flying high.

Today I wonder about the encounter. I have no doubt if Beth had been single he would have been over there trying to get her to turn his way. I am not sure she would have but he would have tried harder than he did. Now, something tells me, he was never really interested in Beth beyond a good time. I was his Mark. Every con artist scopes the lay of the land before making a move. I honestly think he knew Beth was married before he ever asked me. I also now believe he knew I was single and had taken the break up with Brian very hard. Anyone who knew us in the bar could have told him about us. My guess is he had already asked around. I thought I had him in my sights, but I was really in his. We were just not playing the same game.

First Sight

2010-01-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

Something had to give. Boy, when I said that I was hoping for a little bend , I did not know I was getting ready to snap it in half. It was December 2004. "Beth" and I decided to go out to our favorite weekend hang out. The Redneck Bar. I was usually the designated driver on our outings, by choice. I also loved watching Beth let her hair down and be herself. We always had a great time. Our favorite DJ was working that night. Beth and I were regulars and we knew most of the employees there by name. Heck the DJ had been known to give us a call on nights it was slow and try and talk us into coming up to liven up his night. Whenever we walked in the place a chorus of our names was heard and we were both greeting with smiles and hugs from half the people in the place. It was comfortable. It was fun. I had been becoming more and more unhappy with how I was behaving with the opposite sex. I had kept from "dating" anyone from my favorite hang out at this time. Beth had made her way to the bar and I had noticed that there were people sitting in our usual spot. I switched tables and started people watching. My eyes fell on my usual spot and I started watching the group that had planted themselves there. That was the first time I had saw him.

I could not drag my eyes away. He wasn't beautiful, he wasn't classically handsome, but there was something about him I could not turn away from. He looked wild, dangerous, and totally yummy. He was dressed impeccably in slacks, a long sleeved button down shirt and shiny black dress shoes. He stood about 5 ft 10 and had the tan of someone who is out in the sun a lot. His short coal black hair was gelled into a disarray. It was like he had taken his hands and run them through his hair leaving it sticking about every which way, like a rock star. He was laughing and having the time of his life it seemed. My interest was more than piqued. Beth caught me staring. She kept nudging me to get me to quit. The guy was there with another woman. His girlfriend by all appearances. I did not want to get into a confrontation with some female marking her territory. I tried to keep my eyes up front, where the DJ was busy calling people up for karaoke. He called a name and up walked Mr. Dangerous himself. He had put himself in the spotlight so I could look all I wanted while he stood up to sing his song. I wasn't expecting much. Most people who get up to sing karaoke are not very good. He was going to try and sing one of my favorite songs. " Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi.

I braced myself for the slaughter of another innocent song. The music began and his deep gravely voice sent shivers down my arms. I sat there , slack jawed, in awe. He could sing. He could sing well. The more difficult the song became the more he got into it. I was mesmerized, hooked. I think even Beth was a bit shocked. After he had finished, everyone gave him a loud round of applause. Some of the patrons were even going over to talk to him , to request he sing another. I knew what I wanted to hear. I just could not get out of my seat to ask him to sing it. I spoke very quietly to Beth. She had already had a few drinks and was not as reserved as myself. I was sober. She did it for me. She went over and asked him if he would sing the song I wanted to hear. I could not believe it when he agreed. His girlfriend did not look very happy . Beth came back to our table with the news that he had agreed to sing it and I was on cloud nine. I could not wait. Eventually the DJ called his name and he took the floor and the microphone again. The familiar music that started the song sent my pulse into the same beat.

I know , I know. What was the song I so wanted to hear? With his voice it had to be "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. For those of you who are going, What song is that?, you would not be alone. Many people do not know that is the title of the song they have heard over and over. They tend to know it by the refrain, " I wanna fuck you like and animal. I wanna feel you from the inside." I could go on but by this point I am sure you know the song. It was a telling kind of song considering that is exactly what I so wanted to do. No one had ever brought on such a quick , mind numbing lust with just a look or the sound of his voice. It was like I had been put under his spell. All I know is I wanted him and I wanted him bad.

I made do that night with listening him sing the words I wanted to hear, the words I wanted to say. I did not make a move. I didn't "date" guys from my bar and I did not "date " men who were already spoken for. I learned that one the hard way. I also did not want to mess up my party spot with possible awkward meetings after the fact. I could not get him out of my head though. I dropped Beth off that night and went home alone. I saw him once more at the Redneck Bar, with the same woman. I continued to cast sly glances his direction and stare openly when he got up to sing. I did not speak to him. I just watched. Little did I know with the coming New Year all that would change.

Umm I lost count

2010-01-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

I decided to start blogging again to sort through some things in my past. I wanted to try and look back. Trying to see where I went wrong, what went right and what should never have happened at all. I started back when I felt as if I had been stuck in a rut and the person I presented to the world was really not the me inside. I wanted to be bold and daring not a doormat. I left off with the end of my relationship with "Brian".

I had settled into the grief of my dead dreams and was pretty much wallowing. Nothing my friends or family said made it any better. Jill recommended going right out and finding another man to spend the night with. Someone to distract me and make me forget. I was not like her. Men were not interchangeable to me. My other friend Lynn was seeing this guy and they were staying at Jill's house while she was gone. Lynn invited me over since I lived just down the road. Her boyfriend had invited his cousin as well. For a while it was the four of us hanging out and watching television. That was until Lynn and her man went to the bedroom. I really did not want to think what was happening back there and tried to focus on conversing with the guy's cousin. We will call him "Ted". Ted and I were in the living room for quite some time. We ended up on the couch together kissing. He was not the best kisser I had ever encountered but it would do for my damaged heart. I had felt unlovable and unwanted and here was someone who wanted me. Maybe I wasn't so unwantable after all. When Lynn and her man resurfaced, Ted and I took their place. It did not last long. Looking back I would have to say it was one of the worst sexual experiences I have ever had. He had no clue. It may have been the worst, but it was also a catalyst. It made me open my eyes. Just because one did not want me did not mean that no one did. I set my brain to try and think like Jill. Men could be interchangeable. Why should I continue to let them use me and hurt me. It was my turn. I could play the game. At least that is what I kept telling myself.

I saw Ted once after that night and I was not going to go there. Actually if I am not mistaken he seemed quite interested in Lynn. That was odd since she was still seeing his cousin. It did not stop me. I was on a mission. I had never been good at picking men up, or even where to look for available specimens. The only thing I could think of was the internet. I had always thought meeting men online was dangerous and a little crazy. Why not???? It was quite shocking at the sheer number of men looking for a woman online. I had to start somewhere. I started with a man from Lexington. That was good. He did not live near me so if I did not want anything else to do with him then I would not have to worry about bumping into him at the local store. We went out on a date to a chain Italian restaurant and I brought him back to my home. My parents had left town for the night so I had the place to myself. I chickened out. We were on the couch kissing and making out but I could not go the whole way. I told him my family was due back soon and he left with promises to call. I felt like such a coward. This is not the new me, I continued to repeat. I am bold, I am fearless, men are interchangeable. I set back to work.

Over the next few months I had some very interesting dates. A few I left at the meeting place without a glance back because I would not have sex with them if my life had depended on it. Some of the others made it to necking, some progressed to oral sex and there were a few that I did have sex with. I even gave a middle aged married man a go. Afterward the guilt of what I had done was crippling. I could not be responsible for coming between a husband and wife. I was not that kind of girl. Yes he was seeking me out, but I had too much respect for the sanctity of marriage. I called him and told him I could not see him anymore. He tried to talk me out of it, but I just couldn't. The there was the guy that to this day remains a mystery.

I was home from work and my parents had left town again. I was alone. I got online looking for someone to brighten my day. It was a fantasy. Sex with a stranger. No names, no faces, just sex. I was intrigued. He was a firefighter and had posted a picture but his face was blurry. I also had a picture on my site. He was tall and muscular, tanned and well proportioned. I was very interested. It was set. He would come to my home. I left the door unlocked and had given directions to my bedroom. I was face down on the bed in nothing but a red satin robe. I knew when he arrived. I could hear the car. The sound of the front door opening sent my heart beating so fast I thought it would come out of my chest. As the footsteps down the hall became clearer , I was taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. He was next to me. I felt his touch through the satin and about jumped off the bed. Calm, Calm, calm I continued to chant in my head. I felt the bed give with his weight and he was above me. He WAS tall and very muscular as he rested his body against mine. OH, my god. I could not believe I was really doing this. I wanted to see his face. I rolled over under his weight. As I did he dropped further down the bed. I could not see his face because he had buried it between my thighs. I lost all train of thought after that. After my climax I thought he was preparing himself for his release. I heard the car start. He was gone. He had come to my home and pleased me but did not stay for his own climax? Very strange. He called me back several times over the next few months. Our schedules never meshed for us to meet again. I can not believe I did that. He could have been a killer for all I knew. It was stupid, but it was an excellent orgasm.

I continued on in this fashion for a while. All the time my personal morals were screaming at me. You are not this kind of woman. This is not really you. Stop being stupid. Stop acting like Jill and be yourself. It was like the movies with the little angel and the little devil sitting on each shoulder. I was listening more to the little devil than I ever had. I found I was no longer in love with Brian, but felt no better about myself in the process. Actually, I felt worse about myself. It did not make sense. I went from feeling unwantable and unloved, to continue feeling that as well as heartless, trashy, stupid and a fake. What could I do to make it stop. The idea of being all alone again sent me into a panic. Something had to give.

A 2 Year Journey

2010-01-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

As I said in my previous post. I was off to Chicago to see Brian for the first time. I had it in my head it was just going to be a fling. One weekend. That wasn't too much to ask for. I would let my hair down and do something so out of my personal box. God I was nervous. I put on my poker face, the one I always like to use when I wanted everyone to think I had it all under control, and pushed the accelerator down. I made it to his apartment building in a little over 5 hours. The sun was starting to decline, only the way it does in the late afternoon. He was waiting in the parking lot for me. He took my bag and we made the walk back to his place chatting about my trip up.

The weekend was great for me. We stayed in most of the time : talking, laughing, some television, and yes there was sex as well. I will not get into all that. I will leave it with I was not left unsatisfied during the weekend. I also broadened my scope beyond the bedroom. It did rain most of the weekend putting a bit of a damper on my sightseeing of the city. I saw most of the landmarks from his old camero. I purchased everyone gifts from the local grocery store. Ooops, I guess they know now. Yes I even made the required phone calls to my parents and all of my friends. I left him on Sunday. Happy and Sad. I was happy it had all went so well. Sad that it was over and I would be going back to my good girl role. I really did like Brian despite the eleven year age difference. It never seemed to matter. I called him when I got home and was surprised at another marathon phone conversation. I had just left. Is this really how a fling goes? At that point I really did not care anymore. I just liked talking to the man. So I did.

Brian made the trip down to Louisville the next weekend. We stayed in a hotel close to my home. My parents were not ready to deal with having a man stay with me in their home. I was not ready for that either. I introduced him to my best friend Beth and in turn Beth and I introduced him to "The Redneck Bar". I tried to warn him before we went. I was sure he would feel funny being around some of the people there. Boy, was I wrong. He loved it!!! I did not know he like to sing karaoke as much as he did, and classic country music at that. It soon became one of our favorite places to hang out when he was in town. We switched off weekends until winter when he had to stay close to home for his job. I did most of the traveling then. I was blissfully happy and had fallen very much in love with Brian. The traveling was starting to get a bit old. I wanted us to at least be in the same city. I was very honest with Brian about what I wanted from life. The American Dream: husband, kids, job, stability and love. He in turn was honest with me. He always said he loved me but did not know if he would ever want the kind of life I did. I gave him time. In my mind it was all connected. If you love someone you want to be with them. Love turns to marriage and so on. I knew he had his own issues about relationships. I tried not to push. I guess I did not do a very good job. I saw the signs for months before it happened. I just did not want to see them. A fool in love will delude them self in believing everything is going to be ok. That's what I did until it was all taken away from me.

I had come up to Chicago for a long weekend. We were going to use the Cubs tickets I had given him for our 2 year anniversary. He seemed so distant and cold. Nothing I could say or do seemed to break through. I tried to pull a smile or see his eye warm , but nothing. It felt like I was standing on my tip toes reaching and reaching, but with each move the object just moves a little further away, out of your grasp. His sister was coming in that weekend as well. He left me alone in his apartment with the promise he would be gone shortly. He was meeting a Realtor about a condo. He was gone all day. I waited and waited, so worried that something might have happened to him. I knew it was getting close to the time he was to pick his sister up. The locked turned and he came through the door. Now I was angry. He had left me there, no word, no call, nothing all day and just strolls in without a care in the world. He tried to talk to me but I was so angry the tears had started and he shut down. He left me again to go get his sister. When Brain came back with her I tried to put on a happy face, my mask. I don't think I did a very good job. I had one last chance, I was going to do what I had to . That night I swallowed my pride and asked Brian to make love to me. I had never had to ask anyone that before and I was humiliated at his half hearted attempt. I faked it so it would stop and I could bury my head in the pillow, crying myself to sleep.

The next morning we got up. Dropped his sister off at the airport after a lunch at his favorite hot dog joint and went back to his apartment. He was even more distant than before. I packed my things and started to make my way to the car. I had a long ride home after a very long and emotionally wrenching weekend. He carried my bag as usual and stopped outside my door. Then the words I was dreading came to be. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I stood there. My mind had separated from my body and I did not want to believe it was happening. I heard the lines falling from his lips. It's not you it's me. You are one of the best people I have ever known. I am sorry. The nausea and pain increased with every word he spoke. I so did not want him to see me cry. Not now. I was wearing a necklace he had bought me and was trying to get it off while he spoke. The damn thing would not come off. I had to get it off. It felt like it was burning into my flesh the more he spoke. He helped get it off and I handed it to him to keep. I could not decipher the look on his face. Hurt? Regret? Confusion? He handed it back telling me he had bought it for me and it was mine. I threw it in my floorboard on the passenger side and said something. I don't remember the words I was so lost. All I know is that it was not nice or polite. How could I have screwed up so badly? What was wrong with me? How could a reasonable intelligent woman be unable to hold on to a relationship? He turned and walked away.

I stood there, unable to move, numb. I could not get my mind to wrap around what had just happened. I slipped into the drivers seat and went to put the keys into the ignition. My hands were shaking so bad it took three times before I could get the key into the proper place. The sound of the car starting ripped through the numbness and let in the pain. I felt like I was going to drown in it. The tears finally came. I don't know how long I sat there crying. I had lost all track of time. I knew I was going to have to drive home but I could not get the tears to stop. I had to get away from there. Maybe if I was home the unbearable pain would not be so bad, it would dim. I called Beth. I was crying so hard she could hardly understand what I was saying . She had never heard me in this state. I had never been in that state. I don't remember if I called Jill or not but somehow she found out and I remember she called Brian. That was even more embarrassing. I did not need my friends raking him over the coals. In my mind he obviously did not care, I was beyond reason. Beth talked me into stopping by her house when I got back to town. I must have broken every speed limit from Chicago to Louisville because I made it back in 4 hours. I cut 1 1/2 hours off my return trip. I stopped by Beth's house for a some comforting and a drink. I continued to cry. I went home and told my mom and dad what had happened. For a while my mom held me while I cried and then my dad took his turn. I went to bed and continued to cry. It felt like someone had taken part of me , I was not complete. What they left was just pain. Time went by. Brian had spoken to Jill and I was at the angry phase so I called him. I intended to give him a piece of my mind. What right did have talking to my friends? When I called the sound of his voice threatened to rip the hole in my heart back open. I listened. He did not want to loose me completely from his life. He hoped at some point that we could still be in contact just not romantically linked. I hung up the phone and thought about it. I decided that I would rather have him in my life as my friend, than to not have him in my life at all even thought I loved him still.

Over 5 years later. I am no longer the young woman Brian left. I am 32 years old and much wiser in the relationship department, thanks to Brian and a few others. Today, Brian and I are friends. I would say he is one of my best friends. We chat occasionally on the phone. He comes down for Derby every year and has also made a few other trips down. We usually find the time to hook up, for lunch or a trip to "The Redneck Bar" when he does make an appearance. I have even ventured up to Chicago once. Our friendship has survived our breakup as well as both of us moving on to other relationships. I still love Brian very much. I am no longer in love with Brian. HUGE difference. I also hope he knows if he happens to read this that no matter what we were always friends and always will be. If he ever needs anything I am just a call away.

Continued....

2010-01-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

OK Where did I leave off. Oh yeah. I had decided to go to Chicago with much prodding from Jill. I had set the time with Brian and now I had to tell everyone what I was doing. I just did not live in a world where I could disappear for a whole weekend and no one would notice. First I had to call Jill back and let her know that I was really going to go through with it. She was floored. She never thought I would actually do it. I don't think I have heard her laugh like that since I told her. When I hung up the phone with Jill I decided to tackle the biggest problem. My parents.

It was a typical Monday night. They were both seated on the sofa in our living room watching TV. They had no idea the bomb I was about to drop on them. I went to the living room, sat in the chair and waited for a commercial to come on. While waiting for the commercial I could feel myself chickening out. There is no way I could look my dad in the eye and tell him. I had always been a daddy's girl and this was likely to send him into a stroke. I quickly left the room and sat in our den trying to figure out a way to let them know. Dad finally went to bed that night. Mom was always a night owl and still sat on the sofa watching a different program. I sat back down in the chair and got her attention. I started off with some trivial conversation. Nothing major. I just wanted to get her talking. Then I told her I was going to go out of town for the weekend and just wanted to let her know. The evasiveness must have turned on her "mom radar" because she started asking a lot of questions. Where was I going? Who was I going with? When was I leaving? When would I get back? I was still trying to be evasive and answered her questions as shortly as possible. I am going to Chicago. No one is coming with me. I am going to leave Friday after work and return Sunday night. I just opened a can of worms. I never went out of town alone. She knew I would not go to a city the size of Chicago alone either. I finally broke down and told her I was going to see a "friend" I had met. Her eyes got huge. She got the " Oh No you are not" look on her face. Before she could say anything I gently reminded her I was well above legal age and I would be very careful. I would call when I left here and when I arrived. I would also call each day I was gone and prior to my return home. She so did not like the idea. I quickly left and went to my bedroom. I was feeling somewhat better knowing that I had told my mom and she had not yet pad locked my bedroom door. I drifted off to sleep that night contemplating my next move. How was I going to tell my best friend as well as my other 2 exceptionally close friends. We were all like a pack. I could not just tell one. Jill already knew so I knew my time was limited before the other 3 found out. I wanted to be the one to tell them. But what to say????

The next day while I was out visiting patients I decided to call my friend Lynn at work. I have changed the names of the innocent........lol. Lynn was closer to Jill than the other 2 and I figured I had better get a hold of her first. Just being straightforward and honest was the best way to go. She is a very straightforward kind of person anyway. I just told her What I was doing for the upcoming weekend. She seemed to take it a lot better than I thought she would. She had her concerns and she did voice them, but it was OK. I got off the phone feeling much better about my decision. I then decided to call friend number 2 while on lunch. We will call her Sally. The conversation with Sally was so much different than the one I just had with Lynn. Sally freaked out. She told me I had lost my mind and what was I thinking? After she had gotten done lecturing me loudly. I tried to put her mind at ease. I don't think I did a very good job. Eventually I had to get off the phone to see a patient and promised I would call her later. At this point the optimism I was feeling has gone. In my head Sally said everything I had originally been thinking, well so did Lynn but she just put it in a different way. I so did not want to make that third phone call. I was dreading it almost as much as I dreading telling my dad, which I still had not done. The last call was to the person who has known me my entire life. She knew all my secrets. Heck, most of the time she could finish my sentences. I was sure this was a sentence she was most definitely not going to be able to finish. I decided to put it off.....but I knew I could put it off indefinitely.

It's Wednesday. I have not told my dad. I have not told my best friend. I did have a nice long chat with Brian on the phone the night before. Another marathon phone call. I think it was 4 hours this time. I am back to feeling good about my trip. That is until I make the call to my best friend. We usually talked every day and I had skipped yesterday. I knew there was no way I was getting out of it today. I made the call. "Beth" answered the phone in her usual cheerful voice. I decided to go for cheerful too. I started off asking all the usual questions. How was her day going? How was her husband and little boy? How was work? We chatted for bit. The she asked the question I was dreading. " So what are you doing this weekend?" By the sound of her voice I could not tell if she had already been tipped off by one of the other 3. It was just a little different than normal. I went for it. She knew I had met a man Derby night. Of course I had told her all about it. When I told her she got very very quiet. I was wondering if maybe I had lost connection with my cell. I had not lost her. She was just gathering her thoughts. Like I said Beth has known me all of my life. If she was going to try and talk me out of something she knew the best way to go about it. Logically. I had always been logical. She systematically voiced the reasons she thought I should not go. They ranged from , "You have never driven to Chicago alone and do not know where you are going", to "You do not know this man. He could be a serial killer waiting to cut you up into little pieces and hide you in his closet. " I tried my best to ease her worries. I knew everything she said was out of concern for my well being, but I was determined. Once she realized that I was going to go I had to make my promises. Yes I would call when I got there. Yes I would call both days while I was gone. I promise I will not let him cut me up into little pieces. Little did I know he would do just that 2 years later.

I got home Wednesday night and my mother cornered me. She wanted to know when I intended on telling my dad. I got a great idea. I was not going to tell him. I had told her so if he wondered where I was then she could tell him. She liked that idea even less than me actually going. I got phone calls that night from Sally, Jill, Beth and Lynn. I was so relieved when I picked up the phone and it was Brian. I could finally rest. Thursday came and I spoke with Beth again. Since we spoke almost everyday anyway, it was not much different than normal. She was still gently trying to keep me here. I have great friends that truly care about me. I thought Friday would never get here. Worked seemed to take forever and I even got off early. I called Beth and my mom, letting them know I was on my way to Chicago, and began my 5 1/2 hour drive.

Right and Wrong

2010-01-03T20:18:00.001-08:00

The holiday season is now behind us. Or at least it is for me. School starts back. All of the four day weekends are ending. Today I helped my mother and her best friend take down our Christmas decorations. We went light on decorating this year and it still took forever to get everything done. Dad sat on the couch and watched a football game. The Colts and Bills, I think. All I know is it was snowing something fierce on the screen. I am glad I did not have tickets to that game. After we had finished hiding away the holidays, we all went out to dinner. I felt bad that my mom's friend took care of the bill. She said she had a gift card and that her significant other does not like the joint. I left the tip. It was only fair. Right? Came home and tried to read a little bit. My dog, Habit, wasn't too fond of that idea. She likes to jump in my lap and lay across my chest, breast level, while I am trying to read. It kind of blocks the view. That and I am usually dodging her tongue as well. She is a sneaky little devil.

I love to watch her sometimes. She cracks me up. You never know what she is going to do next. Habit has calmed down a lot since I got her, but she can still find things to get into. She also loves playing with my parents dog, Tie. Actually she is one of the few that can coax a laugh out of me these days. Man that is wrong.

I have started thinking about a lot of life's little issues recently. When we are children our parents try and teach us right from wrong. It was always concrete. It was either right or it was wrong. They never mentioned the grey areas. The areas where what is right for one person may be wrong for someone else, the times when what we do is wrong but for the right reasons and vice versa. Why do they leave that part out? It's the most difficult to deal with. Maybe to make us stronger and more independent thinkers? I have realized even at my age I tend to fall upon the wisdom of my parents. They have been around longer and experienced more of what life has to offer. I am not saying I always take their advice, but another perspective can be enlightening. At times it can be humbling as well.

I was what you would call a very odd teen. At school and around large groups of people I was very introverted. Around my closest friends and family I broke out of my shell. I did not take risks and I did not see grey areas. Everything was black and white or right and wrong. I was very inflexible about it as well. Over the last 10 years I have noticed a huge change in my personality. My friends and family have been an influence in the change. I can not blame them for all of it though. Some of the change was just me. It was me coming into myself. I started taking some risks. It was so hard letting go. I guess I started with my best friends wedding. Yes, I know it was a movie. I am actually speaking about a real wedding, really more like the after the reception ,party. Most have heard about it or were there. I won't divulge too much into it, but I ended up propositioning one of the members of the wedding party. He had no problem with saying yes. I will let you figure the rest out on your own. I had never done anything so reckless or crazy before. Although ,I thought I could be the kind of person that one night would be enough, it wasn't the case. We ended up together again several months later, and the guilt set in. Eventually we decided that we would be better off as friends. I have seen him several times since and we are both very nice to one another.

MY biggest leap came one Derby night several years ago. One of my girlfriends and I decided to go out dancing. Why I wanted to go dancing I do not know. Fate, maybe, because I was not a club kind of girl. We stopped at my friends favorite haunt for dancing. For some reason it was like Senior Citizen's night. Most of the patrons were older than my parents. Since she did not have a good selection of men to choose from we decided to go to a different club, Downtown. We never go to this particular club. It was only the second time I had ever been there. It is one of those clubs where there are multiple types of bars under one building. Needless to say since it was Derby, it was packed. For anonymity sake we will call my friend Jill. Well Jill had plenty of men to choose from now. We were traveling from bar to bar. I was looking to find a dance floor playing music I liked and Jill was looking for a man to snuggle up with. Boy did she ever find a man!!! I will call him by his name since it is a nickname anyway. BONES. Bones was in his mid to late forties, while I was 24 and Jill was 26. If you ever watched the movie Night at The Roxbury. That is Bones. His shirt was buttoned up halfway, gold chain around his neck, drink in his hand and enough cologne to cover 3 men. He came right up to us. Introduced himself and proceeded to offer to buy us a drink.

" Hey, your buuueeeeaatuiful. Can I buy you a Shoooooot?" Were his exact words to Jill. I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Jill was wide eyed and speechless. She told him she already had a drink , but he was ushering us over to his table to meet his friends. There was only one there at the time. Bones got Jill cornered at the table in a seat and introduced us to his friend. We will call him Brian, although that is not his real name. Bones then turned his back to me and Brain, and began to make a play for Jill. I thought it was funny and he seemed harmless, so I decided to talk to Brian. I learned he was from Chicago and only here for the Derby. He comes every year. They were having their usual after Derby festivities. I told him a little about myself, but was not thinking much about it. I honestly thought the man was homosexual and saw no sense in flirting. I just did not have the right equipment. It was about midway through our conversation I looked over and Jill was giving me THE LOOK. You know the look that says get me out of here or I am going to kill you. I made my excuses to Brian, told Bones and Jill I really liked the song playing and wanted to dance. I grabbed Jill's hand and drug her out to the dance floor. We danced for a while then made our way into another bar that plays country and western music. I did not give another thought to the crazy man named Bones and his friend Brian.

Later that night Jill had not only found one man, but she had two.They were both trying to get her to choose them over the other. I could hear them bantering , flirting, and coaxing her to sway her opinion. It got to be quite boring for me. I started to tune them out and began people watching. I always liked to people watch in bars because you can see everything from people fighting, flirting, making out, to having sex. It never seemed to amaze me what some people would do in public. Little did I know I would become one of those people. Anyway, I was looking around and low and behold I see the guy from earlier, Brian. No Bones. I went over and we started talking again. We talked for quite some time. Jill had chosen her squeeze for the night and they went to the dance floor. Brian asked if I would like to dance and I agreed. Heck gay men can be great friends, in the back of my head. "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This", by Toby Keith was playing while we danced. I looked up into his eyes and felt the butterflies in my stomach. My first thought was ,Holy shit. I can not like this guy like that. He is gay and I have already traveled down the road of the gay boyfriend. No matter what I told myself during that dance those butterflies would not go away. The song ended and so did the dance. Brian offered to buy me a drink. I usually do not drink when I am designated driver, but Jill and him talked me into having one. I was sensible and kept it to the just one. Brian and I continued to chat about Chicago, Louisville, Derby, our jobs and interests. Jill came over and said in a very loud voice that we should exchange phone numbers. I pulled her away when she went to the bar to get a napkin to write them on and told her that I really thought the man was gay. She told me I was out of my mind and to give him my number. Jill wrote my number on the napkin and gave it to him. She also copied his number down and gave it to me. I was mortified. At this point it was getting late and Jill proclaimed she was starving. She asked the man she had chosen if he wanted to go to breakfast with us, of course he said yes. She then turned to Brian and asked him if he would like to come as well. Now I really wanted to kill her. Then I thought, Bones would come too. This could be really fun. Brian agreed and Bones had found a woman that fell for his lines. Bleached blond, big breasts and little brain. We all went to Denny's for breakfast.

Denny's was packed, as usual. We waited for quite some time for our table. All of us chatting. I think I was the only sober one there. When we finally got seated, our orders placed, and our food searved Bones had us all in stitches. We had all almost finished eating when Bones said he was going to go out to their car and he took the blond with him. Everyone at the table decided to hang out inside for a while to give them some privacy. When they left we all figured they were not going out there to chat. They never came back in. We all were beginning to get very tired, and Brain and Bones had to drive back to Chicago that day, so we left. Jill said a long goodbye to her friend with promises of calling later that day to make arrangements to see one another again. Brian walked me to my car door. He leaned down and kissed me. At first I was in shock. Then I was into it. It was not one of those meek, timid first kisses. You know the ones where it is a little awkward because you don't have the right angle or pressure. This was perfect and according to Jill, HOT. I have to admit , I agree. It seemed to go on forever but not long enough. There was no embarrassed pause after. He extended an offer for me to come to Chicago sometime and I told him to give me a call and maybe he would have to make a trip to Louisville before next Derby. We got into our separate cars and he pulled out of the parking lot. I sat there for the longest time just staring out the windshield. Jill squealed and bounced in her seat, "Oh my GOD. Oh my GOD! I don't think I have ever seen you kissed like that before." I shook my head a little and replied with a huge grin and bright red blush, " I don't think I have ever been kissed like that before." I dropped Jill off and drove home in a hormone induced fog.

I thought about that kiss and the words he had spoken all the next day. I was seriously contemplating going to Chicago for a weekend to see a guy I had just met in a bar. Actually I was telling myself the reasons I should not do it , and why it would be a huge mistake and extremely stupid. I had talked myself out of even calling him. I was sure I was just some girl he met out of town and was looking for a fling to occupy his time until he went home. I had even talked myself into thinking he was married with 4 kids and I was such a horrible person for letting him kiss me. Then I talked to Jill. When Jill and I were together I was her conscience and she was the little devil on my shoulder telling me to go for it. This was no exception. When I told her what I thought she found reasons why I should do it to counter the reasons I thought I shouldn't. It boiled down to I really had always been the good girl. I couldn't even have a one night stand. As Jill said it was time to do something for myself. Something fun, a little wild, a little reckless. A fling is what she called it. One weekend with a man who's kiss curled my toes. I wasn't a virgin by any means, although most of my previous sexual encounters left me far from satisfied. This was my chance to change it. It took her over an hour to talk me into it. I hung up the phone with her and dialed the ten digits that would change my life.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I rehearsed in my head what I was going to say when he picked up the phone. God I felt like and idiot. The phone rang and rang. Then the click of an answering machine turning on. I heard his message and my heart dropped to my stomach. My mind was racing. Should I leave a message or not? I took the chance, left the message and disconnected the phone. I really did not think he would return the call. I called Jill back and told her about the message I had left. We were chatting about what I should say when my call waiting beeped in. I figured it was someone for my mom. I got off the phone with Jill and answered the second caller. It was him. Brian. He had been out to the library but called when he got in. Words can not describe what was going through my head. I casually asked how the trip home had been. How things were going in Chicago. We chatted for a bit before I gathered the courage. " So, I was thinking about maybe taking a trip to Chicago this coming weekend. Do you have plans?" I think I finally shocked him. He did not have plans and made the very polite offer to let me stay at his place instead of having to pay for a hotel room. I took him up on the offer. We chatted for the longest time that night. We were on the phone for over 3 hours. When we finally got off the phone. The butterflies came back. OH holy hell. How was I going to tell my parents I was going to Chicago to stay the weekend with some guy I met 2 days ago? How was I going to tell the rest of my friends? They were going to flip!

So Much Time

2010-01-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe it has been close to three years since I last blogged. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other times it feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened I have trouble catching my breath. Quick report: My four best friends are now down to 3. Tragedy and truth separated one from the pack. Of the remaining three, one is married with 2 children . I am so happy for her. The second I believe has found her heart, the one person who compliments her better than anyone. They are living together and seem very happy. The third friend, and has otherwise been deemed my best friend during past blogs, has had as much going on as I have. Divorced , two wonderful little boys, and is now engaged to be married again. Although , I have not heard a date yet. Her fiancee has been ill recently but is slowly getting better.

As for myself, I do not know where to start. I guess the beginning would be great. When I was blogging before I was in a relationship with a person who was very bad for me. Actually, he was just bad. Not only for me but for everyone he touched. It took me a long time to realize it. By the time that I did, he had pulled me down almost as far as he could. He lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me and my family, yet never showed an ounce of regret or sorrow for what he had done. He would always say the words, but looking into the depth of his eyes " sorrow" nor " guilt" was ever evident. He played me like he had many others before. I had warnings, I had proof , but for the longest time I did not accept it. When I finally did it left me broken hearted, untrusting and depressed. Oh forgot to mention bankrupt as well. I had to sell my home, move back in with my parents. I wish I could say I am rid of him. Lord knows I have made myself clear enough. Over the last year he does continue to try and contact me on occasion. I do not respond. You would think he would get a clue.

My father continues to be plagued by illness. I know is was foolish to ever wish he would just get better, but one always hopes. It is a good thing I moved back in with him and my mother so I can help her out with some of his care. He has lost an arm to cancer. Now has a non healing wound on his other hand. I pray everyday that they do not have to take it as well. I believe that would be the nail in his coffin. He is constantly being cut on due to his skin cancer. Poor healing from his other medications also have him getting frequent infections. He is on oxygen and has a hard time getting around. He still has his pride and every time he needs assistance with something new I can see the embarrassment and hurt in his face and eyes. He is way to young to be in his condition. He has the mentality of a person in his fifties but the body of someone in their seventies. My mom has a hard time dealing with all of it. She believes he should be able to do more than he can. I think she does not want to see how far he has deteriorated. It has to be hard to see your best friend waste away slowly and painfully. I tend to catch the anger she has since my brother is still not here.

My brother is getting out of prison after 8.5 years in Feb 2010. It has been a long time coming. We have missed him so much. I have forgiven him for the things he did to our family. Although, there have been times over the last several years I still get very angry. Not for what he did, but because he has not been here when we needed him. When I needed him. Being the only child around is difficult when they tell you your father is probably going to die through the night and you have to be the strong one for your mother, or when you have to be the one to hold your mother together after making the decision on a date to turn off life support. How about when we needed a man around to help with all the things that break or are falling down around the house. Not that I have not done it myself. Me and my friends remodeled our bathroom to make it handicap accessible, painted the whole house and remodeled our den. I hung dry wall!!!! Anyway, I will be glad to see him home.

As for me today. I a still with mom and dad, dealing with his health issues and mom's increasing inability to handle it. I am waiting to go get my brother next month. I have no children. I have no husband and no prospects. I have taken a break from dating. I tell everyone my "picker" is broken. Meaning I seem to always choose the wrong ones. I figured if I took a break maybe I would make better decisions when I am ready to climb back on the proverbial horse. Looking for a new job. I hate job hunting!!!! Well I guess I will go now. Hopefully it will not be 3 years until the next one.

She Hit Me Again!!!!

2007-02-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

I have been hit again! Tag....I'm ItI got tagged by Redneckgirl, so here is the list of all lists.... really I am not kidding. ...lol! Here's the deal, all the things in BOLD are what I have done. So here we go!!!
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea well it was actually from the shore.
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (went to see the cubbies, great game bad weekend)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on the winning horse (hello DERBY!!!!)
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31.Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39.Had two hard drives for your computer.
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced- more than once
42. Had an amazing friend
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs ( i am not that anal)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (when they make me)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
76. Gone without food for 5 days (why would anyone want to do that)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (NOT the real venice but in VEGAS Baby)
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone ( does my parents home count?)
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery (No, but I need to....sniff sniff)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds (working on it)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart ( I am not that special)
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet ( I do not do snakes at all)
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat (is that legal???)
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the paper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

The Holy Germies!!!!

2007-01-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

Wow it has been a while since my last post. I did realize it had been quite so long. I'm baaaccck. I have been swamped with work and more work. I just had to take a moment to reflect on something from my weekend. I went to the Baptism of a friend's son. They are catholic and it was held in a small church in the town where I recently moved from. The baby was adorable all dressed in white. Slippery as well, since his suit was made of a satin material. I was happy to share in the joy and happiness of this day with my friend and her family. My parents and I showed up in time for mass. The baptism was after. For those who know me already know my religious background. For those who do not. I was raise in a divided household. My mother was catholic and my father was Baptist. As I grew I learned about both religions and was visitor to each religion. I was baptized catholic as an infant. Then my parents stopped going to church all together and decided it was up to me to decide what religion to become. In my quest I have attend many services under many Christian denominations. Catholic, Baptist, Church of God, Methodist, Christian, Episcopalian are among a few. I have yet to find a religious home. Back to the story. I was in the middle of mass and the priest was giving communion to the alter boys when it hit me. How GROSS!!!!!

I have been in an out of the catholic church since the day I was born but it didn't hit me until now. Everyone drinks from the same cup. Everyone except the priest of course. Anyone who comes and receives communion wine will drink from the same goblet. No wonder we all stay sick! I am a nurse and a believer of science, but I also have faith and believe many things are just out of my hands. There is a higher power that can over rule any amount of science. In this case not so much. I know the wine is blessed but I am not drinking after 200 strangers. Everyone lined up to partake of communion. All I could think about was the little old lady who just hacked up a lung 3 pews ahead of me or the guy in the first row who had a fever blister the size of Mt Everest taking a big swig out of the cup they expected me to drink out of. Millions and millions of little Germies floating in the holy wine. Does that make them Holy Germies? How disgusting. All I know is they may be blessed germies, but I am not going to be the one next week people are saying" Bless You" to after a fit of coughing and sneezing. I wish the best to the rest of them.

I don't know

2006-11-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

I titled this blog "I don't know " for a few reasons. I am not sure what would be a good name for it. Over the past few months.. heck the past year I have had a lot on my plate as do most adults. Recently it has gotten worse. My father has been in the hospital for the last 6 weeks. The longer he stays the more certain he is never coming out. There were times even my faith in his recovery was in jeopardy. Especially when he was in the ICU. The hospital has made so many mistakes with his care my mother doesn't even want to leave his side for fear of them forgetting some important part of his treatment. She sleeps there now at his request. They have been married for over 30 years. Odd in today's society, I know. They have had their share of arguments and fights and stood together through things that would have torn most marriages apart. My dad had a kidney transplant when he was 24, mom had a heart attack at 38, dads subsequent problems from the medications for rejection the most being the cancer that has overtaken his skin. Amputation ad now a rare form of pneumonia and blood clots. I commend my parents for their dedication and love for the other. They have thought me so much about not giving up when the going gets tough. You stick it out and make it work. Maybe I listened to the lesson a bit to literally.My dad is starting to make progress but it is going to be very slow. During the time he was in the hospital I moved from my home back into their home. I have blogged about the move already.

I want to thank my parents for everything they have done for me. Without them I would be nothing. I will also stand by them and be there whenever they need me. That is the kind of person I am. I know I have changed over the last few years. Mainly for self preservation. I have told part of events, none of some events, I have skirted the truth and even lied on occasion. I don't know anyone who can say they have not lied in their life. I know some people would love for you to believe they tell you the truth all of the time but I am beyond being that gullible. People will tell you what they want you to hear when it comes to covering their own butts. Any of them. The ones that say they wouldn't, are in fact lying. I do believe lying about the big stuff is wrong.. Cheating, stealing, hurting someone else. I am not an awful person. I do have morals. If anyone reading this thinks otherwise them maybe they should just not read it or if they believe I am such a horrible person then stay away from me. I don't need toxic friends. I have had toxic relationships be them friends or significant others.

I don't always make the best decisions when it comes to my love life. From what I have noticed a lot of people don't. Don't judge me on my bad relationships and I will not judge you on yours! No one is perfect. For those who have stood beside me through it all. Thank you. I love each one of you. I will always be there when and if you may need me. For those others well........... Oh I am just going to do it. For those others you may kiss my natural white ass! Love ya!

Moving On.... Part 2

2006-11-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

As most of you read I went our this weekend with some of my closest friends. Friday was a great night. Thanks for dinner Countrymusic Fan. Saturday was interesting but still a good time was had. Sunday I had to go into work. Thank goodness I don't have hangovers. After work I went up to the hospital to visit my dad. I left the hospital and noticed I had some missed calls on my cell. I returned the calls.

Just a little history lesson. Redneckgirl and I have been friends since birth, well her birth anyway. I have known Musctagscarlett since the 6 the grade and I met Mindtwister when I was 20. Countrymusic fan and I dated for a couple years and then parted company but decided to remain friends. It was very hard for me at first because I loved him but as time went on I moved on to other relationships and other men. He his been with the same woman since 2 weeks after our split. No big deal right? We are friends now.

It seems now after we have been split for over 2 years there is a problem. One of the returned calls was to him. We talked about our day and whatnot. Then I was told, " Don't call me anymore in the forseeable future." Needless to say I was shocked at first. He repeated it as if I didn't hear it the first time and proceeded to tell me it was not because he was mad at me and I had not done anything. He was tired of listening to his current girfirend sh*t. At this point I finally gave up. I told him to have a good one, and said goodbye. Just to let you know. Good bye Country Music fan. I am not dumb, I am not going to beg for anyones friendship, especially a man who is so disrespectful he can not tell the woman he claims to love that he has FRIENDS. So disrespectful to me and his current love that he tries to FU*K my best friend at every opportunity and gets mad when he sees her happy with another. We can not choose who we love by the way. At one time I loved him and would have given everything up to be with him. He claimed he was my friend but I think her really needs to learn what a real friend is. I will always have a space in my heart for him even if I can't have a space in my life. God bless and Good Luck Countrymusic fan.

The Redneck Bar Weekend

2006-11-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

If you have looked at Redneckgirl or Mindtwister's Blog you know we all went to the local Redneck bar for some kareokee. If you have not read their accounts of the weekend please do so. Redneck girl has some great pics. Some friends of ours came down from Chicago. Mr B kept us all entertained Friday night. He had been partying longer than Redneckgirl, Country Music fan and Mustagscarlett. I think when he log rolled across the dance floor over and over I was going wet myself. Saturday after my dog peed on Mindtwster and we got his clothes changed, and picked up Mustangscarlett we went back to the bar. Country Music fan ended up stranded and I drove (sans glasses) to get him. We hooked up with some old friends of ours that recently got married ( see post on Redneck wedding). Much fun was had by all!

Moving On

2006-10-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

As most of you already know I moved out of my home this past weekend. I lived there for 1 1/2 yrs. I know it doesn't seem that long but it was the first place I could call my own. Until then I had lived with my parents. I purchased it before it was even built. Everything about it I decided on, from the wall color to the type of knobs on the cabinets. It was more than a just a place to live to me. My freedom, my hopes and my dreams were contained in the walls. I loved it. If I loved it so much why did I leave? I had no choice. Finacially I was no longer able to keep up with the payments.

I have made some very poor decisions over the last 2 years. Mostly I put my trust and my money where I should have tried a bit more cautiously. It cost me everything. I have lost my self respect, my pride, and my home. I have moved back in with my parents. I am sleeping in the same room I grew up in and I am almost 30. How pathetic.

I don't know what I would have done without the help of my friends. My father is in the hospital and mom was trying to prepare for my move back. They were unable to assist with my move. Redneckgirl and I spent 2 nights through the week packing. Then redneckgirl and mindtwister came over Friday and we were up until 7am Saturday packing. We slept for about 3 hours then got started again. Another of my friends who is 8 months pregnant and her husband brought one of his friends over to haul my stuff away. We finally got done about 11 at night Saturday night. Redneckgirl gave me a card and I couldn't hold back the tears. I cried. Then I went back to my parents house.

Sunday I spent most of my time getting ready for the baby shower of the friend that assisted with my move. I was alright or so I thought. I had to meet the new owners at my house and hand over my precious keys. Sunday October 22 at 6:35 pm I handed my freedom and my heart to a bleach blond named Becky. Yes that is her real name. I got back into my SUV and pulled down the road for the last time. I got to my parents front door calm and composed. It was when I stuck my key in their lock I lost it. I thought I had gotten out all of the tears. I was wrong. I went in and went back to my old bedroom and proceeded to lay by myself and cry like the day I was born.

I am so very grateful to the people who helped me this weekend. I owe them big. Also Redneckgirl thank you for the shoulder. I needed my friends and you came through as always. Mustangscarlett I understand why you weren't there. I do hope this weekend helped you a small bit on the road to self learning and maybe even a bit of your own healing. I could not imagine not having my parents. As for the rest of my "friends" I do hope whatever you did this weekend was worth it. Sometimes it is not about what a person asks you to do in the physical sense but the fact that they just need the support during a trying time. As for myself. I am exhausted and crying as I type. I'm moving on............

Ewwwwww

2006-10-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I have a very lovable bundle of energy named Habit. I am working on getting a picture posted so everyone can see her. She is a dog but one of the main sources of laughter in my life right now. I have to tell you about this past weekend. I was staying with my parents. They are in the middle of fixing their house since it was invaded by termites. I was sick. Since I was in the house trying to recover my parents took Habit outside and put her on a leash. She like to take off running so we have to make sure she is confined. My mom came into the house and here come habit running as fast as her little paws would carry her. Mom's reply was "Hey watch your dog for a while."

Habit is a very affectionate animal and loves to lick. She jumped on the couch and ran over to attack me. Then I smelled it. It was this horrible stench worse than soured milk or rotten eggs. It was her. I asked my mom what she had gotten into and my mom was clueless but caught a wiff of the smell and brought me some doggy shampoo. Habit doesn't mind a bath too much I have been giving her baths since she was 4 weeks old. The rest of the day went on without any major blunders.

The next day I was sitting on the couch when my mom came back into the house holding my squirming mutt at arms length proclaiming she had gotten into it again but mom had no idea what it was. I got up to give Habit yet another bath. While standing at the sink scrubbing her down my mom came back in and said she found the source of the problem. It turns out my beloved little bundle of energy is gross and in fact just an animal. She was playing with a dead and decaying mouse. To get the smell all over her she had to have been rolling all over the thing. I was so grossed out. Needless to say she got an extra scrubbing for that bath. EWWWWWW

Traveling Strangers

2006-09-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl I would look out the windows of the car as one of my parents would drive. I loved to count the lines on the road or play silly car games with my younger brother. Bug was our favorites. You would yell "bug" as quick as you could whenever you would see a Voltzwagon Beetle and the person with the most at the end of the trip wins. I loved beating him. While looking out the windows I would not only see the normal scenery ,but also the first clue some people are not as well off as my family. We were the typical average middle class family. Mostly it would be men standing on the side of the road with a sign or a thumb in the air. I did ask about them like any child does. Then I got the info. " That's hitch hiker. They do not have a car and they are trying to go somewhere. Or... That is a person who doesn't have a home or job and they want you to give them money, food, a job etc." I was a very empathetic child and have grown to be an empathic adult. It breaks my heart to know we can spend a billion dollars on a plane for war but we have people living on the street. As I grew older I did learn that some of them were just out to con you or hurt you. There were so many stories I heard about the girls who picked up the hitch hikers and were never seen again. I also saw with my own eyes the homeless guy who swore he was hungry, had no job and no home ,get into a car newer than mine and take off down the road. Then I became old enough to drive. I got the lecture almost every sixteen year old girl gets. DON'T PICK UP STRANGERS!!!!!

This past weekend I was riding in my SUV with my current "friend with benefits" I'll call him Mark for the sake of the story. Mark and I were in my truck and I was relaxing to some music. As I said in my previous blog the weather here was horrible. Rain would come down heavy then lighten up. He was driving and was on the ramp to the expressway when he pulled the truck over into the median and told this strange guy climb on in. I was mortified!!!!! All the years of my parents warnings were banging in my head. I could see this guy being some psychopathic killer leaving me and Mark on the side of the road dead. Or worse yet somewhere I would never be found. No one would know where I was or what had happened to me. I was totally freaked out!!! Since the guy had just climbed in and Mark took off down the road, I sat in stony silence grasping at a pen in my pocket. It was the only thing handy I could think of that would cause enough damage for me to get away if needed. As we drove down the road Mark pulled the guys story from him. I listened.

Seems he was on his way back home. He was from Minnesota and had been out of work for some time. His friend who is a truck driver told him that there were a lot of jobs down in Mississippi and he would give him a lift. They guy went down and when he got there the jobs available were low paying and hard labor. He decided he just wanted to go back home. You could hear the North in his voice and his excitement at being almost 1/2 way there. We dropped him off at a gas station about 8 miles from where we picked him up. He was very grateful and appreciative. When he went to shake my hand I slipped him a 20 dollar bill and his eyes welled up with tears. He turned a little red and thanked me for my generosity. I know I am having a really hard time financially and could not afford to be handing out money, but if I was in his shoes I would appreciate the help as well. What goes around comes around. Maybe he will do something nice for someone else.

I don't think I am going to go around picking up hitch hikers on a regular basis. I probably will not pick one up on my own ever again but I am grateful to have met someone to show me as bad as I may think I have it someone else may be struggling even more. You can always give a lending hand. I hope you meet a stranger that makes you want to reach out with kindness and thank God for all your blessings. I did.

Redneck Wedding

2006-09-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ok it seems I am the first to blog about my past weekend's events. Last Monday I was invited to a wedding taking place the coming Saturday. I really didn't think anything about receiving the invitation via the telephone rather that the usual card stock -printed invites that you get in the mail. The two getting married is a rather unusual couple. I will get to that in a few minutes. The groom was an old friend of mine from the Redneck bar. He used to be the DJ and would always welcome me with a smile and a huge hug. He is not bad looking, always smelled really good but old enough to be my dad. Literally. I graduated high school with his son. Anyway, he extended the invite to me and told me to inform the gang.

Friday before the wedding we had HORRIBLE rain storms and started having flash flooding. Saturday came and the rain didn't go away. More flooding. Highways and certain roads were closed. Cars and homes submerged, not completely. Basements flooded. It was a mess. I could not imagine having to prepare for a wedding. They did. We showed up at the small church and the groom greeted me as always, with a big hug. We made it on time but it seems his son, the best man, had yet to get there so the wedding was going to be delayed. No problem. Except the DJ for the reception was a girl I had went to high school with and decided she was going to sit next to me, Redneckgirl and Mindtwister. I am usually a very friendly person but she has a way of becoming too friendly with everyone. She has a husband, a boyfriend and a girlfriend and is always looking to expand the list. I did not want to be next on the list even though she kept placing her hand higher on my thigh everytime she would talk to me to get my attention. Yipes!!!

The best man showed and the wedding was underway. I am not really a big wedding person but still something pulls at me when I attend. The normal procession up the isle. The flower girl did not want to throw her flowers. She was so cute. The ceremony was quick but odd. The bride walked up the isle with her veil pulled back showing her face off to the world. No problem many brides these days do that. The odd part was at the end after they pronounced them husband and wife they pulled the veil over her face. They did it backwards!!!! And there was no kiss. Not kidding. I have never been to a wedding where the bride and groom did not kiss at the end and the brides face was completely covered. The bad part was not even 50 people were there and they were expecting over 100.

I told you that I would get into the odd part of the couple. The groom is in his late 40's and the bride in her early 20's. She looks 12. It looked like a father and daughter standing next to one another. I have no problem with age differences butI guess it is the ick factor. I could not imagine marrying a man old enough to be my dad. The odd part was the brides father looked young enough to be the groom. When they had the father daughter dance it looked like they were the ones who should be getting married. They had kareokee at the wedding reception and most of the guests were true rednecks. The bride was hanging out with all her 20 something friends and the groom would disappear to the parking lot to tip the liquor he stashed in the car. Redneckgirl , mindtwister and I finally made our escape and went to the local Tumbleweed restaurant. I proceeded to have a monster margarita. After a trip to the local liquor store and a couple hours at the Redneck bar I was soused. I made my drunken way to the truck and was dropped off at my door. For further information from the night you may be able to convince Redneckgirl or Mindtwister to fill in the gaps....lol

I' ve Been Hit.. Sorry Tagged

2006-09-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

So it seems my bestest bud RNG has tagged me. Now I will list 8 things about myself. It does not sound that hard but I have found it to be somewhat of a difficult task. Here goes.

1. I HATE scary movies they give me nightmares.

2. Daffodils make me smile.

3. I fear snakes. Even the tiny garden kind.

4. I do not cry pretty. I don't know how those women do it?

5. I really do miss my little brother.

6. I have to laugh every time I see the dancing baby from Alley McBeal.

7.I do not like the movie It's a Wonderful Life.

8. I am staring to like pink.....OMG!!!

I tag beckylyn and mustangscarlett........

Shake Your Booty- Guilty Pleasure

2006-08-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

It is Thursday and I am sitting in my designated pod at work. I am a nurse but I work in an office setting. I currently authorize for a specific insurance provider's home health area. We are slow on the phones at the time and I have looked at enough faxes to sink a ship. That's when I hear it. Shake, shake shake.. Shake your booty. Even now I can't remember the rest of the words and I just heard it, but the tune is stuck in my head and I find myself bobbing my head to the tune anyway. Have you ever had one of those songs that make you instinctively dance in your chair? You can't help it. You can't control it. It just happens. I have found that this is one of them for me. I can't say the 70's were my heyday. Heck I wasn't born until the late 70's, but some of the old disco tunes are a guilty pleasure of mine.. I Will Survive, Stayin Alive, and a few more stick out in my head. I used to dance to them when I was a little girl. I would jiggle and shake and didn't care who was watching. I guess it brings back that complete carefree abandonment that we seem to loose as we get older. I know I have.

I have a few other guilty pleasures, not so sure if I should share, but what the heck. I can still find myself singing along to old New Kids on the Block songs... ohhhhh don't tell anyone. I was a blockhead. Bedspread, sheets and all. I watched Night Rider as a kid and would probably still watch the reruns. Ok enough of my secrets. I hope you can indulge in any of your guilty pleasures and I hope you dance like no one is watching.

Seizures....

2006-08-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

Ok. To be continued starts now. I told everyone about work and my Saturday night out. I will proceed to Tuesday night. I had just gotten off work and drove to my parents home. They have been nice enough to keep my dog while I have been working some horrible hours. If you ask anyone who knows me or if you know me ,then you are aware my doggy is spoiled rotten. She is rambunctious at times but most of the time she just cuddles up next to me and keeps me company. She is my baby and makes me laugh when I feel like there is really nothing left to laugh about. She is always excited to see me unlike some people. Anyway, I go to my parents home to pick her up and decide to stay for dinner. My mom was in the kitchen cooking and my dad and I were in the living room watching TV. I noticed Habit, my dog, sitting in the floor and it looked like she was choking on something. She stopped and went about her business of playing and harassing my parents dog. I thought she might have had something caught in her throat and didn't think about it anymore. Then she started doing it again, more frequently. It seemed to be getting stronger.

She wound sit and her throat would look like it was spasming but she made no noise and it scared her. She would run and jump into my lap afterward. Mom went to call the vet when she had a big one. She was in the middle of the floor. Her yes got huge. Her little tongue started jutting out like she was licking the air over and over. Her head jerked and her throat started the spasms again hard enough she made a horrible wheezing noise. Her front legs got really stiff and turned out and I could not get her attention. It scared the hell out of me. I am a nurse, I know what to do when humans have problems. I had no clue what to do for a dog. My mom and I rushed her up to the puppy hospital. She was so not herself. She lay in my arms and would just barely lift her head to look around at the other animals in the waiting room. Normally she would be doing her best to get down to play with them. We got back into the room and the vet came in and examined her. They think it was the flea and tick topical treatment my mom put on her that afternoon. They drew some blood from her neck and gave her a heck of a scrub down. While we were waiting for the lab work to come back and she had her bath, she began to perk up and become more like herself. They let us come home with her under close observation for the past couple days. I am happy to say she has not had any further seizures. The vet did tell us that many animals have seizures with the brand of flea medication we used. Especially cats. She is about the same size as a cat and was dosed correctly. Warning do not put Hartz on your animals. The vet recommended Frontline or Advantage for safety. I know that is all my baby will be wearing from now on.

Work, Kareokee and Seizures

2006-08-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

I thought I would give everyone an update before I was informed I need to blog. Work has been crazy for the last few weeks. Many changes then changing right back to the old way. Sometimes I want to say, " I only have so much brain function for retention of information. If you continue to clog it up with useless nonsense then I will not be able to retain the information you would like to continue to use." I haven't said it, but it has been right the on the tip of my tongue. We fell further behind and the workload was stacking up. Since they went back to the old way of doing things we are catching up, slowly but surely. I have been putting in 50-60 hour work weeks. It does make for one tired puppy. Enough about work. It is boring.

I am not sure how many of you read Redneck Girls blog, but she did mention we went out Saturday night. It was the first night I have been out since June and I was long overdue. Dinner and kareokee. I was the DD. At dinner the waiter proceeded to sit down and have a nice long chat about his childs mother ( not sure if he was with her or not), I am not sure he knew if he was with her, his drug habit, the sorry management of the establishment we were dining at, and his tattoo. Hey I just asked what he did to his neck to require a band aid. I'm a nurse, its in my nature. I may thing twice before asking again. We were there for over 2 hours. This guy had more baggage than Paris Hilton on a month long vacation.

After we left the restaurant we hit a little whole in the wall bar for kareokee. This used to be one of our favorite places to hang out. It has lost some of its appeal. Our favorite DJ quit and the one that replaced him is ok but just not as personable. Also my favorite bar tenders have left and been replaced with something not so great. I wanted to give the woman a chance so I sat back for a few minutes when we first got there and watched. She was Johnny-on-the-spot when it came to fufilling the drink orders of the male population but the women had to work to get noticed and served. Not very good for business the nights me and my friends come in. Between the 4 of us we can drop a good deal of cash on alcohol, especially since we like to shoot tequila. Second her attire screamed "white trash". I am not always the best dressed or even the most sophisticated person, but nothing like this. Picture-- Female , early to mid 40's, bleach blond hair with her dark roots somewhat prominent. I would say she was a size 14-16. Cut off blue jeans into short daisy duke shorts with a camel toe that went from here to Egypt. Lets just say I was afraid I was going to see pussy lips coming out the side of the shorts. Yipes!!!!!! Anyway we sang some kareokee. My best friend got hit on and we called it a night. Not too bad for a night out.

I think I will make a separate post for the seizures....... to be continued

Space Invaders!!

2006-08-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is a bit of a lighter subject. A rant so to speak. Space invaders!!! No I do not mean the old Atari video game. I am talking about people. Rude and thoughtless people who care not about others personal space. I am a nurse, but I work in a office setting. We authorize services for patients depending on the type of care they need. Currently I am authorizing for Home Health services. Insurance companies contract my company to handle their clients needs. We recently were re-awarded the contract I have been working for the last 3 years. It just so happens am one of the people in my department that trains . When the heads of the company that we are contracted under wanted to see how well we were implementing a new system they sat them next to me. Generally I do not have a problem with this. I am competent in my job and communicate well. I do work in a rather small cubicle but have a large monitor. The other day my supervisor brings one of the people who want to observe to my cube. She deposits them at my side with the instruction " they are just going to watch you work". WRONG!!!!!! The lady they sat with me had a note pad and pen, and would jot every small detail down as I attempted to review cases. She grilled me on the review types and new implementation like I was on trial for murder and they just found the gun. Did I have a problem with this? NO. That is part of my job. No problem. I answered the question while working and taking care of our providers. I can multi-task. I didn't start to have a big problem until she proceeded to become a space invader. She butted right into my personal space. It was so bad I thought she was either going to sit on my lap or wanted to do the review herself. I asked if she could see ok, and was granted a yes response. Yet she didn't move away.

I understand tact is needed in situations such as this so I slowly scooted my chair in the opposite direction. She would follow. I then decided it was time to ignore her. Maybe that was just how she was. At the end of the day I was wiped out. I understand the need for personal space to be invaded if you are in an elevator, bar, crowded room, etc. For those of you who do it on a regular basis when there is plenty of space around you let me remind you of a few things. One, a person may not be as "fresh" smelling as they were when they woke up that morning. You may be offending by more than just crowding. Second, it is easy to misinterpret as hostile or harassing. People tend to get defensive.

Just thought I would let it out. I like my space. I don't like people I don't know well invading it. Ok, sometimes I don't like people I do know well invading it...LOL. Let's revert back to a ground rule of kindergarten. Keep your hands and the rest of your body to yourself. So how do you tell someone to back off diplomatically? HMMMMMM

The Amusement Park Called Life

2006-08-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

When I was young I used to love riding amusement park rides: roller coasters, swings, water rafts, bumper cars. I loved them all. The faster the better. The way my heart felt when the roller coaster flew down the hill or the anticipation as it climbed is very hard to duplicate. My parents used to take the family to such places as Disney World, Kings Island, Santa Clause Land ( aka Holiday World) and of course the Kentucky State Fair. I can close my eyes and almost be trasnported back to those times. The smell of corn dogs at the fair, funnel cakes and cotton candy abounded. It never ceases to bring a smile to my face. Also it was a time when my family was whole. I can always remember dragging my brother from one ride to the next. Conning him into the scarrier ones, even though I knew he would cry. He always found a way to get me back though..lol. As I grow older and miss those carefree times I can't help but see how much life itself is like and amusement park ride. The thrill, the joy, the fear, and the sadness when it is over.

I have had an especially difficult month. Most people either do not realize how difficult or don't care. There are a select few who seem to understand. Thank you for that. Since my last blog my father has had to have his hand amputated. I have been dealing with his feelings of decreased self worth, my mothers guilt for having to have it done ( she had to make the decision), explaining to my younger brother why ( who is hundreds of miles away), and everyones elses questions on "how is your dad". I have also had to make some very difficult decisions about my own life. I have placed my home for sale. I will be moving back in with my parents for a small duration of time. My own feelings of failure, guilt, and worthlessness threaten to overwhelm. See I used to be the rock. I didn't let many people in and I didn't let anyone see my weaknesses. Now I can't keep from it.

I am riding the roller coaster of life and let me tell you right now I am climbing that hill. The fear of the unknown and what is yet to come, the anticipation for the thrill of flying through the air ( release) are forefront in my mind. I hope everyone who reads enjoys thier ride. Close your eyes and hold on tight. Sometimes its a little bumpy.

The Habit Factor

2006-07-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

As most of you are aware I have a small dog. Her name is Habit but it should have been Diva. She is half Jack Russell so I guess you can say she is excitable. Not terribly so. When new people come in she is overly excited for about 20 minutes then calms down. The thing is she is always doing something that cracks me up. I have to tell you about one such incident.

Habit loves to watch people shower. It was kind of creepy at first to see her little head poking in between the curtain, but I have gotten used to it. At least she doesn't try to join me. I was taking my shower the other day and had my head all shampooed up. Placed my head under the flow of water and heard the shower curtain being moved. My first though was Habit, therefore I did not pay attention. Once my hair was suffiently rinsed I noticed the curtain being pushed in about half way up. That is not Habit. She is only about a foot tall from head to toe. I pull it back and could not help myself from laughing. There was the dog, sitting on the toilet facing the shower. She was sitting up on her hind legs on the lid of the commode and swating at the curtain. I guess she wasn't expecting me to open it because she made one last swipe. The curtain wasn't there and she lost her balance and fell butt first into the toilet. I am not sure which one of us was more shocked. I was trying to grab for her and she was trying to scamper out of the toilet. Needless to say after the toilet dunk, Habit got a bath.

Hope you enjoyed the caper as much as I did.

What's Going On

2006-06-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have recently been told I am in desperate need of blogging.. Or was that flogging? Not sure, but I decided to go this route instead. It is much less painful. It has been a while since my last entry. I have been trying to do some soul searching. Trying to find out what's going on in my head. I assure you it is not a place you want to linger for any amount of time. Very scary.

I have had a person in my life that makes me feel wonderful and awful at the same time. I know it is a contradiction but it really does happen. No mater how hard I tried to hang on to the wonderful and get rid of the awful it seemed to go the other direction. That is a story that would take up blogs for the next year. Lets just say I am trying to deal with the issues that have been embedded.

I have always been goal oriented. Driven. Sometimes to a fault. I used to be judgmental and unforgiving. Cold and hard. Most people could not see me break. Let me rephrase that I would not let people see me break. Weakness was not acceptable. I was The Rock. Then my world started to fall apart. My brother was sent to prison out of the state. I loved like had never loved before, let someone in, and got my heart broke. Switched roles , becoming the caregiver, and lost my favorite grandparent. Attempted to compensate for the loss of my love through the arms of others. I assure you it does not work. Faced finacial ruin and bankruptcy. I was always the one with the budget and money, now having to swallow my pride and ask for help. Boy do I have that in spades. I also became involved with a person who had control of me like no other person has ever had control before. I still can not explain the power this person has /had. It is like a battered woman's syndrome to the extreme. I guess it is safe to say I am emotionally depleted. I cry. I used to hate to let anyone see me cry. I just didn't do it unless I was alone. Now I am humiliated when I can't keep the tears from coming. Horrified. Maybe it is just my body's way of getting me back for holding it in so long.

I am now in a very unique position. Limbo. I have went from hard , cold, unforgiving, judgmental to the other extreme. I have to find a happy medium. Something I can be comfortable with. It has to start with some tough love. Like nike.. Just do it. Soul searching. I do hope the people that are closest to me will understand and be open. The last thing I need is the I told you so's, the hitting raw nerves....and they all know my raw areas. I nee do to take time to heal from the inside. Let myself heal from wounds made some time ago. I hope, I wish, and I pray for strength and wisdom. I will close this with a quote.. Wisdom is not gained with age but by the life that is lived during that age.

Another Year Come and Gone

2006-06-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

As most of you know last week was my birthday. I had a very busy week. Tuesday one of my friends took me to a new Chineese restaurant for dinner. It was very yummy! Wednesday night I spent the evening with my mom and dad. Only fitting to spend the day of my birth with the 2 people who created me. They took me out to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Also very yummy! Friday night my best friend and I went to dinner and out to The Redneck Bar. Saturday was my celebration with the girls. We had dinner at Bucca De Beppo then hit the bar. I proceded to get very drunk. I know I should be past the age where I get drunk for my birthday, but I do it so few times a year it seems as good of an excuse as any.....lol. As far as birthday's go it wasn't too bad. I am now 29, single, have no children and have never been married. I look back over the year that has come and gone and have to wonder....... Whats next?

I have always been the person who had a plan. A list of things to acomplish by a certain time was never far from my mind. Goal oriented to a fault. The past year has been limbo. I would like to say a little piece of my own personal hell. I have lost direction. I have no goal. I have no plan. I am lost. I still see the big picture. I eventually want to get married, have a child, live happily ever after. Who doesn't? I am just not sure those things are in the cards for me. If not i will have to live with that.

This year I have loved with everything in my being. Hurt and been hurt. Cried and laughed, sometimes at the same time. Loved ones have moved away or pulled away. It has been an interesting ride. I have learned some helpful lessons I would like to share.
1. Sometimes its none of my business.
2. Do not force it. It will just happen.
3. The greatest gifts have nothing to do with money.
4. Stick together or fall apart.

Life is like a box of chocolates........

Coming Together or Falling Apart

2006-05-24T12:06:00.000-07:00

As everyone who reads my blog you know I have a group of friends that I am very close to. It is a very exciting time for one of them. She is pregnant. Due at the end of the year with her first baby. I am so excited for her and her husband. Also it gives me another one to spoil rotten. I am the perpetual Auntie. I love children and would like to have at least one someday. Right now is just not a good time. I wish her the best of luck and a healthy pregnancy and delivery.

It is getting closer to my birthday. I used to get so psyched up about going out with my friends and having a blast. I am not so psyched anymore. It seems like when we all get together someone has to have an issue. It may be me or one of the others. It has just gotten stressful. All I ever want is to have a good time. What is preventing a group of friends who used to get together and have a wonderful time from continuing to do so? Now I just get all eikey about it. I hate conflict and try to avoid it whenever possible. No one has mentioned doing anything this year. Maybe they feel the same. So this year instead of coming together as we always do, maybe this will be the beginning of the falling apart. I sincerely hope not.

Ok. I am going to vent again. Derby sucked! Yes I am aware I have already said it, but it is worth saying again. Derby really sucked!!!!!! Apparently I have terrible judgment in people, especially men. I sent an e mail to a person I thought was a friend. I expected an answer of some kind. It could have been a call , a return e mail. I am not picky. Did I get either? NO. I guess I put more stock in our friendship than he did. OK I had better stop before I go on a tirade. Yes I know some of you love to hear my tirades, but others do not.

I have recently started e mailing an old high school chum. He sent me an e mail via work address. Seems like we work for the same company and he saw me enter the building this week. It has been nice catching up. I have known him forever, since kindergarten. It really is a small world.

I hope your day is full of happiness, joy and laughter.

Derby and Doggy Disasters

2006-05-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I know it has been a while since my last entry. I have been trying very hard to pull my thoughts together. I guess the last time I blogged I was looking forward to the Derby festivities. Lets just say the weekend turned out to be one of the worst I have ever had to endure. I always am the person to say... I can tolerate anything for 1 hr, 2 hrs, 3 hr etc. Derby weekend put it to the test. I was humiliated, embarrassed, and hurt by someone I trusted and cared about as a friend. Not just once, not just twice but repeatedly. At the risk of sounding like Forrest Gump , "thats all I have to say about that." Now onto the Doggy Disaster.

My parents left this past weekend to visit my brother in Florida. I told them I would stay and watch the house and their dog. The dog is half Lab and half German Shepherd and is normally a very well behaved animal. Last night was a totally different story. My dog was also there. They tend to get along well. I guess Tie, my parent dog, was tired of being alone. He let me know about it. Usually when my mom is home she sleeps on the couch and he sleeps at her feet. Well I took my dog into the spare room and close the door so she could not get out and tear anything up. That left Tie to roam the house alone at night for the weekend.

Last night I picked my little dog up and carried her into the spare room. Tie followed close behind. I had just let them in from outside. I placed my dog on the bed and announced it was night night time. Tie then proceeded to raise his leg and piss on my scrub pants, turn around and walk out of the room. I was so shocked. He has never done that before. I scolded him then went to bed. I was sleeping pretty soundly when I hear a loud crash, bang boom at 2 in the morning. I sat straight up in bed and was kind of scared. I flew out of the bedroom door and looked around frantically. I crept to the kitchen and saw a horrible site. Trash all over the floor. I turned the corner to the den and the same site met me there as well. Tie had gotten into the trash can and flung trash all over the house. I was so mad. I was picking trash up and cleaning house when I should be asleep. I looked at his dog dish. Empty. Guilt set in. Maybe he was just hungry. Since there really wasn't much food in the garbage I opened him some food and put it in his bowel. He walked over, sniffed it twice, took a bite and walked to the living room to lay down. At this point I am not feeling so guilty I am back to being mad. I went back to bed. Woke up late. Rushed around the house to leave for work and looked in my parents bedroom. All the covers on the bed had been pulled off and flung in the floor. Since my puppy and myself were in the other room all night that left one culprit. Tie. I didn't have time to make the bed up so I left it the way it was. The funny thing about all of this. My puppy, who is known for getting into things, slept next to me all night without a peep. It was like that old movie where the father and son switch bodies. Kind of strange.

One topic, Two topic, Three ......

2006-05-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

I really do not have one specific topic I am going to foucs on for this blog. I guess I should just call this Random Thoughts Day. Over the last week I have spent most of my time cleaning my house, spending time with my family and catching up with a few friends I do not get to see all the time. Have I mentioned how much I hate to clean? I don't know anyone who thinks it is great fun, but I had to clean my house last weekend. I had a little help. Thanks guys. We even cleaned out the attic and the carpets. It was a job. Anyone who knows me would say over the last year if you come into my home chances were there would be clean clothes folded or placed on the table in my kitchen. I rarely eat at the table sooooo..... Anyway, I do not mind doing laundry. The physical act of changing clothes over, putting them in the washer or dryer, separating them , and folding does not bother me. I hate to put them away. I avoid it all costs. I am not sure why. I just do. I am going to try and get better about it though.

Also I am looking forward to chaning rooms after Derby. I currently have the room upstairs but I am switching rooms with my room mate very soon. Yeah!!!! no more waling up and down steps to go potty whe he has locked himself in.

I have a friend coming to town for Derby. Everyone is so excited to see him. I am torn. I enjoy spending time with him and we get along very well. He just so happens to be my ex significant other. We are friends now. He has moved on. So have I. I guess there may still be some lingering issues I refuse to discuss with anyone. It still holds true at this point... I would rather have him in my life as my friend than not in my life at all. So as the day approaches, my friends become more and more excited I feel bad I am not quite as overenthused as them. To me yes we are friends and can spend quality time together but... anyway it must be those issues I refuse to discuss. I am looking forward to the events to come. FUN!!!! DERBY!!!!! let you know how my weekend goes later.

Impact

2006-04-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

Recently there has been much turmoil in my life as well as the people I love the most. Somedays it seems like it is overwhelming and I forget to look at a bigger picture than what I see in front of me. I recieved an e mail from my mother. It made me stop and take notice. It was truly touching. I thought for this blog I would share it with you. If you have read it before, I find it is worth reading again. Each time I find something else to learn. I hope it touches your heart and heals part of your soul. I know it has mine.

Jean Thompson stood in front of her fifth-grade class on the very first day of school in the fall and told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her pupils and said that she loved them all the same, that she would treat them all alike. But that was impossible, because there, in front of her, slumped in his seat in the third row, was a little black boy name Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and had noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were unkempt and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy was unpleasant. It got to the point during the first few months that she would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and making the fat "F" at the top of the paper.
Because Teddy was a sullen little boy, no one else seemed to enjoy him either.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's records. She put Teddy's off until last. When she opened his file, she was very surprised.
His first-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright, inquisitive child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners...he is a joy to be around."
His second-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student well-liked by his classmates, but is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness, and life at home must be a struggle."
His third-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy continues to work hard, but his mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class. He is tardy and could become a problem."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem, but Christmas was coming soon. The school play and other things kept her busy until the day before the holidays began. Then, suddenly, she was forced to focus on Teddy Stoddard.
Her fifth-graders brought her presents -- all with beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's, which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy brown paper of a cut-up grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet, with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of cologne. She stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume behind the other wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed behind just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to." After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.
On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing, and speaking. Instead, she began to teach children.
Jean Thompson paid particular attention to the one they called "Teddy." As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. On days when important tests were given, she would remember that cologne. By the end of the year, he had become one of the smartest children in the class -- and the "pet" of the teacher who had once vowed to love all her children exactly the same.
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that of all the teachers he'd had in elementary school, she was his favorite.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still his favorite teacher of all time.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would graduate from college with the highest honors. He assured her that she was still his favorite teacher.
Then four more years passes, and yet another letter came. This time, he explained that after he had gotten his bachelor's degree. He had decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still his favorite teacher but that now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.
That's not the end. There was still another letter that Spring. Teddy said that he'd met a girl and would soon marry her. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering... would Mrs. Thompson agree to sit in the pew usually reserved for the mother of the groom? She did, and she wore the bracelet that was missing several rhinestones. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy had given her. And maybe, just maybe, she smelled just like... the way Teddy remembered his mother smelled on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference. Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."
(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the doctor at Iowa Methodist in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing).

May all your days be blessed and may you be one of those people who change someones life.

Toilet Paper

2006-04-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

My blogs as of late have been a bit serious. Well not this one. I am blogging about toilet paper. When I was younger and lived with my parents I never really thought about it. It was there when I needed it. Then I got rid of it. Now it is HUGE, especialy when you don't have any. I really never noticed how much of the stuff I actually go through. When purchasing it the decisions are nerve wrecking. I stand in the isle at Wal- Mart looking at the selections. Do you get single roll, double roll, triple roll, the kind with aloe, 1 ply, two ply,quilted? Its is awful and expensive if you get the good stuff-- Charmin (my favorite). I am also having issues with public restrooms and their toilet paper. It feels like sand paper and you have to use 1,000 sheets to make sure things get done properly. I thought I was the only one with this issue until I watched a comedy special last week. It was Ellen's new special and it was soooooo funny. She hit on the topic of public restrooms and toilet paper. If you get a chance to watch I highly recommend it. I once dated a man that seemed to hate to purchase the stuff. Everytime I went to his home there was very little or none at all. I had to resort to napkins from fast food restaurants. Now let a corner of one of those get you in the right place and we are talking paper cut from hell. YIPES!!! Sometimes he was nice and brought a bit home from work (public restroom TP). I just got to where when I went out I bought some. On the other hand my mother thinks we are going to have a toilet paper famine in the near future. There are 2 people who live in their house and she buys the 36 double rolls. I know you get it a bit cheaper that way, but there is a limit on how much 2 people really need to purchase at one time...lol. Well to all those out there I hope your TP shopping experiences go well and you never have to suffer a pussy papercut. Love ya.

Back to the Basics

2006-04-12T13:10:00.001-07:00

The party is over! As everyone well knows I had been planning a big surprise party for my mom. If you have ever met my mother you know how she is. If you have not then I must let you know. My mother is the kind of person that always is one step ahead of you. You can never get one over on her. If my dad bought her something special for Christmas he stopped wrapping it and placing it under the tree. She always knew what was in the box. One Christmas I put a ring in a huge box and filled the box with odds and ends from the house to weight it down. She still guessed. April Fool's jokes were a waist on her. Therefore planning a huge surprise party for her was stressing me out. I just knew she would figure it outbefore the party. So I went to extreme measures. The week prior to the event she said something to me that was a bit upsetting. I was over it in a few hours. I let her think I was still upset with her. Lets just say she was very surprised. We finally got her!!!! It was a lot of work, but went very well. Thanks to the people who helped out. You know who you are.

Now that the party is over I thought things would settle down. Nope. No rest for the wicked..hee hee hee. I am busy putting in some extra hours at work. Have you ever been completely unfufilled with your life? I shouldn't complain. I am much luckier than a lot of people. I have a home, a job, friends, family. Its just that there is something missing. Empty. I have started praying more. I am trying to be more spiritual. Not into religion itself but spiritual. One of my favorite songs right now is " I believe" by Brooks and Dunn. Maybe getting back to the basics will lead me to fill the emptiness.

I am a natural born worrier. Right now I am not only concerned about my family, but my friends as well. It seems that everyone has something going on at the same time. Used to be we would have a crisis or and issue and the others were right there. Now , we all have issues and crisis.... it makes the gatherings more interesting. All I can say is CHEESECAKE!!!!

Back to the Basics

2006-04-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sick and the Party

2006-04-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed when you are sick people tend to blow it off. They may ask "whats wrong", but once you have listed the ailments or disease you get the proverbial "oh" or "well I hope you feel better". Then they expext you to act and behave as you normally do when you are well. I am not saying everyone should act like your mom did when you were sick and 3, but they should expect a slow down, a change of moods and decreased intrest in outside goings on. Is a little common courtesy for the ill too much to ask? Don't get flustered when they snap, refuse to do something or go somewhere. Hey be a pal. Tell them to get some rest so they can get better, improve their mood and their desire to kick up their heels.

As everyone knows I have been very busy trying to plan a surprise party for my mom. It became a bit more complicated this week when I came down with the creepy crud. It took away my voice as well as any iota of energy I may have had. My friends have been running around with me to get ready and I appreciate all their help. One in particular is off work today and doing last minute shopping while the rest of us work. Thank goodness. It is coming together fairly well I just regret that I had to stop the party train for antibiotics and Nyquil..lol. Since the train is full steam ahead I hope the combinations of pharmacuticals keep me on board. I would sure hate to fall off..lol. I like nothing better than a good party and the one me adn my friends throw are great. Hey why wouldn't they be... food, music, drink ( yep even a little alcohol) and your best buds make for and excellent evening if I must say. I will have to let everyone know how it goes. For those who have assisted Thanks. Hugs and Kisses.

Attack of the Mutt

2006-03-31T05:33:00.000-08:00

Some of my more recent blogs have been quite serious. I want to lighten things up a bit. As far as the serious side, thanks to everyone for your support. As you all know I have a puppy. She is 10 months old, half jack russell and half pikaneese. She does have the energy level of the jack russell, bouncing as high as the counters when I first get home from work. She even resembles a jack russell with a dark brown patch over one eye and another on her back near her tail. She has a serious underbite and her small little teeth jut out a bit on the bottom. It kind of makes her look like a bad ass, but she only stands about a foot tall from head to floor and weighs in at a whopping 10 1/2 lbs. She is very affectionate and loves to lick, especially noses and mouths. I do my best to keep her away from my mouth but she is very quick. Yuck! When you cover your mouth she will attack your nose. Her tongue is so small it fits up a nostril without any problem and she loves it. Double Yuck!!

Habit, my dog, loves to go over and torment my parents dog, Tie. Tie is very protective of her and pretty much lets her beat up on him. She will bite his legs, mouth, tail. He will move away and giver her a toy to play with instead. She follows him everywhere. He has adopted her and takes care of her like a father. It is really quite cute. Last night I decided to stay overnight at my parents house. Habit was in heaven. She was getting extra Tie time. When we are at home and it is bed time, I tell her it is nighty night time. We go upstairs to my room and go to sleep. She will sleep next to me and go to sleep without any problems. Since I decided to stay at my mom and dads last night, I told her it was nighty night time. I picked her up and carried her into the spare room with me and shut the door. I lay down on the bed close my eyes and repeat that it was time to go to sleep. She was not having any of it. She wanted out with Tie. I tried to hold her down. That did not work. So I decided to just shut my eyes and she would get tired of standing by the door whinnying and come to bed.

I shut my eyes, I felt the bed give and hot breath on me. as soon as I opened my eyes she jumped off the bed and ran to the bedroom door. I knew she only wanted out to get to Tie because I had let her potty prior to going to bed. There fore I just shut my eyes again. After a few minutes the whole process repeated itself and she once again jumped off the bed when I opened my eyes. Still I was going to win!!! The dog was not going to defeat me. I closed my eyes and more time went by. I had just fallen asleep when it happened. Attack of the mutt. I felt a hot wet object being thrust up my nose. Being in the realm of sleep I jerked my head away and she pounced. Habit was standing on my head and I was swiping with my hands and thrashing my head back an fourth to keep away from the slick wet tongue but she was quick and was lapping as me like I was an ice cream cone. Finally I got her off of me by sitting straight up in bed which tossed her onto the floor.

She was dancing around running to the door and back to me, to the door and back to me. I was busy wiping the doggy drool off my face and trying to clean out my now tongue raped nose. I gave up.. Fine she wins. I throw the cover off my body stand up and take a step to let her out of the room. Seems my dog left me a surprise, which she does when she is mad at me. My foot landed in a puddle of pee and I slid right onto my butt on the floor. Yes I am a klutz but slipping on a tiled floor in a puddle of pee after my nose had been violated was not my idea of an ideal wake up call. I picked myself up off of the floor made it to the door and flung it open as if the hounds of hell were about to attack instead of a 10 lb rat dog.

Habit ran out of the room straight through the kitchen to the den where my mother and Tie was. By the time I had gotten to the den she was snuggled up next to Tie on the couch with her eyes heavy and starting to close. It was a lost battle. I went to the bathroom, cleaned my feet off, went back to the bedroom and cleaned up the floor, washed my hands and crawled back into bed. Alone. Seems that is just par for the course..lol.

Fear

2006-03-27T05:19:00.000-08:00

I know I said my next blog was going to be about the party for my mom, but I thought a change of subject was in order. I will start with the party though. It is becoming a monster. My dad has an idea of what he wants and I had my idea. I wanted to do a pretty party, with roses and my moms favorite color. My dad wants a black "Over the Hill" party. Since he is paying for it I am doing as he wishes. I just wish he would tell me all at once what he would like for the thing not after I start making plans then I have to change them. The cake is the new issue. The woman who usually bakes the cakes for our parties is going to be out of town that weekend. This has left me scouring the city for something I like. I was going to do the Wal-Mar, Kroger, Meijer route but my dad was thinking bakeries and cake sampling. We are working on it. Not much time left but it will get done. Onto my next subject. Fear.

Have you ever been truly afraid? I know most people like scary movies, haunted houses and things of that nature to frighten them for entertainment purposes. I am talking about being scared by life, someone or something that is real. The movies and such we know are fiction and although it is frightening in the back of our minds we understand it is not real. I have my fear like everyone else. Fear of failure, rejection, snakes,you know the normal stuff. Right now I am beyond scared. I am lost. I know many have no idea what I am talking about. It is one of those things that you keep to yourself and do not share. I am lost and I am afraid for the most precious gift any of us can have. Life.

Suprise!!!

2006-03-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

I am currently thinking about suprises. Theier can be good ones and bad. The suprise my puppy left for my room mate was not what I would consider a pleasant one. She got into his room and pooed right in front of his closet. She normally is not alllowed in his room. When she does get in she is taken out just as quickly. She has improved on her potty training. Actually she has gotten much much better. The only time she has accidents is when I am not paying attention to her and don't let her outside or she is mad. I guess she was mad because she got into his room without me realizing she was in there and left her suprise. Needless to say my room mate was not happy and I heard about it. It is not like it was done on purpose or out of meanness. It was in fact an accident. He now jokingly threatens to kill my dog. At least I hope he is joking. Ok that was a bad suprise.

At this time I am also planning a birthday party for my mom. She is turing 50 and it is a suprise. My dad is helping with the expenses but can not help with the preparations because it would alert my mom to the situation. My very good friends are goping to help me throw this thing together. It isn't the first big party we have thrown so we should be getting pretty good at it. I am thinking nicely done party, not like the "over the hill" party we gave my dad when he turned 50. Women are a bit more sensitive about their ages although my mom has never been. I think something tasteful and pretty. I plan to use yellow as one of the colors. It is her favorite. Maybe have some yellow roses or petals spread throughout somehow. She also likes dasies. I am sure it will be great. A wonderful suprise considering what we are going through right now.

The worst suprise may come to my brother. He may be getting a visit from my parents soon. He will think that is good until he learns the reason. I am trying to think positive and hope that they do not have to make the trip but only time will tell. My dad has skin cancer. He has been fighting it for years. He is also a kidney transplant pateint. A little over a week ago he asked me to look at a place on his arm. It was a knot about the size of a half dollar right on the old incision line from his fistula. He said it was sore, but it was not hot or red. I encouraged him to show his doctor. He did show it to his cancer doctor. He was concerned it might be a clot or aneurysm, which is what I was thinking. He called is kidney doctor due to the location and he told my dad over the phone just to place warm compresses on it. It was probably phlebitis. For those of you who do not know what phlebitis is, it is a condition classified as an inflammation of a vessel. I knew it was not phlebitis because it was not red or warm but my dad did what he was told. It did not go away. Actually 2 more small areas formed in less than a week down by his wrist. When he saw his dermatologist the doctor became very alarmed. He thinks the cancer has went into his lymph nodes. The next day sent him to one of the best surgeons for hands in the city. Dr. Kuntz wants to know what he is dealing with and has ordered some MRI's. If in fact the knot on his upper arm is a tumor he will need further testing to see how spread out it is. If it is a clot then he will need a different treatment. What is so concerning is the 2 new areas that presented in less than a week. If the cancer is now in my fathers lymph nodes the spread is usually quick. They do not want to have to tell my brother that over the phone. They will make a trip to Florida. The worst suprise. For now we wait. Wait to see what is to come. May you all be blessed with health and happiness.

Ranting.... Bad or Good?

2006-03-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

I have noticed I have been ranting a bit. I just finsihed responding to a mutual friends blog and my comment was a rant. I did warn her when she called and told me about the blog. I have found ranting through writing can almost be as self satisfying as ranting in person. I try very hard not to rant in person, to keep a level head and think before speaking. That is what I was tought. Most of the time when I rant in person it is not to the person the rant is about. It is usually with one of my friends over the whole situation. Ranting in wortong tales away some of the reaction to the words but you still say what needs to be done. So is is good or bad to rant in person or wirting. Which is better? I think I will try a bit of both..ha ha ha. Hope everyone has a good day. Keep on writing.

National Male Dickhead Month

2006-03-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

I have come to a conclusion that March must be National Male Dickhead Month. Alas , I did not get the memo prior. Why do I say this you may ask? I have a group of female friends. Most of the time we all get along, but as friends sometimes do we have our disagreements. Three out of my four friends, as well as myself, are having some interesting issues with the men in our lives. They range from emotional roller coasters, to miscommunication, to no communication, ranting and raving to just not willing to talk at all. I have begun to believe it either has to be Dickhead Month or they have all turned into four year olds having tanturums. That also brings to mind a double standard. As women if we rant and rave, throw tantrums, refuse to speak or show the smallest bit of anger or high emotion, we are labeled as being bitchy or of course it must be PMS. Just an FYI women are allowed to get angry, we are allowed to be just as outright in our agressive emotions as men. For my girlfriends, all I can say is hang in there. There will be a day when this type of behavior is no longer such a strong part of our lives, where we are able to express ourselves and not be held prisioner to their inability to communicate effectively, and we are not seen as unreasonable when we stand up for our protection.

This is not a male bashing blog. There are some men at this time that are not under the Dickhead syndrome. I am afraid they are out of the loop and did not get the memo either...lol. To those wonderful men who read this far down please do me a favor. Think about your actions with the women in your life right now. Do you get upset with them when they try to talk to you about "touchy" subjects and shut down communication? Do you lie to them? Do you cheat on them at any time? Are you able to understand and see more than one side of an issue or are you so stuck in one frame of mind that you will inevitably hurt the woman? This is just not for the loves of your life but the mothers, sisters, and friends as well. I wish you luck gents.

The man/woman relationship is always going to be one of the most trying aspects of the adult psyche. Men and women are different. We think differently and we react differently. Typically men are aggressors and women are nurturers. As the world changes and the roles men and women have to take in society women are becoming more agressive. Yet they are still supposed to be the fairer sex and appear nonagressive. Relationships are becoming more difficult. The lines turning grey. On a date who pays? Do you go dutch? If the woman asks the man out should she therefore pay for the date? How do you bring up these topics before said date? Dating in the new millenium reminds me of an old Pat Bennitar song. "Love is a Battlefield." For all those who hold the belief "All's fair in love and war", I know many of you do, remember war has casualties. Is it really love if you are willing to make the person of your so called love a casualty of war? If so......Battle On.

Can You Be Too Far Gone????

2006-03-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has read my blog for any amount of time will notice I have tried to be more positive this year in my thinking. I was hoping the positive approach to life and all it has to offer would somehow make things more pleasant in the grand scheme of my world. I will say I am not always a pessimistic person but I do hug the grey line between positive and negative thinking normally. Let's just say the positive thinking is not working. Not only are things not looking better, they somehow seem to be going further downhill. I am not sure how to stop the landslide. With things continuing to pile up it leaves me to wonder.... Can you be too far gone?

I know I may have blogged previously about some of my financial difficulty. I am employed full time as a nurse. I have no objection to work. Most of my adult life I have held 2 jobs, a full time job and a part time job. Heck at one point I had 3 jobs. I made some mistakes and now I am somewhat in a bind because of those mistakes. Ok not somewhat in a bind, I am in a crisis. I have borrowed, shuffled, and tap danced to try and keep myself afloat. There is nothing left to shuffle. I can no longer tap dance. Does anyone have any suggestions? Not all of my current situation is due to my mistakes though. I have been off from work for the last 3 weeks due to a medical problem. Hence, the second step to my downhill slide.

As I said in my last blog I became very ill around Valentine's Day. The severe abdominal pain and nausea has not went away. The only thing that works are the meds and they put me to sleep. I went to the doctor today and he is sending me to a surgeon. Not because he found something but because he doesn't know. Oh and to top it off, he will not clear me to go back to work until the surgeon is done with me. No income and the bills keep coming.

I am due to start work with a new company April 1. My company lost our contract and I am following it to the new provider. That is if my doctor will release me in time. I am hanging in limbo.

I am tired of being sick, I am tired of struggling, I need a break. I need something positive. I am afraid I am too far gone. Any suggestions?

Disgusted.....

2006-02-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday evening and I am once again visiting my parents. Using thier computer to blog. Normally I do this at work during my luch or down time, but I have not been to work for a while . It wasn't until I had to stay at home during the day that i noticed daytime TV is in dire straights. It sucks. Why am I not at work? No I did not get fired, nor did I quit. I have been ill recently. Valentine's Day I was hit with abdominal pain, cramping, nausea, vomiting. I am sure you get the picture. I did go see my doctor the next day and he thought it was just a "bug" going around. It never went away. I did try to make it back to work that next Monday, but without the medication for pain and nausea, I was miserable. I went back to the doctor the next day and he put me off work. I feel like a pin coushin from the labs an di due up for an ultrasound and CT scan of my abdomen on Tuesday. The vomiting has slowed down , thank goodness, but the nausea and pain persist. Since i am not working that also means I am not getting paid. This brought about a unreal amount of stress. Who today can go 3 weeks without a paycheck? Not many without being in finacial straights. Thank goodness there are people in my life that are able to lend a hand when one needs it most. For those I am extremely thankful. I will be ok. During one of my many visits to my parents home this week while I have been off from work I was given some rather disturbing news. Ok not disturbing, disgusting.

I have an old friend from childhood that I do not speak with anymore. As we grew up she grew into a person I really did not want in my life. She is uncapable of telling the truth and lies to anyone for the sake of the almighty dollar. She borrowed monet from her family, my family, other friends, and myself. She has yet to pay me back or my family back the money she owes. I am not petty enough to ruin a lifelong friendship over a few dollars. It is not that reason I do not speak with her. It is the lies. This is not what disgusts me. This person is now accsuing her one of her own family memebers of a horrible, unspeakable act. Something that would make me furious if true. Knowing the situation that the family memeber is in and her past, I do not believe her for one moment. I feel sorry for her family and am disgusted to the point of nausea at her complete disreguard for anyone other than herself. May God save her soul, for no one else here will. I am prepared to speak on her family memebers behalf if necessary. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.

Disgusted.....

2006-02-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

What to Say

2006-02-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I have blogged and a few of my friends have brought this to my attention. I have not blogged because I am at a stand still. I did not know what to say. I guess I will give everyone an update. I have been laid up most of the time. I am a clutz. Not just your normal everyday variety, I always do myself in in the most interesting ways. About a month ago or so I was chasing my run away puppy, who was chasing another stray dog, and slipped on some mud. Landed on my bottom but hit my knee on the way down. Still having knee problems from this. yes I did the right thing and went to the doctor, who sent me to an orthopedic surgeon. I would rather cut off my leg than to go back and see this doctor again. He was unprofessional and was not a good physician in my opinion. As if my knee problem was not enough I had to have yet another clutz moment a couple weeks after. I fell down my stairs.

When I say I fell down the stairs I do not mean one or two steps. I fell from the top to the bottom on my back. It was like an Olymic sport, flat on my back and sliding downhill. It did get a trip to the ER. Nothing broken but lots of pain. It is my good fortune they gave me pain killers and muscle relaxers. I am still having issues with both injuries, probably because I try to do too much too soon. I do thank my helpful room mate. He has been carrying boxes and my laundry up the steps to my bedroom for me. Isn't that sweet?

The room mate adventure is also new. I have lived with people my entire life except from April of 2005 until Feb 2006. Mostly it was my parents, but we did have various others live with us through the years. I vowed when I moved from my parents home that I was going to be married or live on my own. Well we can see how well that worked. I am adjusting to having a stranger live with me. Yes, I have known this person for many years, but until you actually live with someone, they are a stranger to your private world. They see you first thing in the morning with bad hair and groggy. They see you sick, tired, awake and you see them. Lets just say it is taking an adjustment. I am pretty laid back about certain things and particular about others. We are having to learn the art of compromise. Wish us luck. We might need it.

I am still trying to work on the positive thinking. I have had some pit falls called reality. Some things you just can not put a positive spin on. People I used to be very close to I feel have abandonded me when I needed it the most. Thank goodness for those that didn't. I am a good friend and attempting to be better. There is always room for improvement. I am a good daughter, but also trying to improve that as well. I am a good person. Those that feel otherwise are those I need to expel from my life. I listen, I give, I am there when asked or needed. I have no time or energy for people who constantly find fault with me. I am my own worst enemy. I do not need any help in that department. So for those of you reading, HI I blogged again. If you are one of the people in my life that inspire, are there, listen without judgement, bring me up and not put me down , I love you and thank you. If you fit into the other category, Fuck you. Now how positive is that...lol. Have a great week .

MISSING: 2 Brain Cells and a Pack of Gum

2006-02-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

I was recently reading an article online about relationships. I focused at first on relationships between men and women, since I am a single female. Keeping track of socialization between the sexes keeps you not only informed, but equiped to handle the pressure of dating. Unfortunatley, it didn't provide any new insight. So I decided to go to relationships between family.

Has the American family come appart? The recommendation in the article was for families to sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week for dinner. When I was a kid we always sat at the diner table, every night. Rarely were we able to sit anywhere else. Kids make messes and the easiest place to clean would be the kitchen table. The second recommendation is a big shocker.... Talk to your kids about their day. Do parents really need to be reminded to talk to their kids? It is not like they are puppies and can be put in a cage.

I then became bored looking through the family relationship and moved to relationships among friends. It was equally as annoying. Giving advice that I though everyone knew. Those who think this is groundbreaking information may just have 2 brain cells left. Those that need to be reminded to talk to thier kids are holding thier familes together with chewing gum. Be careful, gum only stretches so far.

Recently I feel like that piece of chewing gum, one hand pulling one way and the other pulling the opposite direction. I keep stretching and stretching. When am I going to break? I am working a lot of overtime at work right now. I was just informed my father is having more radiation visits added to his regimen. I haven't seen my little brother in a year and a half. People in my life are behaving completely opposite from themselves and not always in a good way. My puppy is a monster when I leave her alone and turns into destructo dog. Now on my poor doggies behalf, she is a very sweet animal and tends not to get into much trouble when I am there, just curiosity. It is when I leave her , she freaks out. I have tried locking her in the bathroom and ended up having to reapint the door from her scratching to get out. I tried leaving things out of her reach and she jumps like a kangaroo. I have tried putting her in a cage. if I do not lock the doors just right she can get out of it. I am open for suggestions? I think I only have 2 brain cells left to burn and she ate the pack of gum...lol.

PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!!

2006-01-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

I know this may sound very odd but I am obsessed with pancakes. Over the last several weeks I have been craving pancakes. I have had them from Jerry's, Denny's, IHOP, frozen and my own. I though I was in heaven last weekend when I got to have them 2 days in a row while I was in Chicago. My best friend was very funny stating if she didn't know better she would think I was pregnant. We both know I am not, but it was very humerous. Now when it comes to my pancakes I must have butter on each one. Also only one kind of syrup. Maple. When I was at IHOP they had all different types, blueberry, butter pecan, strawberry, boysenberry. Only maple will do for me. By the way, what the heck is a boysenberry? I have never seen one at the produce section in the store. Why would I put it on my cherished pancake.

My best bud is having a different craving. Eggs. She never liked eggs and now she can't get enough of them. It does blen perfectly though. We are both doing the breakfast food kick. I think we might have to have some breakfast this weekend.

In other news. I am getting a roommate this weekend. It should be interesting getting accustomed to the new change. But much fun. I will have to let everyone know how it is going. We might have a few laughs or I may say you may get a few laughs. All I will say is I have a bunch of stuff and I still don't know how I fit most of it in one tiny room and a small part of a garage for all those years. Oh and I hate moving!!! I hope everyone has a good weekend, I know I will, I am going to have pancakes.

Dirty Little Secrets

2006-01-12T05:14:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to find everyone has their own secrets. Things they keep to themselves and would rather not let other people in their life find out about. I have always had them and not found that abnormal. I know I should not find it strange that others have them as well. I currently have many secrets from various people. Some are known only to myself and will go to my grave with me ,others are only known to those involved.

What constitutes a good secret? Is it something embarassing? Something that would cause you conflict? Something that is illegal? I guess it can be all of the above. I know people who have them in all of the above categories, although they are not very proud of the last. Can a secret be good though? I know if it is a birhtday party or a present it has to remain hidden for a short amount of time and that can fall under the secret category and it is a good thing, but is that really a secret? I am not so sure. My idea of a secret is that if it comes out something negative will occur in some way. You know like a death bed confession.

I am rambling, I know about something very trivial. I have a friend who has a secret. Ok I know we all have them. I know this friends secret. Its me and one of my other friends. They are keping us a secret from their significant other to avoid conflict. I do understand why it would cause some issues and I am with that entirely. I just find it increasingly humerous that WE are somebodys dirty little secret. But as I said before we all have them, I am flattered I just happen to be someone elses. Love ya bunches.

How to Think positive for Dummies

2006-01-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am trying to start my new year with a more positive out look. I wouldn't say I have been the kind of person who always looks at things in a negative light, but I have been more negative than I prefer to be. I just wish their was an instruction manual, you know How to Think Positive for Dummies. They make them for everything else. Why not this? Well ok , the whole concept of How to... for Dummies isn't a very positive title. I guess it would be what you would call an oxymoron. Anyway, if there was such a book I do have some suggestions on chapters. The suggestions are strictly because these are the things I find myself having difficulty with on the staying positive track. It's kind of like AA. You have to stay on the wagon, but if you fall off you have to get right back on.

Chapter 1- Admitting you have a problem ( keep it to yourself, everyone else may think your a little nuts)
Chapter 2- How to handle stress from positively people for dummies
Chapter 3- How to handle stress from outside sources positively for dummies aka work, finances
Chapter 4- How to handle stress from people positively for dummies when chapter 2 does not work
Chapter 5- How to tell people to kiss your ass positively for dummies
Chapter 6- How to love yourself for handling the stress from people , outside sources, telling ones to kiss your ass positively and telling yourself you are no longer a Dummie.

I am not sure how well it would sell, but you never know. I am thinking millions. Now isn't that positive?

Hello New Year

2006-01-03T04:47:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I have blogged. So very much has been going on. I am sure we all get that way during the holiday season. I had high hopes 2006 was going to begin a lot better than 2005 had ended. I was trying to think positive, be positive, stay positive but it seems everywhere I turn there is someone or something ready to knock me down.

I have recently parted company with a man I love. Despite everything that has happened I do love him. I may not like him very much right now and leaving was for the best, but I can not just turn my feeling off and on like a light switch. I am hurting. I am trying hard not to let everyone see how bad it truly is. You know put on a happy face. I was always one to wear a mask to hide most of my emotions anyway. I need the poeple in my life to understand this. I hope they understand this is not just going to fix itself in a week or two. I do not want to make the same mistakes I made after I lost my other love. It will take time.

I have been spending a lot of time at my parents home, partly because everywhere I turn in my own home it reminds me of him and beacuse my dog has someone to play with over there. I have been watching my dad day after day. He has recently started raditation on his hand for cancer. The wound is open and bleeds all the time and he is in pain. If he is in this much pain in the beginning how much will he be in by the time they are done? It is also possible that all of this will be for nothing and he will still have to have partial amputation. I guess only time will tell. It is just so very hard to see him like this. He puts on a happy face and a positive front to the world, but with us he falls so low. Please keep him in your prayers. I know I am.

I am feeling pretty alone right now. I know I am not, but it just feels that way. I miss the feel of my godchildren's arms around my neck. I miss the easy commradrie with certain friends. I miss being content. Although I did have an interesting suprise on New Years. We were sitting at a friends house watching the tv and the descent of the ball and I looked around. I felt so out of place, I felt so alone. I was in a room full of my best friends and I have never felt so alone. My two friends standing by their husbands, one friend curled up next to her boyfriend and me sitting in a hard backed chair in a corner by myself. Then my one friend's cell phone began to ring. It was a very good friend of mine from Chicago as well as one of my past loves. He stayed on the phone with me until after the ball dropped and was the first to wish me a Happy New Year. I didn't feel so alone. Especially after my best bud came over and planted one right on my smacker. Thanks Chicago, see you soon.

For all those out there may your new year blessed and I hope 2006 brings all the good fortune and positivity to your life. I know I am still working on mine. I guess you can say I am a work in progress.

The Fat Lady is Tuning Up

2005-12-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

Well another Christmas has come and gone. I do hope everyone got all that was on their wish list. It was on3e for the books. I spent the Friday night prior to Christmas Eve working during the day. I did have the opportunity to work some overtime and get a bit of extra money, but after talking with my mother half way through my work day i realized i had to help pry her off the ceiling. See we were expecting about 50-70 people on Christmas eve and she was not ready. I picked up my friend Brandy and we went to my parents home to help my mom prepare. I spent 2 hours breaking bread. I do not mean eating dinner either. I mean literally breaking biscuit up in teeny tiny pieces for stuffing and then cornbread.

Christmas Eve my mothers side of the family comes over to my parents home. I think the house shrunk. Normally we do not have much of a problem with the size of my parents home, but when you place 60 people in it you have no room to breathe. It was utter chaos. I helped clean up from that event and started to assist with preparations for the next day.

Christmas Day I was gotten out of bed by my small dog and my parents rather large dog sitting on me. We unwrapped gifts and then i went back to sleep for a while. Just to let you know, if you like dinner rolls with Christmas dinner make sure you have them prior to Christmas day. I finally found somewhere that was open and had them after looking for 2 hours. My fathers side of the family come over to my parents home and we had Christmas with them. It was nice. There are not near as many of them. Although they did leave very early this year. It seems everyone has so many other places to go. My other family then arrived. My firend Leigh was there all day with her boyfriend, and then Sonia and her husband Michael, Brandy and her parents and sister, and Becky. I know I had mentioned that we decided not to buy gifts to make them. It was interesting. Leigh made me a beautiful orniment with charms that remind her of me inside them. Sonia gave me a framed picture from her honeymoon at the Grand Canyon, Becky made us a CD wiht a bunch of songs that remind us of each other, and my Brandy friend made us water globes from baby food jars and pillos that small good from stockings. They were so cute. I really did like each and every one of my gifts that were given to me this year.

My mother has decided next year that her and my father are going to go to Florida to visit my brother for Christmas. They have extended the invitation to me as well. I am unsure if I will be able to go due to work situations. I miss my brother so very much, but I also don't know if that is where I want to spend my Christmas morning and afternoon. Well not worry now, I have a whole year to figure it out.

I do hope everyone had a blessed holiday. The fat lady is warming up. 2005 is almost over. New years is this coming weekend, and we have yet to make definite plans. I am sure we will ring in 2006 together. Have a good week.

Lies Lies Lies and More Lies

2005-12-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Ok I know I said I was going to try and be more positive but I just have to get this out. Anger . I am tired of bottling up all my anger. Today just took the cake. I am done with it all. I am done done done done done done done done done DONE!!!! For those of you not up on my current situation, I have been seeing a man for some time that my friends do not like and my family does not like. It seems the only one that really likes him is me. Right now I don't even like him. I do love him but I do not like him at all right now. He has issues. Major issues. Issues I can not even begin to fix. Then there are the lies.

I am not a stupid person. Yes I know he has lied to me. Yes I have forgiven him. Now he lied to me for the last time. He lied to me during a time when he knew I was hurting finacially about something that was just going to make my situation even worse than it already is. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I can not tolerate this life anymore. It has to stop. He has to go. Right now I am MAD MAD MAD. Tomorrow I will still be MAD , but eventually I am going to be hurt. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of his making me feel guilty, I am of the fear, I am just tired. I am no longer going to give my self to those who don't appreciate it. I am no longer going to be a doormat for those who think they can walk on me. I am no longer going to give anything to anyone that I have not given to and have given back. I am not anyones fool and will not be treated as such. God help those who think otherwise. A new day is coming and a brand new year. Positivity mixed with spunk. I hope you can handle it.

The Season of Giving

2005-12-16T18:52:00.000-08:00

I want to wish all those who read and comment on my blog a very Merry Christmas. I know there is well over a week until the BIG event, but I thought I would get an early start in case I do not get the opportunity to later in the week. They have started calling Christmas, The Season of Giving. What happens when you are all given out?
Through the year we are expected to gift everything from weddings, births, birthdays, anniversaries,assorted holidays ex: Valentines Day, Mothers Day, Fathers Day. Even the greeting card industry is makning them up now. Come on, when I was growing up I never heard of Sweetest Day. If you walk into a Hall mark in September or October you can bet you will hear of it now. Now at the end of the year the is major giving shabang, Christmas.
I myself have had a difficult year finacially. It doesn't seem to be looking any better in the very near future, although I do have a plan and it will work itself out soon enough. When I was first thinking of the Christams season I was not looking forward to it. I could not finacnically afford to give the way I always do. Then my friends and I made that pact to make gifts instead of buy them and I started to wonder if the season of giving isn't really about giving literally. I have made my friends gifts, or at least the biggest part of them. They do not look store bought and they do not look fantastic but I know I made them. I put thought and caring into each one. I am giving them part of myself. Maybe the season of giving isn't about what can be bought but what you can share of yourself with those that you love. I do hope they appreciate the effort as I will appreciate theirs.
As a teenager I looked back at the things I had made my mother for Christmas and was embarassed that she would sit some of them out on display. They were so very ugly. How could she want that sitting out? As an adult I now know. It was made by me. I put everything I had into that present for her at the time. It was given with love. It may very well be ugly ,but because she loves me and I made it for her, it earned a special place in our home. So for all those reading I hope you take a moment to stop shopping and wrapping and cherish The Season of Giving by giving something of yourself to someone you love. God Bless.

Isn't it Ironic

2005-12-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

I am still on my way to try and be more positive. I had my negativity cleansing rant on my last blog and what do you know I got sick over the weekend. Isn't that ironic. I am trying to make myself better and then get sick. Oh, well. Christmas is coming and I am really trying hard to get into the spirit. I have noticed the older I get the more difficult it becomes to get excited about the holidays. I always loved the holidays. I am a gift giver. I usually go overboard for every gift giving occasion. I have a very good friend that once told me it was a bit intimidating how out of the way I go. This year is a bit different. I have other financial obligations that are taking priority over buying Christmas gifts as I normally do.

My best friends and I have made a pact not to buy each other anything. We have to make each others gifts and can not spend more than 10 dollars on all the supplies for all 4 gifts. It is difficult let me tell you. I am a crafty person when I want to be but coming up with 4 gifts for 10 dollars is proving to be extremely interesting and very inventive at times. I can not wait to see what everyone comes up with. It should be a hoot. I guess the inability to give what I normally give for the holidays has me somewhat down. I know my friends are not the type of people who would like me better because i buy them something great, but I feel like I am letting them down if i don't. Another reason for the Christmas hum drum is there are people in my life missing this holiday season that I wish I had next to my side, now more than ever.

I lost both of my fathers parents almost 2 years ago. Last Christmas was hard, but I think everyone was still kind of in shock and trying so hard to not let it ruin the holiday. This year is harder. So much has happened since they have been gone. Things I still want to share and can't. I know they are watching down on me but it just isn't the same as getting a big hug or that special wink. I am also missing my younger brother this year more than normal. He has been gone for a few Christmases now, at least he will eventually be able to come home. I can not describe the bond between us. It is almost like when we are together we are stronger than when we are apart. I could use a little strength boost.

My dad. My dad has had such a difficult road in life. It breaks my heart to watch him sometimes. He is hanging in limbo regarding his next surgery. The though of the doctors having to take part or all of his hand off has really made him more depressed and dejected. He tries so hard not to let it show. The other night we were at my aunts house visiting and he had such a sad look on his face. His sister asked if he was alright and he said he was tired. Tired of fighting. Everyone got quiet for a while. It seemed like forever before anyone said anything. From the time I was a small child, my moms mother, my dads parents and my dad would always say the same thing when they wanted me to go get them something from another room. " If you go get..... I will dance at your wedding." My three grandparents are now gone from this earth the only one left is my dad. I want him to dance at my wedding. I don't have much time left.

I hope you have a Happy Holiday season and may God Bless you and those you love.

How to be Wondermus

2005-11-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

I have recently taken a hard look at myself. I have been very depressed lately for a multitude of reasons and my outlook on life has been bleak, to say the least. I have decided to try and be more positive. Instead of looking at the glass as half empty try looking at it as half full. To do this I must get one last bout of negativity out. Like a negativity cleansing. I am about to rant... If I offend I am sorry, these are just general rants without a focus on one individual. I just need to get somethings out. Then I can focus on positivity.

First. I am fat. If you don't like it don't look at me. Most of the time you are not a supermodel yourself. I have a mirror, I know what I look like, and yes just because I am fat does not mean do not need to eat regular meals just like everyone else. Stop fucking staring at me.

Second. Are you perfect? Have you ever made a mistake? Unless your name is God or Jesus Christ I am guessing you have. Stop acting like when someone else makes a mistake it is soooooo horrible. I bet if you look back, you have some doosies. Don't throw mine in my face and I promise I will try not to throw yours back in your face. It hurts peoples feelings when that happens, but are you so self absorbed that you are unable to figure that out.

Third. Guilt is not something that should be used as a weapon. Making someone feel guilty for a decision they have made is wrong. Maybe that person feels guilty enough without having someone else try and make them feel worse about it. Trust me I can guilt trip people with the best of them. Shall I give it a go?

Fourth. Love is not something that can be turned on and off like a light switch. It can fade , it can change but most normal people can not just make it disappear in the blink of an eye. So just because you can do it does not mean most people can. It is hard and it hurts to loose anyone you love and mixed with guilt and mistakes can compound the hurt. You first have to fall in love to know how it feels, unless you are uncapable of the feeling. Good luck.

Ok I think I am done with my rant. Now on to being positive. I love the people in my life. They try so very hard to be there for me adn I do appreciate them more than they will ever know. Although my family drives me nuts, I would not trade any of them for the world. They have helped make me who I am. Thanks to all those people in my life. The new year is coming and maybe a brand new outlook. Love you all.

Happy Turkey Day

2005-11-23T12:08:00.000-08:00

Hello to all those out there. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving. May you be blessed with good friends, good food, and a family that doesn't drive you out of your mind. If the last is not possible, I suggest picking up a bottle of wine for the dinner. One for you and one for the rest of the clan...lol.

In other news it has been a very interesting period of time since my last blog. No I have not yet found myself. I did find out certain people in my life can be vicious when they think I have been hurt, I mean out for blood. In a way it is great. It means I have people who care a great deal about me. In another way it is not so great because you loose the ability to stand up for yourself if it is done too often. My mindset has not been the best lately and I thank those who have put up with me. It will get better eventually. I will be back to my old self or something like my old self.

Have you ever done something that could ruin your life as you know it? I have. Once it is done there is no turning back you just have to play the hand out. I am still trying to figure out if I bluff or if I fold. I will have to let you know once I have made upo my mind.

Well enough of the seroius stuff. Have a great TurkeyDay! I know I will try. I mean the next day is shopping. One of my fav's.

Happy Friday

2005-11-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday to all those out there. I am ready for the weekend. It has been a particularly stressful week for me. May those of you who are reading have a fun filled two days. I myself am going to unwind, or at least try..lol.

Paper or Plastic

2005-11-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

I got out of bed the other morning as usual. Since I live alone I proceeded to get ready for my day. I got dressed, combed my hair, and got in my car to drive to work. It wasn't until I was half way to work I realized I forgot my breakfast and lunch. That meant I had to stop at the local supermarket prior to starting my work day. I don't know about you but I am not a morning person and should not be bothered for at least an hour after I wake up. It had not been an hour.
I walked through the isles looking for something appealing and went to the register to make my purchase. What is the first question of the day for me? Paper or plastic? No hello, how are you today. Paper or plastic? I wanted to ask if it was a rhetorical question as if it really matters, but I did not.
I know it may sound crazy but in the mere seconds it took to answer the question thoughts just raced through my head. I am as ecologically minded as the next person. I would like fresh air to breathe and uncluttered land to view , so this question brought some angst to my mind first thing in the morning. If I choose paper I am committing to cutting down the trees that produce vital oxygen. I am not a tree huger by any means , but I do like oxygen. Then again if I choose the plastic it will sit in our landfills for years, it will not breakdown longer than I may be alive.
I took a deep breath and had the lady bag my items. As I left the store the debate still going on in my head. Which is better paper or plastic? Which one would you choose?

...ps I chose plastic ( paper doesn't hold up well when frozen foods start to sweat)

Happy Hump Day

2005-11-16T05:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Wednesday and we have made it half way through the week. What a week it has been! Happy hump day to all those out there. It boggles my mind to think next week is Thanksgiving. Where did the year go?
That brings me to the subject of time. I have begun to wonder if I am wasting time. Somedays it seems like I don't have enough of it. When I get a few minutes and take time to be lazy or read a book or watch tv, I feel like I am wasting my day. I should be doing something productive like clean my house, my car, doing something good for someone else. I am aware we all need a break and to take a moment to do something for ourselves, but when does it cross from a moment for yourself to wasting your time? One hour? Two?
Today I seem to be thinking more of time than normal. We use the word everyday and yet forget how powerful it is. What time will you be here? What time do you work or get off? Time is money. I can give you my time. Are you doing time? Are you wasting time?
As I get older I can some times hear my biological clock tic away. Am I running out of time? I am not married and have no children. I do want a family. I just want to find the right mate first. It is not my top priority right now but the thought that I may run out of time for those things. I hope not.
Well however you chooose to spend your time to day I hope you find it worth while. Hope you have a Happy Hump Day!

Fear, Guilt, and Remorse

2005-11-15T09:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever stopped to wonder what makes us feel guilty for doing things for ourselves? Is it the ever burdening voice of your mother during childhood telling you to "act nice", "share your things", "don't be selfish" or is it something deeper? I have recently had an encounter that I feel tremendously guilty about. I am lying to someone I love. Not the little white ones that aren't going to hurt, but whoppers that are going to do nothing but send them from my life for good. I know you asking, " What does the guilt about pushing someone away through lies have to do with doing something for yourself?" I will explain.
Love hurts. I love many people and when I can't live up to their expectations I feel guilty. Recently I have not lived up to anyone's expectations including my own. I know I have to live my life for myself, but the people who love me most have begun to question my actions. To keep all I have to push one away. It is for the best. This person is not respectable and does not respect me or my feelings. The problem is I can not just tell them good bye, I am too close to the situation. Hence the guilt factor.
Not only do I feel guilty, but I also have to live in fear. I am not so much worried about myself as I am the people closest too me. I have started to dig myself out of a black hole but with it come certain fears. Fear of rejection, fear of being old and alone, fear of death , fear of loss pick one I am experiencing it. I think the fear of the unknown and fear of someone else are very big right now as well. I could possibly be in danger. I just don't want anyone else getting caught in the crossfire. That would kill me.
Remorse. After the guilt starts to fade and fear subsides the inevitable remorse for your actions set in. I am not quite there yet, but I know I will be. I have been told I have nothing to feel guilty about and therefore remorse should not even be a factor.
Have you ever loves someone to the brink of sanity? That is where I am at. Telling them good bye and doing so in the fashion I am makes me wonder will I topple over the brink? With the help of some good friends and family I think I may just make it through.

Hi . My Name Is....

2005-11-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is.... well my name really does not matter. I am fairly new to the blog scene. I know most people write about their day, their lives, or the lives of those they know. I like the ones who write about their thoughts. I think I am an average American female. Single and still looking for Mr. Right. That is a few entires in itself. I live alone in a modest neghborhood. I have a wonderful family and a few amazing friends. I have varied intrestes from sitting at home and reading a good book to traveling abroad. Although, I do not get to travel near as much as I would like. I have started on a journey to discover myself, this blog is part of that. I hope you take the time to stop by, comment as you would like. All comments are welcome. Maybe we can get to know me together.